Wow - Thanks Sandi, these are things I actually need to hear. I'm going to look into the reading materials you suggested. One last question. My wife this whole time has been hanging out exclusively it seems with a girlfriend that is also wanting to divorce her husband. I feel like they are somewhat feeding off eachother emotionally. Any suggestions.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
I can almost assure you they are feeding off each other! Unfortunately, the more you try to discourage her to spend time with this girlfriend, the more she's going to see her. This is part of the rebellion. The WW is very much like a rebellious teenager who is hanging out with the wrong crowd or dating a bad boy. The more the parents tell her to stop seeing them, the more she'll resist doing what her parents want.
It's very disheartening for you, however, this is one of the many things that your WW will have to learn the hard way, or she may never see it at all. She has to butt with her own head whenever she is bound & determined to be influenced with friends who are making bad choices and wanting to pull her along, too.
There are many, many women who have been influenced to leave their M, by a wayward girlfriend. Birds of a feather flock together, or something of that nature.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Not going to lie. This morning really stung.Today is my birthday. When I picked up the kids this morning to take them to school, not only did my wife not acknowledge my birthday, but she didn't even tell the kids to wish me a happy birthday. OUCH!!! (She knows today is my birthday by the way)
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
Well let me wish you a Happy Birthday, in spite of everything that is happening around you. It's just awful how a WW will act and treat her H, even on special occasions. It's her way of hurting him just a little more.
I know it would be tough the first time, but I hope you will not depend upon her to make this day happy for you. Take that responsibility yourself and just make the most out of this day. Have a backup plan in mind for this evening. If you get home and still nothing about your birthday, get the kids and say you are going to celebrate daddy's birthday, and take them somewhere fun and act as if you are having a blast.
((JB910))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandi. My wife is not seeing anyone that I know of. Does this still make her a wayward wife? or a WAW? Also, I moved out of the house last week.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
I am not sure what is best for db'ing, but your son is only in first grade, so is it really that important that you have to rush over and help?
However, on the other hand, my friend always makes me answer this question: would you have done it for your kids before the separation? Who does it hurt?
IMHO, he is in first grade, so it is not critical. But, in most cases, I would say do what is in the best interest of your kids. Keep to the other db'ing strategies the best you can if you go over there. Good luck
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
She is going to use the kids to manipule you. The WW may not want the H, however, she wants to control him. Yes, the kids feel the repercussions of the manipulation. That is the unfortunate reality of S/D. My advice would be to lay down a ground rule of what you will or won't be doing. I would tell her that in the future, if your son needs assistance with homework that she has previously known is due, then it will be her responsibility to help him.......or she can give you considerable notice.
She will not respond well, and probably will accuse of you being a bad father.....blah....blah...blah. You cannot be blackmailed and manipulated into the smaller things, b/c believe me, it will only get worse. So, let it be known now that you will not be hopping over there every time she calls and tells you what you need to do for your child.
It does not make you a bad father. You won't be able to do for your kids on a day-to-day interaction the way you could if they were under the same roof with you. She has to see the reality of separation. It is not to punish her or out of anger, but to have some control in your own life. You cannot be available for her to snap her fingers to run over there. She will use the kids as her leverage. She will use the guilt card to manipulate you. It will be not be pleasant for you, and you may have guilty feelings, but it does not mean you have failed as a father or even as a H. Stay calm, cool, and collected. Do not go into long explanations with her. Just state it as civil as possible and then let her go. You can do it without looking like a jerk.
Does this make sense?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
