My story JB910

[Jb9140]

I'm feeling lower today then I've felt through this whole ordeal so far. Since my wife went emotionless towards me on November 20th For the first time I realize that I've been driving this situation towards a cliff mostly based on fear. I'm going to get real honest right now and tell you all some of the bone head moves I've made so far, please don't make the same mistakes. After the first couple of weeks that landed unfortunately on thanks giving, I was non stop asking what was wrong, and if she was going to leave me. Next I went out on a course of trying to fix all the things that my wife said I had failed at. Next came Christmas and she still wouldn't acknowledge the great things I had done, so once again I kept asking if she was going to divorce me and told her how it was going to ruin our kids. I continued trying to fix all my bad behaviors and on January 11th, made the biggest mistake of the crisis so far. after my wife refused to acknowledge she still love me I said something horrible in a fit of anger, "Well I think that maybe tomorrow I'm going to go down and file for divorce, and you better make sure and get a lawyer because I'm getting a mean one." She locked me out of our room and cried for over an Hour. This is a moment that I'll regret for the rest of my life. I believe that I've been so scared that my wife will leave me that I've actually tried to orchraste that so I could some what have control of the situation. I don't know if that make any since. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Jb9140]

Any advice on above

[broke]

Jb9140,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I did everything wrong starting on July 18th. Only in the last 3 weeks did I find the DR book and start db'ing. I am pretty sure it is too late for me because my H has filed for D, bought and new house and told our sons that he is proceeding with the D. I am still hopeful but facing that my db efforts are probably more about me becoming stronger to live on my own than fix my marriage.

Have you read the DR book and the posts on here? I feel like they are very helpful and you can completely change your behavior. My counselor said for months that I should stop trying to show my H that I love him with words but need to show him with consistent actions. I am by no means an expert because I made so many mistakes myself. But, if I had to do it over again, in your case, I would do a complete 180 and be less angry and try to be civil. I would detach and only interact when it was necessary for your daughter. I think you need to read Sandi's rules because it would help you tremendously. Good luck! I hope you can turn it around and you and your wife can find your way back to each other.

[Jb9140]

Sandi

I respect your advice immensely. From everything I've said. Please advise me on what to do for the best shot of saving my marriage. Current situation. Separated, WAW no affair, says she wants a divorce. won't file for at least 90 days from February 12th, verbal commitment. could file tomorrow if she wants to. I'm just so confused. I really want to stick to something consistence this 90 days. PLEASE HELP!!!

2 kids I take to school everyday and drop off in the evening. She says I can call anytime to talk to them.

[Jb9140]

Sandi??

[Thornton]

Hey Jb,

There's no quick fix to this, trust me, I've tried.

You need to focus on Sandi's 37 rules, that will stop the bleeding.

Give your W plenty of time and space.

Be the best father you can for your kids, your wife will notice.

Have no expectations on the outcome of your situation.

Pull back from your wife and let her feel your absence.

Be happy and chipper when you see her without overdoing it (Fake it if you have to).

Get in the gym and get in shape.

The point is, you can't convince your wife to come back. You have to attract her back. And she has to have that epiphany on her own without you trying to convince her.

[sandi2]

Sorry, I didn't see your shout out. I have to be gone a few hours, but I will get back with you. I started a new thread (Sandi Reflections). Although there may not be an A, why don't you read that thread and see if I've said anything that sounds like you and your W's dynamics withing the MR over the past years? Then I will contact you later today, okay?

[sandi2]

I understand what you are saying. Many times we say things out of a deep pain and fear that we regret later. Sometimes we say things, thinking we will bluff the other person, and it comes back to bite us. Most of us have probably been guilty of doing those type actions, to some degree.

I hope you will take what I am about to suggest in the right way b/c I don't know if this is an ongoing problem. If you have a tendency to say mean things when you get into a situation with your W, I recommend you talk to your IC and seek a way in learning how to "fight fairly", without going for a vital organ with your sharp words. I was once told that I could shed a person like a head of cabbage and never use a ugly word. So.....I get where you are coming from.

I may not be able to tell you what to do to get your W back, but I can probably tell you a lot of things that don't work. You have already figured out what you were doing was accomplishing nothing but putting you in an early grave.

This is not going to be something you want to hear, so brace yourself. In all honesty, I do not see her changing her mind right away. I think she has been planning this for some time. That's not to say she will never change her mind! The pattern most women make is to get out on their own (or at least away from the H), have time to experience some freedom, experience or see what they have lost......and miss what they've lost. That usually takes time. The more anyone pressures her to stay with you, the more she is going to resist it. You have to turn lose and let her learn for herself.

I realize this may be taking away your breath and you are hearing "throw in the towel", however, that is not what I'm saying, okay? You need to utilize this time of separation by doing several things. Get a grip on that fear of yours. I think you may benefit reading a book called, Co-dependent No More. Also, if you have not read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you can download it free on the Internet. Hold on to Your N.U.T.S. is another recommendation. These are not relation-type books, but they are for the individual man who may not realize how he is hurting himself, due to being too nice......co-dependent, or whatever.

Don't just read to be reading, but digest it as if your life depended on you learning how to change into a better, stronger, more attractive type of male. Then go to work on what you learn. Not just changing the outside, but mainly making improvements in your mindset. Getting a life is something most newcomers seem to want to neglect, but the survivors here on the board will tell you that getting a personal life that does not involve your spouse is vital to improving yourself as a person, in detaching, becoming more interesting, more well-rounded, build confidence and healthier self-esteem, and overall just a happier outlook. That can be a real challenge for a person in the kind of pain of you are experiencing. Every LBS on the board can identify with your pain, and they started GAL by making themselves do it, whether they wanted to or not.

Not the kind of advice you were wanting, huh? I know, and I wish I had the magic formula, and I am giving you as close to any magic as you will get in these type of situations. Back away from her and do not try to date her, phone her, find excuses to see her. The more you pursue, the faster she'll go in the opposite direction. Yes, she's angry......all WW's are angry. That is another reason you need to keep your distance, and let give her lots of time to cool off. I am talking a lot of time! You can still have your kids over, but you don't need to be going over there. