Long time

[2Times2Many]

Hello Nel,

So sorry you are here.

I also have an H that didn't finish his journey, so I can relate to the double whammy from two BD's.

I tend to look at H as a teen who just landed in college and is making the best of a responsibility free life. You really can't do anything but wait for them to "grow up" again.

It's especially heartbreaking when you thought you had weathered the storm only to have it reverse course and come back stronger than before. I too spent a lot of time wondering how H could just walk away from a good life and a good family who loved him. But it goes with the territory of MLC land. It's hard to accept that there is nothing you can do but wait and be patient with the hope they will figure it out.

I think (at least my experience is) they put a lot of effort into making us believe that life is wonderful and it may be (for them) in the beginning ... like moving into his house. But, since they do take themselves with them, I don't think that euphoria lasts very long, although they won't let you know that!

The one concrete thing I can advise is to stop asking H about the (possible) OW. If there is something going on, he will just lie about it and whether there is or not, it's not good DBing. You can't detach and they can't see that you will be just fine with or without them if you're grilling them about OW or any other thing they might be doing. You have to zip your lips. Trust me, I know exactly how hard that is!

{{{Hugs}}}

2T2M

[Nel]

Irish-
Yes, my Ds are very intuitive. They love their dad and also realize he is struggling. I try not to ask them much about him because I don't want to put them in the middle. Our family was a very close knit family who did everything together. What he is doing is devastating to us all, and I know they are all struggling with it. I'm so afraid it will affect their future relationships in some way. How can it not??

2Times-
I'm sorry that you too had 2 BDs. It is definitely heartbreaking. I absolutely KNOW I need to zip my lips (and also shut my mind off) about OW. Thanks for reminding me. It does absolutely no good except get me off track of detaching. I'm trying to stay dark right now, so I don't talk to him unless it is about D17 or financial things.

[clarity]

Nel,
I'm sorry that you find yourself here.
In all honesty, you don't want your Husband back right now anyways. This is a long drawn out process and takes years to get through.
The very best thing you can do for yourself is to keep busy and detach from all of the BS.
If you ask questions you won't get the truth anyways so it's best not to go there. The way he perceives the truth is different from reality and you will only get bits and pieces anyway.
The OW is nothing. The novelty eventually wears off, but the more you interfere, the longer it will go on.
MLC'ers are like little children with new toys. They have tantrums and throw fits, yet they always seem to be looking back for their mother's approval. In this case, you are the mother.
(((hugs)))

[Nel]

Mirepoi-
Thanks for the advice. You are right in that MLC'ers are like little children with new toys. That's what I'm thinking about his new house. The novelty will wear off soon and he'll see how alone he is.


So, I am really dreading Valentine's Day. This was the weekend last year that my H filed and the weekend has horrible memories for me. This year isn't looking any better since I'm in the same situation again. I definitely needed to plan something to do, so I am going on a weekend away from our town with D17 and D19. I don't get to see D19 very often since she attends college far away, so I'm excited that D17 and I get to spend time with her. That will definitely take my mind off what is going on here.

Still dark with H as much as possible. I had told him when he filed both this year and last year that if I couldn't be his wife then I didn't want to be his friend either because friends don't treat each other like this. Now I'm trying to find that balance between staying dark, yet keeping the door ajar. Last year he told me that he had a hard time getting the courage to come to me to tell me he made a mistake and that he missed me. I provided an opening for him because I noticed his odd behavior and said, "Has something changed?" Then he was able to tell me. This time, I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I saw on another poster's thread that they had the same question...afraid that being dark gave the impression that the door was shut. What do you guys think?

Nel

[job]

Nel,

I think it's a wonderful idea to go away this weekend and spend it w/your daughters. There is just too much hype over Valentine's Day and you know what? It's just another day for businesses to sell flowers, chocolates, cards and jewelry.
What more precious is to spend time w/your children. That is something that money can't buy!

As for leaving the door ajar that is something that only you can determine. How do you normally react when your h contacts you? You can treat him in a civil manner and test the waters by being just a friend, which means listening and validating. No heavy relationship questions/talks at this time. If he should contact you, keep the conversations on neutral subjects, such as your children.

Since you and your daughters don't get together too often, you could always let him know how she's doing at college, after you return home...but that's up to you. This could be a neutral subject and one that may be of interest to him.

Just remember, if you open up the lines of communication, you need to keep your topics neutral and keep those expectations at zero at all time...and no relationship talks!

[Nel]

Job, I wouldn't dream of talking about a relationship with him right now. It's so hard because my family and friends are really pushing me to move on from him, but I keep saying that I know he is struggling and how can I walk away from a 30 year relationship with a man that I love?? They truly don't understand how I can want to be with someone who has hurt me so much, so I'm thankful that I have you guys. I'm trying to detach and keep busy, giving H the space he needs to figure things out. He texts me usually about every day or so mostly about the girls or financial things. I reply when needed and always friendly. He said last year that he wanted to only be friends and that this D wouldn't be nasty like his parents. He has given me pretty much everything I wanted, probably to assuage his guilt.

