surrealism is not my style

[rich4j]

My interactions with my L shook me up. That fear of HUGE change in my life rather than this limbo (bad enough) almost have me paralyzed with fear. Going back to school for a more advanced degree at this point in my life is daunting. So much time. Added stress. Moving into a new place, FINDING a new place, packing up and repairing this house for sale, selling a lot of our stuff....so much to do.

I read about others doing this on here all of the time. How do you find the energy to completely reinvent yourself at a time you thought you would be preparing for your "golden years" with the person you loved? I remember joking with H after my Ds wedding this summer, "one down and one to go...then we'll finally be alone!". That must have sent the fear of God through his heart!

Sorry for the venting, just really feeling anxious right now about the reality of the D process.

Wow C....we are on the same journey unfortunately in terms of where you are at with trying to detach but can't. Your post hit home

To be honest it is very hard to do what you are doing and we are trying to do in DB'ing, detaching, doing stuff for ourselves while you deep in your heart want your man/woman. I just have gotten there due to a toxic in home living situation and lawyers making it too real

Limbo-yeah..it has sucked right? and taken the life out of you? Tired...lost weight? yup. Mind in a fog? check. Day to day is difficult....good day..bad day..cry day..fun day..check. sound familiar :-)

I am with you in the change part. Comfort sometimes is good and soothing....in life. You have your routine..things are good..or OK. And now not so much.

Just so you are not alone, I have to figure out getting new car, all the D stuff with financials, vacation with my D, my new job that is killing me and oh yea...a new place to live that somehow allows pets and somehow is in /near her school and oh yea....has enough room and i can afford. Cant find one


So all I can tell you is that you and I can't change our H/W and need to let them go. I am doing it...you can do it. It hurts...it stinks...but I will tell you there are days now I have a new giddyup in my step ....for that day..it feels good. Then a day I cry or weep like a little boy

So I am almost 50 and will be setting out on a new journey. You can do it and it will take time...and who knows what the future holds for you but you have it in front of you and people to support you which is awesome

[ciluzen]

rich, I'm so sorry you are going through this all. too. It really does bite.

Everything you've said is spot on for me, as well. I'm turning 49 in two weeks. Not what I pictured for this bday. I can't imagine going through this with my daughters still at home. Mine are mostly grown and out of the house.

I suddenly have so much anger...not just at H. I actually understand the pain and depression (possibly an mlc) that is driving him. But at the situation. At the people who I thought were friends but still surround him and do activities with him but not me and then periodically send a text like "thinking of you! :)" as if that makes it all better. At boundaries crossed with no guilt or apology from another friend. At the lies and selfishness. Argh! Venting again.

[Nel]

Cil-
I can so relate to what you are feeling about the D. We are both about the same age, and I too have been waiting for this time in our lives to be just us again. Our youngest daughter is a senior, so in the fall I'll be an empty nester like you except I'll really be alone. I'm heartbroken that H is off on his own instead of with me.

I also feel that way you do with the D proceedings. A word of advice that my L shared with me. Take the emotion out of it and treat it like a business transaction. I would almost have an anxiety attack every time I went into the L office or got a letter from the court. My L just keeps repeating treat it like a business transaction. It's hard, but I try to remember that. I also told my H whenever he questioned a proposal that I had to protect myself financially. He seemed to understand that.

I remember reading one poster's story, I believe it was Nitty, about going through mediation. She had not ever dealt with the financials in their marriage, but when the time came she stood up to her husband and presented numbers that were fair. The mediator told Nitty that her husband was really impressed and surprised at her self-confidence. It made him see her in a different way. There is more to the story, but on her last post that I read they were reconciling.

I can tell you are a strong woman. You have to remember that we can't control this situation. I think that is one of the hardest things. Treat it like a business transaction. You've got this.

Nel

[ciluzen]

Thank you, Nel. That actually is very helpful advice. I've been so caught up in trying to not offend H and show him my 180s that I've been short changing me. I will think of this as a business transaction from now on.

In fact, as much as I want to turn this around, I'm realizing that if it happens at all it won't be anytime soon. I have to let go of H. I will leave that door cracked open, but I've got to get my head straight and move on.

I had a chat with my oldest (D25) last night. She is exhausted from work, moving, being a newlywed, and also stressed out about being in the middle of H's and I's M issues. She said she wanted her mom back. I then really realized how I had let my hurt, my pain, affect my life and everyone else around me. I need to stop. NEED to.

