Need help. Threading water, must learn to swim.

[G8r]

Hi rich4j. I have told her and I told her again today that her behavior was unacceptable and she needed to leave. She responded by getting in my face and daring me to hit her. Believe me, I would have loved to lay the smack down but that is not something I want to teach D3 and it would have gotten me arrested. Instead, I turned my back to her and started my phone recording. L said the state in which I reside is 1 person consent so I figured let her spew.

If I had been in a different room, I would have taken D3 and left but besides WW blocking the door (daring me to touch her) D3 was on the porcelain throne. I really didn't feel comfortable leaving her with WW at that time. I also realize my WW is very conniving but she doesn't realize how conniving I can be. She has always let it be known that she can be conniving. I always have felt it best not to advertise that type of information. Let them find out after the fact.

Some people may say that I should have threatened to call the police. I was trying to diffuse the situation. Calling would have exacerbated the sitch and my WW has already threatened to have the sheriff remove me from the house so I have no doubt she is ready to lie to accomplish that if the police came.

All of this has made me reconsider our custody sitch. Initially, I was willing to let D3 live with WW because she used to be a good mother and she had a more flexible schedule. I think I will look into full custody and let her have supervised visits since she can't seem to hold her tongue or hide her anger and resentment.

Anyone have any advice?

[rich4j]

Hi rich4j. She responded by getting in my face and daring me to hit her. Believe me, I would have loved to lay the smack down but that is not something I want to teach D3 and it would have gotten me arrested.
All of this has made me reconsider our custody sitch. Initially, I was willing to let D3 live with WW because she used to be a good mother and she had a more flexible schedule. I think I will look into full custody and let her have supervised visits since she can't seem to hold her tongue or hide her anger and resentment.

Wow. Sorry for the sitch but I think your WW may be cousins of mine :-) Has gotten in my face but not the hitting comment. that is out of control and you should record this. Document it and let your lawyer know

Custody from what I am learning is different across the board depending on state/situation. I would also consult the L but there is legal joint custody (joint decisions on braces, relgion etc...) and then physical custody...(at least in my state). I would document, journal every day with d3...the time you spend, what you do vs her etc.....if you want to have full custody. Keep a documented record of every day and consult with your L

We have a bit of similar situations and I am not sure if she plans on moving out (I can't recall your entire sitch) or you are? Being in the same house seems to be a toxic mix as I am experiencing this myself...anger, resentment, and having this around any children is tough. I hope you can get some peace and protect D3 from experiencing anything detrimental

[G8r]

Thank you for the support rich4j. We have joint and legal custody in the state that I live. I originally was prepared to go 50/50 with her being primary but I am reconsidering. I haven't hired a L but I have spoken to 3 different ones. I was going to go with middle ground (and I still may) but the shark is looking better each day.

I haven't recorded what each of us does with D3 but that sounds like a good idea. I tend to do activities with her while WW sirs her in front of the TV.

All 3 Ls said to stay in the home but I need to reconsider. I was waiting to be served before making a final decision on which L to hire but I am beginning to think, why am I waiting for WW to come to her senses. She isn't any time soon and she may never come to them again.

The home sitch is toxic now. My WW was complaining that it was toxic to her and I kind of shrugged and thought to myself that the only reason it was toxic was because she was having an A and acting like a brat. Seems like since she is miserable, she has taken it upon herself to make everybody else miserable as well. The thing that irks me the most is that she isn't completely oblivious to what she is doing to D3. She sees; however, she chooses to blame me for it rather than take any responsibility. She always has had a troubled relationship with her mother yet she becomes more and more like her each day. One of these days she will wake up and realize that she has created the same dynamic between her and our D3. Only then it will be too late. The irony.

[TimR]

That's horrible G8r!! I have had an angry wife too. Honestly where do they get off being so angry! We on the other hand have every right to be angry. I find myself swinging from a rage to extreme sadness to being hopeful. My only suggestion is to reread sandi's rules and the boundaries cheat sheet. Good luck my friend and stay strong!!

[G8r]

Thank you for the support TimR. I'm not sure why they feel entitled to be so angry. I get the impression that my WW'S conscience is eating her alive. She looks like a crap. She is emotionally, physically and mentally drained. She now also has regular headaches and seems to be physically sick every other week (which she has blamed me for as well). I so want to tell her that her stress would drop and her health would improve if she just dumped the chump (om). That would be the logical conclusion but WW is in complete denial, so much so that she doesn't even believe she is having an A. She reasons that the M was dead so her outside relationship doesn't count as an A. WTF.

[TimR]

OMG we are in almost the identical situation! I first caught my W on social media and brought it to her attention. She acted like I hurt her by accusing her. Then I investigated more and confronted her again. That time she got angry with me about it and still denied. Then my youngest stepson told me about her sending selfies to the guy and reading the "I love you" text from trailer park boy. I confronted her again and she accused me of putting the youngest up to spying on her. Then I tracked down where the guy lives and caught her car there. I took a picture of it and then text it to her. She called me a stalker! and still denied cheating. She actually told me that she wished I knocked on the door so I could see they were all hanging out and then got mad at me when I said you realize if I knocked on the door your bf would be dead right now and I would be in jail.

Just like your W mine has always taken great pride in her appearance and now she just looks really, really run down. Mine doesn't even do her nails anymore. She looks just exhausted and sick. Of course that was blamed on me too.

I have pulled way back and just today she called me just to chat, which I took the call and then oddly sent me a text a few hours later. I chose to ignore the text. Per going dark I don't want her to think I am there at her beck and call. It seems to be working but who knows what tomorrow will bring??

[G8r]

Wow TimR!!! I am truly grateful that my WW'S A is with om in different state 8 to 10 hours away because I would definitely confront the om. That took some intestinal fortitude for you not to confront him. Funny thing about my WW is that although she denies having an A, she doesn't nothing to hide it. She truly believes that what she is doing is not an A and it's not only in her best interest but also in the best interest of D3. And she calls me crazy? Aye, aye, aye....

Glad to hear you feel you are having some success pulling back. Just be careful and don't read too much into it. I thought I was having a bit of success by pulling back last week because I got 2 dinner invitations and an invite to the zoo. I was happy but not excited and then on Thursday I was unable to ignore her verbal jabs and got pulled into an argument which has fester ed through yesterday even with her gone Friday night through Sunday night. Another day, so back to the drawing board.

[G8r]

WW'S frostiness thawed a little bit over the past 2 days. Got my f ivorced and separated support group to go to tonight. I'm really starting to look forward to going. Not that I didnt previously, but it's becoming a bigger highlight of my week.

On other hand, WW hasn't reinstated my invitation to go to the circus tomorrow. Not sure if she even remembers because she was talking about how busy she WAS AND she also had to pack. Although I will miss my.D3 this weekend, I'm also looking forward to having g the house to myself. I need to catch up on some rest. If my WW wasn't planning and filed for D, there are a bunch of projects that I would tackle. No sense now since we both seem to agree that she'll stay and I'll leave when D final.

[G8r]

Need help / advice. WW thinks I'm going to Lady's night and picking up women when I go to divorce support group at church. Tonight she said, oh I forgot it's date night. Enjoy. Should I tell her truth or let her continue thinking I'm dating? I would tell truth if she asked but she hasn't. Advise?

[rich4j]

G8r

Hit the IGNORE button. None of her buisness...let her think what she wants....
You have no obligation to tell her squat