Sorry Vapo but I am obsessive compulsive. I will always analyze and over analyze every detail. That is something I cannot help. I have done it in my daily life ever since I can remember. Have a practice coming up, night before I think of what I am going to teach the kids. Then go back and look at the problems the kids are having and rerun how will that practice address it. Have a judo tournament coming up, I fight every fight in my head while going to sleep. If they step this way what will I do, if they try this how will I counter. A trial or argument, I analyze every word I will say. Will this phrase alienate anyone. Is this the most powerful way to say this point.
So why I am sure not to contact her first about anything but the kids and I am sure to detach and not just scramble to be at the phone every time she calls or text. I cannot stop analyzing the words that I do hear or read. What I am doing is making sure to do it outside of her presence and not let her see me hung up on what did she mean by this or that. The other thing I am working to make sure I am always the one to end the conversation.
If we are separated and have no contact whatsoever then I am also certain I have no chance of her returning. Having said that, I am not catering to her, I am not holding on and keeping the conversation going. I am also not saving her, if she needs money for a bill she can ask her mom for help, (especially since her mom encouraged her to leave). I understand she needs to feel the consequences of leaving.
I feel like I am following the readings and I am not ignoring you Vapo or arguing, so if I am blowing it please be honest and let me know. I am just saying I am trying to take all the advice, readings, coaching and counseling sessions and then apply it. However, I can't stop my mind from running, that is part of who I am and honestly something I am not willing to change because my obsessive compulsive thinking and over thinking have helped me succeed thus far in my endeavors. While I am working to change the bad things about me I do not want to completely lose myself in the process. BTW I have read and reread and edited this post 4 times be posting :-)
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
If we are separated and have no contact whatsoever then I am also certain I have no chance of her returning.
First of all that is an EXPECTATION. Brings those down to zero.
You have no idea what will happen in the future. If you do - can you buy me the winning lottery tickets for next week? Or did you know that you would get married and then go through a rough patch now? Things change and sometimes we are clueless.
That being said, have you read the pursuit and distance thread in my first post to you?
So it sounds like you have been pursuing for your whole marriage. Was that healthy?
Keep reading and learning TimR, Knowledge is Power.
Thanks Cadet. I ordered the book and realize I just skimmed some of the links you first sent me after rereading the pursuit and distance thread. Seems like you are telling me to pull back more, so I will let you know how that goes.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Thanks Cadet. I ordered the book and realize I just skimmed some of the links you first sent me after rereading the pursuit and distance thread. Seems like you are telling me to pull back more, so I will let you know how that goes.
Yeah - I am also telling you to read all the links and all of the links within each link, because Knowledge really is Power.
Just journaling. No contact today. As far as GALing I picked up an extra light workout today since the match I was supposed to coach got cancelled due to the weather. The work out was not hard enough to be fulfilling there. More me just working with another guy and helping him with his throws. I know it sounds selfish of me, but right now I don't want to help people I want to do things for me! I get that is horrible to say but it is true. I wanted to get out of the house because it is lonely here and depressing, thought a good workout would help but instead I get stuck teaching.
So with that disappointment, tonight's over analytical thought is maybe I should just move on. I am lonely and would just love to feel wanted by someone. Not sexual gratification but an actual closeness to someone. To feel something with someone, to fill that hole. I am not saying I am giving up, just saying what I want. Of course, what ever happens with me and my WW, I know I am not ready for a relationship, and I am not going to through away my M (lol whatever is left of it) just to be with someone.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I see you are doing well. A word of caution though... Try to curb the analysis thing, you might fall into the analysis paralysis trap. Also when you analyze logical problems, you can come to logical conclusions, however this whole situation (as you will soon discover) defies logic, so any excessive analyzing will drive you nuts, so it is best you stop analyzing it (or at least minimize it). Take the whole situation as it is, face the fact that it had nothing to do with you and come to terms that you cannot thing your way out of this one (scary thought for a thinker, heh?) and live your life forward.
Do notice, I did not say move on, I said move forward. It's time to upgrade your hardware to Tim 2.0.
And patience, you will need the patience of a saint...
Sorry just going to vent a bit and work some anger out.... And here it goes...
Text from her "Can I stop at your house and get the last of my things. I am going to take some of the curtains I bought."
Me: "Sure can you tell me what curtains you plan to take so I can prepare and get new ones" "Oh yeah did you take my drill?"
Her paraphrased Pretty much all the curtains. Oh yeah I guess I did when do you need it back.
Me: no rush
Her: The water company cant stop payment on the check for the water bill so you can just pay me back.
WTF (sorry if that is not allowed) She lived at the house rent and bill free for a month, while I got an apartment so as to give her, her space. The only bills I ever asked her to pay was the water and garbage. Everything else I paid! I went home last week to find a shut off notice of the water so rather than the kids going without water I went and paid the past due bill $200. She went in the next day to paid the bare minimum to keep the water on, not knowing I already paid it. Keep in mind the garbage was shut off because she failed to pay for months (which I took care of) and the water was not paid for months either. Now she expects me to pay her back for her past due bill!!! Keep in mind she conveniently has not mentioned the fact that her car is still on my auto insurance policy which I pay.
How can I not be ANGRY!
I am thinking about how to answer this without sounding as p!$$ed off as I am and making a big thing of it. "Your check was for the past due amount for while you were living there which you owed $290. I just paid it because I did not want the kids to go without water for the last week you lived there." Which will see the response of you are such an a#$hole. "I could say I do not have it right now. We can talk about it in the future." Not sure what reaction I will get out of this. Or I could say, "Sure and we should get your car insurance changed over!! BTW you owe for the last few months"
Ugh If I give in and pay then I am a doormat. If I don't then she moves further away.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Sorry but my conclusion was, "We can talk about it but it cant be right this instant. Between S dr bill, telephone and regular counseling and buying the team dinner after the tournament, I am tight till next pay at least."
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
