In the end I decided to be brief : Hi, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Busy at work .Take care. I sent it a couple of hours back and she hasn't replied. Feels weird having so little contact with someone you shared everything with for so long. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing but the only alternative seems to be the best friend position which I don't want to occupy. I suppose NC could mean the end of the friendship she wanted to keep when she left. She said I was her best friend, best company etc. I suppose the best thing is to put it out of my mind and continue with my life. Who knows what she is thinking or doing? Only fear is that she can be very stubborn and if she decides I'm ignoring her or sulking then she will harden her attitude. So far when we meet she has always been affectionate and friendly. Am I taking the right line? Not sure anymore.
Hi Scrant, that sounds fine to me and try not to doubt yourself. Let's look at this from both your angle and from her angle.
From her angle, she has chosen to end the M with you and jump into a R with someone else. Choosing that path brings consequences, one of which is your betrayed husband doesn't want to be best chums with you. I would allow her to feel that consequence.
From your perspective, it is going to be most helpful if you can detach from her poor choices and attach to a rich and full new life. I know the loss of her is hard, and it isn't going to help you move forward if you are to-ing and fro-ing with her on a chummy, frequent text basis. Coparenting and practicalities with the odd pleasantly thrown in is my view.
You can always add in a touch more breeziness if you want - Hi W - yes I'm good, thanks for asking. Busy at work & doing some new stuff. Take care
But that's as far as I go. Others might say go dark & ignore any text like that from her that isn't business. But I've never managed the whole ignoring thing. I'm too much of a nice girl! Plus your W isn't in frequent contact, so a brief and breezy reply seems fine to me. I think it's a baby step to have her contact you like that - looking over her shoulder perhaps? But I would not dwell on it any further and would move solidly forward.
How's your footie going? any more GAL plans in the offing?? Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Sotto. Thanks for the reassurance, it is much needed. Still cooking, the footie is back on this Thursday. At the weekend I'll meet up with lorts of work colleagues I haven't seen for a while. Relation with S is very close and we can laugh together. Compared to some of the sitchs I've read I can't complain. If only I didn't miss her, lifewould be ok!
I think this is an important statement, and if you can create a life that is actually okay, despite not having your W in it - that's key. I remember realising that I HAD to rebuild my life, because if H and I got back together from a place of brokenness on my part, there would always have been that fear that I couldn't make it on my own. Fear of losing him again and what might happen to me if I did? Truly, I have missed my H a lot over the past 18 months. However, I have come to realise that a lot of the 'missing' was pretty codependent, and I've been working on that.
I have to say, recently I miss him less - and I feel I'm reaching that point where it would be my commitment to the marriage that keeps me standing more than my love for him. I don't particularly have loving feelings towards him just now. Things have been pretty much razed to the ground in our sitch. But I do know some things - my life will be fine, I will be fine - regardless of whichever ultimate way things go. In fact, I have more confidence I would be fine alone, than that I would be fine if we were together. I worry now whether I could thrive in a R with him - but I also try to accept I could come to feel different in time if something changed from his end....
Anyway, sorry to ramble on & glad you've got to the point you have. Much better than feeling your life is OVER because she isn't currently in it.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just received a text from W asking if I want to meet up for a coffee an hour before S gets out of sports training. Not sure how to reply. Is it W checking in after my brief reply the other day? To see if I'm still waiting? Or should I go just to maintain a cordial relationship? Take the chance to talk about holiday plans, finances. Or should I politely decline saying I'm busy and maybe some other time? What to do after a month's NC?
bumping for Scrant... I am interested to hear what people think.
Scrant, I am in a very similar situation in terms of limited contact and have thought about what I would say in this exact situation. I would do the same thing you did... which is come here first. My initial thought would be to politely decline, and then maybe propose a different time/day and end with a smiley face or something like that. I would bring that here and see what people thought though.
Best of luck... interested to hear what you do and how it goes.
It really depends on if you want to be her BFF or if you want a marriage.
If you want a marriage, politely decline. The cardinal rule of DBing is this: ACTIONS, not WORDS
So, telling her that you won't be her best buddy while she's in an A, and telling her that you're moving forward and not waiting...that would be pointless. Especially if you are meeting her for coffee's at her first invite for no reason.
Instead SHOW her you're not going to be her best buddy or stand by waiting. I like the light/breezy response. If she pushes further don't reply immediately, just post here.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks Zues. I've left the text unopened all day so I think I'll go with: Hi. Thanks for the invite but I'm busy most Thursdays. Maybe some other time. Take care😀
Hi Scrant. I'm far from an vet so take my advice with a pinch of salt if you wish
How about saying thanks for the offer of coffee ( no rejection or closing doors ) but o can't this time because I'm busy with X , Y or Z right up until the practice How about a rain check. ?
For me , this would show willing on your part but also show your aren't running after them