New goals I am creating:

1) Be a mom again to my daughters. I've heard it loud and clear from both of them; they need their mom, even if I have to bite my tongue off when they mention their dad. I need to listen to them for awhile; not show them victim-mom in pain or confusion. They have their own adult problems.

2)I need to allow them to forge a relationship with their Dad WITHOUT me. It hurts, but I don't want them to pull away from either of us; we both love them and they love us. We (H and I) are just not a we anymore so there may be many times the kids do things with us separately. Its ok.

3)I need to stop thinking so much about what H thinks, what he's doing with others, if he will call, will I run into him at certain events, etc. It doesn't matter anymore. I will still be pleasant, friendly and cheerful with smiles and eye contact; but I should be anyway to everyone. No preparation needed.

4) GAL the heck out of my life. I have A LOT of interests, from reading to art, sports, outdoor activities, fine dining, movies, theater, lectures... Now I finally have the time (maybe not the budget, though).

5)Pursue my dreams...I had some, once, that were all mine...

6)Speak to an occupational counselor. What advanced degree should I use to enhance my BA and make it more usable, possibly in the psyche/behavior field. I need a better job but one that interests me as much as the one I have.

7) Start thinking of areas to live in; apartment, condo, house? How much? I have a dog. What do I need to make me comfortable?

8) Find new friends,work on the ones I have, and reconnect with the old...I've been trying to communicate more since H always did. Now I need to put myself out there and push those relationships I want...make those connections so that I'm never this lonely again!

9) Take care of myself. Looked hard in the mirror and was shocked. Got on the scale and did some calculations. Yeah...I'm not eating enough for what the stress is burning away. People tell me I look great, but its winter here. I can't wear sweaters and down vests before too long.


Yeah. I need to REALLY focus on me and my needs. My H will still have his job, favorite house, vehicles, friends. He's not really concerned with me, right now. But my life is going to be VERY different. I need to stop crying about it to everyone and start preparing. What's that quote? "Get busy living or get busy dying." Something like that.

[Nel]

Cil-
I love your goals. You do such a great job in thinking those through.

I've found that it's easiest to take everything one day at a time; otherwise it becomes overwhelming. One day at a time and stay busy. It helps to keep your mind off everything.

Nel

[1313]

Don't any of you guys feel bad at 50, be happy it's not 10 years from now. That certainly doesn't make it better, I'm just saying it could be worse.

It's pretty awesome losing your friends - but I did that to myself. I allowed most of our friends to be made by my W in her business. It was so important that we always socialized with her clients and office mates. So I slowly let go of my end - and as the W rewrote history, I turned out to be an anti-social monster.

I was never a social butterfly, my W was the one who did that. But she counted on me to do the entertaining, cooking, planning etc.

Worse, I moved to an area for her, to be close to her Grandparents. Again, cutting myself off from my old life.

Losing weight as well as half of my brain sounds pretty familiar. I now officially weigh less than I did in High School.

You are far, far ahead of where I'm at in getting your act together. Or more specifically at least you've thought about these tiny details - and that helps people like myself just starting the process.

We never had kids - a blessing and a curse. Although by I'd be worried about the grand-kids.

Anyway I didn't mean to butt in - I just want you to know it's helpful to see and hear these things for us newbies. The thought of going through this as a business transaction is mind-boggling, but that's certainly how the L's look at it. I could never understand how L's can go at each other in court and have beer afterwards - that's the mindset I need.

I just hope I can get to the point where I can actually begin to focus on things again. Sometimes my Mother with Alzheimer's seems to have it together more than I do.

[ciluzen]

So, I guess I'm just journaling and staying current on my own situation.

Went to a lecture by a very well known person in the behavioral science field...loved it! During the lecture I received a call from D25(told her I was in lecture) and a text from H asking me to call to discuss D25s move the next day. When I called he sounded exhausted (or drunk? He's been drinking more, I'm realizing). We agreed to meet at my house (used to be "our house") at a certain time.

He arrived 1/2 hour later than planned, grumpy, and complaining that he couldn't find his Bluetooth set. He apparently wore it the night before when talking to me and thought he lost it in the couch or bed, wherever he fell asleep (wha?). I stayed pleasant and assured him it would turn up eventually.

