surrealism is not my style

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Ciluzen, how are you? Did you go on yohr ski trip yet? I was wondering how it went.

[ciluzen]

I'm back! Annnnd confused (nothing new there!), but I observed a few things.

I mostly had a good time and the skiing was great! D25's two high school buddies are former ski instructors, so they gave me tips and some great praise on how much I'd improved from what they remembered of my abilities years ago. They are so much fun to hang out with and the set of parents were fun, too.

I did have a bit of trouble with memories washing over me (skied this resort with H and kids and the family H was with this weekend many times) which caused a few teary moments. I regret this, as it affected my daughter even though I tried to hold them back.

I hadn't heard from H (except his text that he'd deposited money into my account) since a week ago Saturday when he unexpectedly skied and lunched with me. However he texted D the entire day we drove up and a few times our first morning there. He wanted daddy/daughter/SIL time. She was torn as she wanted to focus on me since she invited me, but he's her dad.

We accidentally ran into H, Bubbles, and Bubbles' H skiing together at one point. As H told D they were heading into lunch (ignored me) Bubbles gave me a cheery but cautious "hi". Now I know I was going to be super friendly to her (my goal), but I wasn't. I just managed a hi back and looked aloof (more probably pi##ed off). She was not with them later in the day, and H was a bit warmer to me as we skied a few runs together that time and he sat next to me on the lift.

The next day H's group and D and her group did morning skiing together and I joined D later. I had spent the morning talking with D25's daughter's mom. At some point we all met up with H and his group, but Bubbles and her H did not acknowledge me (or me them) and they chose to go back. At this point, H decided to be Ciluzen's good ol'H again...jokes, smiles, and telling me where to go and what to do. I decided to ski past him and show that I was able to ski just fine and find my own way down to whatever lift we were going to.He actually told people how good I'd gotten and was impressed that I never complained (180's, maaaan!). His smile kept getting wider. Then we decided to leave and the veil dropped. Back to cold indifferent H, even to D and SIL. Just a quick goodbye.

So,observations:

1)My D is struggling with our split. She loves skiing with her dad, but as much as he kept promising to have daddy/daughter/SIL bonding time this weekend, he always had the others in tow. He even asked her to do the early runs on Sunday...just them. But when she and SIL got to the lift, he was already riding up with other family! She told him later that not only did he ditch her, but that she felt he was replacing our family with Bubbles'.

2) H is struggling. He is almost desperate in his attempts to control everyone and MAKE them have fun. HIS way. Even the group I was with. It was ringing false. He also was drinking a lot (basically drank his flask dry by the time I met him at noon).

3)H still feels the need to control/take care of me/ try to make sure I'm happy. First run together he shouts to me, "you're with me! Come on!" Then quickly corrected to, "I mean...if you want to..." almost sheepishly. I did, but he felt the need to give me instructions constantly...so I often just did what I wanted. Didn't argue or complain; just skied.

4)Bubbles and her H seemed to notice this as well. I don't know if they chose not to ski with us because they thought I wanted that, because they wanted to let H and I have time together, or because they are angry with me; but when H asked who he was in charge of (referencing the teens with them), Bubbles said irritably "no one. They can find their way around without you!" Then got on the lift.

5) I have felt that everyone just didn't have a big issue with H's behavior...divorce and male/female friendships being so common. No one except my D's and my close friends have expressed outrage at his closeness to Bubbles and how often he was alone with her. But on this trip I realized that others had thought his behavior (I found that others had seen them alone or at functions without me)crossed lines.
And I believe (trying not to mindread) that Bubbles was trying to be truthful when she said she was trying not to step on anyone's toes right now. I had told her how I felt, and I noticed she had her husband with her skiing a lot (others in my group confirmed it).

6) It was hard at first, but I was able to get past my need for H this weekend a bit. I had fun. I had good conversation. I could picture myself a bit with a life without him. Do I WANT that? No. But I can see it through a pinhole if I squint.

Sorry for the book. And thank you to those who check on me and support me. These boards, I believe, are truly life savers. If not marriage savers. I realize as I read other's stories how awful this experience can be and how helpful putting my own story down can also be. I hope it can be as helpful to someone else, either through the shared similarities, the support that is seen, or the various great ideas and advice on each post.

[ciluzen]

Reaaaaally miss the edit button.

The next day H's group and D and her group did morning skiing together and I joined D later. I had spent the morning talking with D25's daughter's mom.

daughter's=friend's.

Sheesh!