Thursday night we had a work event that we were both at. I caught him watching me several times. This weekend he texted me about a memory that we shared about when our kids get sick. I just tried to keep it light and joking. I keep remember someone saying to make sure you leave them remembering a positive interaction with you.

This weekend was good. I got to spend time with D17 and D19. We went shopping and out to dinner away from our town. They both "peer pressured" me to buy something nice that I wouldn't have normally bought for myself...and I did. It made me feel good about myself, which is lacking right now.

I know that H is the one with the MLC, but when I keep remembering all the things he has said to me, it really hurts my self-esteem and self-confidence. Even my brother said that maybe he "needs" this D to be right again. I said,"Do you know how that makes me feel? That H can't be right unless he gets rid of me??" Ouch.

[job]

People do not understand what MLC is about, so, until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will continue to think differently and say move on. Unfortunately, it's not easy when the MLCer continues to pop in and out along the way. You may need to cease the conversations with your family and friends. I would suggest that you take one or two close friends under your wing and bounce things off of them. Family and friends mean well because they want to see you happy...take what they say w/a grain of salt.

Yes, the MLCer will watch you when he thinks you aren't aware of it. He still feels safe in texting you...this is good.

I'm glad you had an enjoyable time w/your daughters and I'm also glad they talked you into purchasing something for yourself. Sometimes we need a little bit of retail therapy to make us feel better.

As for what your brother said, he's spot on. Many of them need to go thru the divorce process (or think they do) to built on a new foundation. Even though the divorce is just a piece of paper, they need to cut all ties of responsibility and accountability w/us in order to move along the path. I do understand how you felt when your brother said that...but it's not about you at all...it's about him and what he needs to do to heal those childhood wounds and start growing up. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. Again, his crisis is all about HIM and there is absolutely nothing you did to start his crisis, nor can you rush him along. It's a marathon, not a sprint when it comes to the MLCer working through it. Their clocks are on a very, very slow time warp.

Continue to read about MLC and keep the focus on you and your daughters. Leave your h in the hands of the man above.

[Nel]

Job- your post made me sad saying that it looks like the divorce might go through because he needs it. Because everything has been split he has no accountability financially or otherwise to me right now. Will this be enough for him to move ahead through his crisis? I still tear up daily thinking about him and how he can give up what we had. I'm doing my best to detach but it's so much harder than last year because he did come back after I db'd him.

[Nel]

Where is my anger? I've had so many people ask me that. I've chosen to be loving and compassionate about what H is going through, but the anger has never come. Why? I don't know. And I don't have anyone any more to talk to either because, you're right, they're tired of seeing me get hurt and all want me just to move on from him. Most people who know me see me as a very strong, self-confident person, yet this man reduces me to a puddle of tears.

[ciluzen]

Oh, Nel. I popped over to your thread because you were so kind to post some support on mine. Have you read all of mine? Your story is like a longer version of it.

Where is my anger? I've had so many people ask me that. I've chosen to be loving and compassionate about what H is going through, but the anger has never come. Why? I don't know. And I don't have anyone any more to talk to either because, you're right, they're tired of seeing me get hurt and all want me just to move on from him. Most people who know me see me as a very strong, self-confident person, yet this man reduces me to a puddle of tears.

This is exactly how I feel. People really don't seem to understand. I've found myself defending H to people who believe that this is some form of abuse or that I am a masochist or martyr. I'm neither. I believe we are just women who take our vows seriously and that this falls under "for better or worse" and "in sickness and health".

We value our love for our Hs and honor it by fighting for it in any way that we can. Is it difficult? Painful? Lonely? Frustrating? Confusing? Yes to all. But what if? What if it is a trial by fire? What if we can weather it? What if we can have a new MR with our H? What if, no matter what, we grow and come out the other side stronger and better people? I guess we can call it a win. We win at life. Beats the alternative, right?

My H is fast forwarding to D despite us only being 6.5 months from BD. He didn't want to keep me in limbo (popular word around here).

I have tried to bring up R ( a DB no-no) because he doesn't, but like your H, he refuses to really explain himself unless I push. I have gotten some answers that way, but... He has very strong anger issues that he keeps very deep inside. Most people don't know this (only his brothers and parents and me) but it is there simmering below the surface. I can't help but think of the Hulk when he has said to me "I don't want to get angry..." through gritted teeth. That anger was showing through like a dog's warning growl when I pushed R talks and working on our M. So now I'm just not initiating contact and being as cheerful, patient, and validating as I can when H contacts me. Biting my tongue.