At D's house we loaded up our car and truck while everyone else was still arriving...we still work well as a team. We helped load other stuff for awhile, but ended up taking our loads to the new house an hour away and unloading. We contacted D and realized that crew wouldn't be leaving for awhile, so H suggested we go to lunch.

We joked around about a dive-looking place and decided to take a chance and go there. On the way, H joked about ducking into a motel we passed. I laughed and told him, "If I thought you were serious about the offer, I would". He just looked at me. I smiled...hey, I was having a good time!

Food was great, locals hanging out were fun, I was having fun bantering with the others in the pub (another 180 for introvert me). H asked me what I wanted then ordered what HE wanted to be split between the two of us...just like normal. I let it go, but that kind of bugged me. I wonder if he was trying to see if he could still control me a bit?

D still wasn't on her way, so we drove around her neighborhood looking at houses (artsy/resort town with funky houses) then walked around down town. H wanted to get coffee so we stopped at a fun looking place and I ordered for us both and paid. We chatted a bit and he started texting and smiling...so I pulled out MY phone. 180 for me. I would have asked who he was texting or what was so funny before, but it doesn't really matter at this point.

Decided to check out a sushi bar we'd never seen there. Had fun trying a few fun cocktails and a few rolls (way too much food today) and again, joking around and talking to the bartender. I enjoy the reaction of others now when I'm having fun and smiling a lot, making eye contact and talking. This is new for me. A complete 180.

Funny thing, at one point H tried to order a drink for me, and I had to change the order to something I wanted...it was not something I would EVER have liked (I know who would, though). He looked at me, surprised. Another 180, I realized. Making my own choice...not just following him.

We went back to finish with the move (everyone had shown up by then). When we drove home separately, H never called me on the way (would have before). He needed to change over to his car at "my" house. I beat him home and by the time he got there, his demeanor had changed again. Tired, sad, and critical of how D had chosen to orchestrate her move (not organized his way). The whole time, he was cleaning my kitchen sink(?)(not dirty). He apologized for "making" me help him move couches. I had to laughingly tell him I CHOSE to move them. He also (looking sad) commented on how he really didn't help much today(?) We got there an hour before everyone, loaded our vehicles, packed up others', broke stuff down, unloaded everyones' vehicles...hmmmm.

Interesting take. I never let go of my "I'm having a good time demeanor...with anyone, today. I worked hard and know my D appreciated the help. I also know she appreciated us not being awkward or me getting emotional about her dad being there. But I won't.

Its funny. I really don't care what he does or thinks right now. I had a good time today. He seemed to as well...most of the time. But he really doesn't seem happy. I actually am ok. I'm moving on.

[Thornton]

That is super cool, Cil,

Great job keeping the PMA around H. It doesn't appear to be a bed of roses for him.

I think you are doing great with detaching and H is noticing. Keep going, you're on the right track.

[ciluzen]

Quick update to journal. H called me this morning...

Said he called because he was heading up to ski and I was the only one he knew who would be awake. He mentioned he stopped by my favorite bakery to get a pastry and coffee (he did?) but it wasn't open yet.

He mostly just called to chat. He did complain a bit more about D's new house (too small, too expensive...I think he's more bothered that its too far away).

Talked about the places we ate, an office issue, his family.

Brought up some interesting financial info...not sure if he was testing me to see what I would say. Had to do with a loan and some info he needed to provide (I have it,he doesn't). It also sounded a bit like what my L asked me to provide, though, so I told him he also had to do that to get a D. He seemed surprised. I told him I was surprised his L wouldn't have asked him to give that info before filing. He said he tried to talk to her as little as possible. My BS-o-meter was buzzing. Why be secretive about financials that I have, though? I know I'm the one that was in charge of our bills and finances, but...Is he really that clueless about our finances? Or is he trying to do something else? I even have his BC and SSC here (most of his stuff is here).

[Nel]

Cil-

Awesome job on showing your 180s for your H! I bet you totally have him thinking now. I also like that you were so upbeat and cheery the whole time. He has to be thinking about that, too. It must have been difficult to be working with him all day and it seeming so normal. I'm impressed with the behavior you showed him. Well done!

"Its funny. I really don't care what he does or thinks right now. I had a good time today. He seemed to as well...most of the time. But he really doesn't seem happy. I actually am ok. I'm moving on." (I can't figure out how to do the quote in a box...)

I really wish I could get to this stage. I NEED to get to this stage.

Nel