Hi Sotto. Doesn't sound like those convos are healthy and as you well know nothing heard can be believed or even if it's heard correctly You seem to have a handle on it and it clutter in your head that you don't need.
Your doing an excellent job moving forward with your life and you the Queen of GAL.
I like to think your H will come to his senses one day but either way your doing all you can to deal with your own life
I think it's ok to be a bit down or peed off but nothing has really changed Try to put it out of your mind and know that it's his loss Sotto will be happy again and from what I read she's well on the way
Hi RD, thanks for posting and - ugh, I know. In truth, I've felt a bit rotten ever since - taken back to that time when I felt sick, shaken and vulnerable. It really triggered something in me.
As you say, nothing has changed - and I guess I just need to deal with the feeling yucky. on the upside, feeling low about things does make me realise I haven't felt this way for some time, which is progress. I'm sure there was a time when I felt that way the whole time.
I find I read the sitches of others and they have more contact with their MLCer. I think I'm just facing a feeling of no hope really. Though logically I understand the MLC journey and I also feel we had a good M - I also know ours has been a short M and with no kids together. I guess I just feel this is really the end and it has hit me a little. Have I been in denial? Maybe so. Just some more grief I guess.
I feel I'm 'doing the right things' and there is nothing really. No progress at all. I know there is progress within me, and I guess that is the main thing - but just nothing in H. And I struggle to accept that he just chose this woman whose last R was also an A and then she cheated on him with H. And I'm pretty nice really - not perfect by any means, but pretty nice, and ....oh well, this isn't really going anywhere is it - just self pity...
Anyway - a bit of a low day. This week has been busy, I have a sore throat and think I got a bit overtired. Hopefully things will look up in a few days.
Take care all & thanks for reading xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
you have a sore throat my love because you have a lot to say to h and you cannot, find another way to let it out - journal, write him a letter but don't send it ... just get it off your chest and out of your system, in a safe way. not self pity ... you have been hurt, and you are right to be perplexed, as you are awesome and ow, not so much ... you can only take care of yourself, and allow these feelings to come wash over you like a wave then pass as we know they will. be gentle with yourself my dear xoxoxoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
And I'm pretty nice really - not perfect by any means, but pretty nice, and ....oh well, this isn't really going anywhere is it - just self pity...
Anyway - a bit of a low day. This week has been busy, I have a sore throat and think I got a bit overtired. Hopefully things will look up in a few days.
Take care all & thanks for reading xx
Hey sotto, you are not pretty nice...you are a awesome. Youre caring, loving, amazing soul who i look forward to seeing your deep and heartfelt posts every day.
Please do not judge yourself based on one mans skewed actions. This is not easy as we put so much weight and faith into just that. They (our spouses) are messed up right now and we cant help that. They are messed up because they need to justify not being able to look at themselves...no instead they thrash and destroy all that is around them...to prove something to themselves. Because he loves you, he cannot be close to you. He just cannot see any of that right now, i believe he will some day.
Instead of accepting your love and that they are lovable (which they cannot do) they run...huh??? Alien mind, right?
No, you are worth so much more than what his scatter brained actions are twlling you.
It is just messed up. I believe the affairs are just so they can feel normal if just in a sense that they dont feel the pain of being truely close, even for just a short while. That deep connection that we are all missing with out ex's and waw spouses is precisely what they cannot handle. Think about that for a second.
I dont know what it is in your h's past that is causing this rift, but there is something and he must find his way through on his own.
I wish your you, there was an easier way. From what ive seen of your posts, and theough the rhetoric of posting ro others, you are on the right path.
Sometimes, when we are hurting we don't look at the logic of it all as the pain is so great.
Circling back to your struggle with the fact that he is choosing a dysfunctional relationship with a dysfunctional woman. It's a relationship built on lies and deception. Think about that. Just reminding you that his choices reflect much about him and not you.
He can't possibly meet your emotional needs right now nor can he do so for any "whole" woman. He's going to seek out broken women and broken down women will seek him out. There's nothing wholesome about this.
No healthy, "whole" woman would be attracted to who he is today. Because you have little contact you may be remembering who he was and think he is that person. As a person who has contact with my MLCer, let me reassure you that he is a shell of himself. His decisions back that up.
He is lost. These are the choices lost people make. They are two weak people clinging to dysfunction. It's not romantic. It's sad.
He is not the person you knew. I am telling you, it is in my face each and every day. I promise you, these are splinters of people.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi Sotto. I can imagine those conversations can not feel good. Remember, they don't know what you know about MLC. Your H is not in a healthy loving R with this person, it is an escape from his internal pain. Maybe next time you can say upfront no H talk? I have done that several times and they understand.
It's easier to see this, like Hawho said, when you are around the MLC'er. They have so little to give, their world revolves around themselves. Don't let your imagination get you Sotto and remember, this is not about you.
I will tell you what I think about my own sitch at times. Like you said, I too consider myself to be a very nice person, loveable, fun, caring, not perfect but overall a desirable mate. I honestly think that it confuses my H, to be around me, to see this but continue to feel confused about how he feels. I would guess your H may think the same. His mind is not clear right now.
I too often think we have drifted too far to find our way back and feel headed towards closure. But I believe, being who you are, you will be just fine.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thanks so much guys - your posts have really helped me. I got on a poor track there, and you have reminded me about MLC and what the R with the AP is actually like. Your posts are on a similar theme - the dysfunction - little to give - healthy/whole is missing - etc. That did help and I do feel more settled. I think things are a little raw at the moment as final D is right around the corner - I'll get through it though. And it's high time to shift the focus back on to something more interesting........ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I may give HWX a miss next time and plan something nice for SS down here. I'm keen to take him into the bookstore for a shift with me - I think he'd enjoy that. Worked a shift at the bookstore yesterday - not the best day - was tired and out of sorts and the till didn't balance by a long shot. Had to leave a big apologetic note to the store manager.
But I had a nice glass of wine last night with a friend, who lost her Dad at the weekend. We had a good chat and a little cry and it was soothing for us both I think. I slept well and I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm seeing a couple of friends tonight and helping Dad take Mum off to respite this afternoon. Tomorrow a couple of us are helping out a friend who just moved into a new place. He has hardly any furniture and we're hitting the thrift shops to pick up some stuff....right up my street!
Hope everyone has a good weekend and thanks so much for your wisdom and kindness xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi all, I feel I've come out of my recent dip and thanks for your support. It's been a good few days. I did some nice things with friends and I have a quieter week at work this week, so I plan to recharge a little. I'm off today and plan to potter about, catching up on washing and so on.
It's H's B'day this week. Last year I sent him a nice card and got an appreciative text back. I know now that he and OW were 'off' at that point last year and as far as I know they are 'on' just now. Plus, we are about to D as far as I know. I don't feel like missing his B'day entirely, but posting a card feels a bit much, so I plan to just send a brief HBD text. Other than that - all quiet on every front.....except my GAL plans of course!!!!
Take care all xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
i am new to posting but have been following for ages - a 'cling on' as someone else said
I have very little contact with my ExH and that has made my day to day life rather stressless, as I leave him to his own devices, and carry on with my life - actively trying to be the best me i can. Not perfect by any means, but like you, a pretty nice person. Nice a bit insipid actually - a pretty rocking person.
You sound far to spirited to be simply 'nice' and i think you may be a pretty rocking person too!
I do find that because there is so little contact, i struggle when there is contact. I struggle with ExH ability to appear 'normal' and as if this whole crazy situation is normal. I struggle to find safe non consequential things to talk about. Im so busy faking it that I wonder if I actually come off appearing happy about his choices and actions then spend time berating myself for not using the brief moments of contact better.
I so appreciate the advice given to you and take heart from it myself.
This is not about us; it does not matter what other people think - they will think it anyway; we CAN still be the best us possible.
I hope you have a good day today - being you which rocks and is much more than nice.
