Staying The Course

[Thornton]

I didnt do a good job of GAL today. I stayed on the couch and threw a pity party.

Good job on the gym! Hopefully you'll get some good sleep tonight.

Try not to focus too far into the future in regards to having kids with H. Stay in the now as best you can. I know it's hard to do but it's better for your PMA.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you got this!

[HopeRB]

T0324, I just came across something from your story that illustrates my struggle to stay on course to a tee:

"That's what I struggle with is how to stay dark but bring him closer because I feel like I am so cold to him - giving him just yes no or okay answers."

How did you do this and and stay consistent when all you wanted was him to communicate with you and show you some respect?

[HopeRB]

Thanks Thornton. Everyone here has been so supportive and helpful in the sharing of experiences and I truly appreciate that.

It's late and cold and I'd like to go to sleep but don't feel like doing the whole empty bed thing tonight although I have to. It's fine, I'm just complaining I suppose. But I also think about how our friends are not even reaching out to me. At all. It seems that everyone is on his side and agreeing with him. His family has stopped reaching out as much even though they told him he needs to come home and no he is making a big mistake. And friends just dont even call me, not even to sympathize. There's only 1 person i confide in right now who H doesn't know at all and for a long time I just didn't have the energy to meet new people and forge new relationships. Feeling at a loss of friendships and connections we all once shared. People who I thought would be there for me and fight for "their favorite couple." These ppl stood next to us at our wedding and now, I don't hear from anyone.

[HopeRB]

Forgot to mention, stay strong Thornton! We made it through today, "holiday" or not! I heard this quote today and it may or may not help you but, I know I'm trying to allow this to really sink in:

"If i change the direction of the way I think, I can change the direction of the way I live."

[HopeRB]

Anyone have advice on dealing with the sudden change from friends and family? It's quite hurtful.

[Thornton]

Hi Hope,

Can you clarify your question? What kinds of issues are you having?

[ciluzen]

Anyone have advice on dealing with the sudden change from friends and family? It's quite hurtful.

I've had the same issues, especially since I'm naturally shy and was more comfortable allowing H to do all of the planning and communicating. Sometimes those friends just don't know what to do or afraid of upsetting one or both of you. So, you have to grow a pair and take the initiative.

So here's what I have done:

1)Reached out by note, phone or text to family and mutual or former friend's just to "check on them" or "say hey". Let them know I've missed them.

2)Organize dates, parties, coffee groups, or small dinners at my house (what ladies used to do...) just because "I miss seeing you all".

3)Got honest. Reached out to some people who seemed nice at work and explained my situation and that I needed some friends. You'd be surprised; people often respond well to feeling needed.

4)Joined some meetup.com activities and a church(I'm not so religious) to broaden my range of support and sense of community belonging. Helps with GAL, too.

If you're like me, these are 180s as well. I realize it takes work to create change. Hope this helps.

[HopeRB]

Thanks ciluzen for your suggestions. I've been reaching out to people, have gotten support from a few coworkers. It hurts so much though. When I think of how everyone must be on his side in all this. And I don't want people choosing sides, I want our friends/family to fight for us. I have no support and sometimes feel discouraged.

On another note, feeling quite defeated. I know the only thing I have to control is myself, and I've been doing a good job of that but inside, I just feel so powerless.

[broke]

HopeRB,

I also felt very hurt by friends of both my H and myself that weren't "sticking up for me" or telling my H that he is making a huge mistake fracturing his family and having an A. Unfortunately, I don't think men are prone to giving advice to one another like women do. In addition, I don't think my H was telling the truth. Finally, I think some people just don't know what to do by being stuck in the middle, so they do nothing. But, I will say telling lots of people my side of the story may have helped me "vent" but it has not helped encourage a reconciliation by my H. In fact, it has harmed it because he feels I have turned many mutual friends against him. So, what about joining some other activities instead? I joined a divorce support group that helped me realize that there are several people in the same situation as me. I also joined a ladies golf group which has been a ton of fun. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone but I look forward to both groups for different reasons. Someone suggested on my thread to do an activity that I always wanted to do that my H didn't. Every little bit of distraction that you enjoy I find helps. Sometimes its just getting up and out the door that is the most effort.

[HopeRB]

Broke, I was literally just catching up on your story when you posted your comment just now.

Everything you said just mentioned about our friends/family are all thoughts that I've had and am coming to terms with. And I try not to talk negatively about H at all to mutual friends but they know how much I'm hurting. Everytime I feel good about my DBing and GALing, I make a mistake and have to start alllll over again, and I'm realizing that includes interactions with friends/family. So, this is why I've slightly distanced myself also b/c I know I'm going to get emotional and say something that I'll regret. So better not to say anything at all.

I thought about the divorce/separation support group thing but I feel like that would be me conceding to his wishes and giving up hope on R. I know it's a weird thought process but not everyone in those groups is necessarily wanting R. The suggestion about doing an activity that H didn't want to do is already in the mix so I plan those activities for myself. I don't want to come off like I'm in full stand-still mode - I go out, have dinners with friends, church, etc. But I, like many of us here think it would be so much more fun with H. Just venting. I've been sick the last few days and H would've even made being fun lol. Btw, is this me putting him on a pedestal? I know he messed up but I also made a lot of mistakes too.