Staying The Course

[HopeRB]

I wasn't going to post this for several reasons but feeling the need to get it off my chest. I saw that H contacted OW on V-Day. It also appears that she is listed as his co-collaborator/biz partner along with her contact info on his company's site. She might have two different numbers b/c the number I've been knowing her to have is the one he called on Vday but there's a different number listed under her name on his site.

How can he wake up next to another person who isn't his wife and be happy about it? How can he just kick me out of the company that I helped him start and just replace me and all of the roles Ive had in his life for this person who clearly has no morals?

On the other side of that, I know I'm doing good at detaching b/c seeing this didn't affect the same way it might have a few months ago. But that doesn't help the fact that it still hurts.

[HopeRB]

Ok, I think I figured out that its actually a friend of his, and not OW listed on his site. But now that makes me want to reach out to his friend and ask him if him and his W know whats going on. B/c we've hung out with them before. Sigh.

[HopeRB]

And he knows OW.

[Thornton]

Dont reach out, you will look like a stalker.

Detach.

[HopeRB]

Thanks for always being there, Thornton. All I want to do is slap him to be honest lol. And, I've been good about not stalking anybody, for anything this whole time. Our "mutual" friend aka his best friend who also happens to be our neighbor heard me coughing up a lung last night and knocked on my door to see if I was ok. And since my revelation that DBing/GALing/180ing includes having a good countenance in front of friends/family is just as important, I pretended that I was doing ok and yadda, yadda, yadda. The last time he saw me, I was a wreck and we haven't spoken since then and try to not pass each other in the hallway.

But seriously, what does he say to a woman on Vday when he KNOWS he is wrong?! And even if he doesn't feel he is wrong, he's whispering sweet nothings to a woman who is NOT HIS WIFE! This is mayhem.

[HopeRB]

His family checked up on my the other day and now his best friend and they all talk daily so by now, he must know that his W is sick, broke, etc. But does he care?

[Thornton]

Yeah, people in affairs are basically addicts. They act the same way. If you read about the pysiological things that happen to the brain when a person is in a A, it's very similiar to drug addiction. Huge dopamine releases etc.

Addicts will do some crazy stuff to get another hit of that dopamine.

When I first fell in love with WAW, we lived about an hour apart. One day she was sick at home and it was a blizzard outside. I drove in the blizzard for 2 hours to bring her some soup from a restaraunt she liked.

I brought her the soup and then hung out with her for 15 minutes and then had to get back home before the roads got too bad. 4 hour trip to see her for 15 minutes. Insane...

[broke]

HopeRB,

I am in the same boat with my H being addicted to his OW. And, unfortunately, it is making me crazy and sabotaging my efforts to db. So, I agree with Thornton, don't contact the friend and detach. I know it is so much easier said than done. And, your imagination about the life he has with the OW just makes you crazy. But, I think the best we can do is detach. Now, if only I could take my own advice....

[HopeRB]

broke, you always hit the nail on the head. My mind constantly drifts to how much fun they must be having now that I'm out of the picture. Or not, maybe deep down in side H knows what he is doing is not right and will only serve to yield more pain and destruction if he keeps on this path. I pray that he is awaked from his fog. But I'll keep detaching.

Correct me if I'm wrong guys b/c I don't have kids but, do you think it would be easier for you to DB if you didnt have children? B/c I'm finding it pretty frustrating. Everyone says, "You're lucky you guys don't have kids," and I understand where they're coming from but does that make our M any less valid? Does that mean I should get over it any faster? And I feel like having kids at least gives you a reason to interact (although that doesn't seem to mean anything anyway in some cases). With no kids, H really has no reason to interact with me.

[Zues126]

Just caught up on your sitch. Sorry you're here. Just two comments to start.

In response to the whole "Should I want my M back" or "Should I accept D and move on", the answer is really neither. You don't need to make any decisions today. And even if you did, you would still grieve, you would still have second thoughts either way. And either way, you should be doing the same things. Taking care of yourself. So spare yourself the whole 'making a decision' thing. Instead detach from both outcomes and take care of yourself so you'll be ok regardless.

As for the whole "how can I be consistent with my validation", it reminded me of a post I made the other day. Cliff notes- work on understanding his point of view, not on pretending you do.

I don't think validation is a technique you should try to remember. I think it is the natural outcome of understanding your partner. If you can 'forget', this just means you haven't really understood his point of view. Because if you did, you wouldn't lose sight of it.

There was a story I never forgot about the dad with 3 kids riding home on a bus one day. The dad was quietly looking out the window. The kids were running up and down the aisles, running into other passengers, causing a ruckus. The dad did nothing to stop them and was just not attentive. As the kids grew more wild, the passengers on the bus started exchanging glances at each other, rolling their eyes, shaking their heads. Finally, one passenger decided he needed to address it. He tried to be polite but it was clear he was irritated. He walked up to the dad and said "excuse me, but if you haven't noticed your children have been behaving a bit inappropriately and it's bothering some of the passengers. Would you mind talking to them about it?" The dad turned slowly and said in a monotone voice, "I'm so sorry, I hadn't noticed. It's been a hard day. We are on our way back from their mother's funeral and I guess none of us really know how to handle it."

I read that over 10 years ago and it stuck with me. I believe it was from the 7 habits of highly effective people, but the point was about paradigm shift. How we see things a certain way, and how that can shift entirely. Once it shifts, it doesn't just shift back.

So once you truly hear what your H is saying, you won't need to remember to validate, any more than the passenger on the bus would need to try to remember to be patient with the dad the remainder of the trip home.

Hang in and keep posting.