I think it has nothing to do with men or women when telling someone not to rip apart a family. My W has friends and family that tell me they can't believe it and this and that but they are the same people that say they don't say anything to her because she gets mad.
Really. So say nothing because she gets mad. Right.
I had a friend Coke to me and tell me he wanted to leave his wife of 20 years. I told him straight up. I know you feel you have your reasons but I don't agree that you can't work things out if you wanted to. He left and we are still friends.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Not a pedestal at all. My guess is you are like me. I feel awful about not expressing how much I loved my life. That I didn't intend to take my marriage for granted. That my H and I both made my mistakes. The heartbreaking part is not having the opportunity to learn from those mistakes and building a stronger union than ever before. That's the part I'm struggling with. I know we could b great again if given the chance. But H is not interested unfortunately. Is that similar to how you feel?
By the way, my divorce support group is 6 people. And 3 of us are still hopeful for reconciliation. I shared the DR book with the other 2. It's just nice to be around others that are going through same thing.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Gosh, I wish you were friends with my H. He has a great friend who tells his wife that he's crazy to leave me and tear up our family. But he doesn't say any of this to my H. I agree though - some people just don't want to disagree with then so they don't get mad. What a shame not though.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I don't get it either. Are they afraid she will cut them off if they don't agree with her? Maybe. I could see that possibly happening. If she didn't see things the same as someone then she would just move on.
Is your husband that way?
I know when they are in this mindset they look for validation. If they don't get it, bye
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Not a pedestal at all. My guess is you are like me. I feel awful about not expressing how much I loved my life. That I didn't intend to take my marriage for granted. That my H and I both made my mistakes. The heartbreaking part is not having the opportunity to learn from those mistakes and building a stronger union than ever before. That's the part I'm struggling with. I know we could b great again if given the chance. But H is not interested unfortunately. Is that similar to how you feel?
I feel this way exactly. And to Otw's point, friends/family can say/not say whatever they want but the WAS is going to do what they want to do regardless if it's against everyone's better judgement and they've been presented with supporting reasoning and facts. My brother-in-law has been talking H off the ledge for over a year now (that's how long H says he hasn't been happy), and H tried in his own way but still left. And I've heard from various sources that they don't even know who this person is and they can't believe it. But yeah, will they stand up and say do what you have to to give it a fighting chance?
I wish more than anything in the world that H would be open and vulnerable with me, allowing me to share how I've recognized my faults. I pray everyday that he recognizes his own faults and is vulnerable with me about them. I would give anything to have another chance at rebuilding my marriage with H.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I know when they are in this mindset they look for validation. If they don't get it, bye
Exactly. That's why H wasn't talking to anyone for a long time. And I guess you could say that's why I'm keeping my distance from folks now too. B/c I don't want them to keep telling me to "move on."
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Agreed...I don't think my H opens up to many people because he wants the validation but knows that he is so wrong he won't get it. And, unfortunately, the one person he does talk to has been cheating on his wife for 3 years. Yet, he ended it the A and they are going to MC to save their marriage. He should be the perfect person to tell my H to stop what he is doing and try to save the marriage. But, he just listens and tells his wife he thinks my H is "delusional to leave me and my kids". It sounds like your H was doing similar thing - just avoiding talking about it to many people. They just don't want to hear that what they are doing is wrong. What use is a good friend if they are only going to tell you what they want to hear?! I also think validation is leading my H to follow through with the divorce. In order to validate his opinion that the M was doomed (even without the affair) he has to prove to everyone that our marriage was filled with problems (that never were discussed until after the A started).
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Haha, no worries. We're all here to share experiences and swap ideas. It's sad that these WAS's get validation for their actions, thus building their false confidence in that what they're doing is right or "healthy" as my H puts it.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