[ciluzen]

Also, H called me this afternoon. He said he wanted to make sure we made it home. Proceeded to talk about the weekend and chit-chat about everyone; my group, his group, rides home, food. Brought up that D had said it (Pres. Day ski trip) just wasn't the same. I agreed and said it never would be again. This is the first time he's called me since the night after the papers were delivered.

[Thornton]

Keep showing him how cool and collect you are. Make the most of these convo's and always come across as serene and happy.

[ciluzen]

Keep showing him how cool and collect you are. Make the most of these convo's and always come across as serene and happy.

I'm trying, Thornton. It is hard to go from nothing (NC from me) to random calls or "dates". When he was talking about his weekend, it was a friendly conversation.

But I really am starting to think that he is in MLC. I visit those boards and see so many similarities. Yes, I acknowledge my part in the marriage issues, but there is something more here.

His behavior this weekend and at other times shows someone desperately trying to control a situation and other people, despite their wishes. He was TRYING to have fun. Not just having it. Maybe when I was there H was trying too hard to show ME he was having a good time...without me. He seemed to want to focus on me much, but not all, of the time. He also complimented me (to others, within earshot) on my abilities and lack of complaining (I did used to complain or act scared or unsure about where he was leading me or my ability to ski certain runs). But whatever it was, H did not relax. I don't know.

I'll just keep on keeping on. I will show him cool and collected, serene and happy. I will focus on H in our convos, listening and validating where I can. And no R talk.

[Nel]

Cil-
I finished reading your entire story. Wow. I'm so sorry about the development with your H. I agree with you that your husband is in MLC. I hear all the time from my H, "I'm just not happy." They do think by getting out of the marriage that they will magically be happy. It is heartbreaking. I know you are working so hard on yourself. It is very impressive to me how introspective you've been and how you've owned your mistakes. Now you really have to focus just on YOU. I like what Thorton said.

Nel

[inpain]

Hi Ciluzen!

WOW! You rocked DBing on that trip, well done you! It sounds like you had a good time and didn't let H see any signs of anything other than happy Ciluzen having a great time!

You are becoming so great at reflecting on the situations with your H and adjusting your DBing efforts. Can I come over for a master class please?

Hugs, IP

[ciluzen]

Thanks Nel and IP for the support (and I LOVE hugs!). No master classes here. Just fumbling and stumbling like everyone else.

Talk about focusing on me...

My lawyer just kind of yelled at me for not knowing what to ask for in D. Told me I needed to get in a different mind set before she even considered trying to schedule mediation. Maybe I should "go away for a few days" to get my mind right because she can't help me get what I want if I don't know what I want.

I just got back from a few days away! And I want my H! Pshhh.

So, I had to write an email detailing what I wanted and how I wanted assets split up. S$%t just got real. Its so...vulgar. I sound so greedy in my email. But I was told to aim high. Now I feel so dirty, like I just did the biggest 180 of them all and I don't even know who wrote that.

I feel like calling H to apologize ahead of time..."Its not me! My L made me do it!"

Its a starting point, but ick.

Can't we just sit down and hash this out like real people?

[ciluzen]

Feeling quite low again. I will keep DBing, despite what I'm hearing from others IRL.

I just am starting to doubt the small changes I think I'm seeing in H. Everyone keeps telling me his mind is made up, move on. He's just a nice guy and is treating me nicely or that he's being nice out of guilt. He has said a few times that he wants to be friends, but I'm pretty sure he won't treat me like he treats his friends. He doesn't just call to chat or hang out. So, I don't believe that. Besides ,how do you just turn off love and intimacy?

By analyzing each interaction, I'm failing at detaching, but there is something in me that fears letting go. I see that he sees some of my changes, but is that ever going to be enough to turn him back? I know these changes are for me and they have helped, but still...my goal really is to R. My Ds both have said to focus on me and stop thinking of H. They are pretty confused about their dad's behavior, too, but they are telling me to just stop worrying about him. I know they are right.

My interactions with my L shook me up. That fear of HUGE change in my life rather than this limbo (bad enough) almost have me paralyzed with fear. Going back to school for a more advanced degree at this point in my life is daunting. So much time. Added stress. Moving into a new place, FINDING a new place, packing up and repairing this house for sale, selling a lot of our stuff....so much to do.

I read about others doing this on here all of the time. How do you find the energy to completely reinvent yourself at a time you thought you would be preparing for your "golden years" with the person you loved? I remember joking with H after my Ds wedding this summer, "one down and one to go...then we'll finally be alone!". That must have sent the fear of God through his heart!

Sorry for the venting, just really feeling anxious right now about the reality of the D process.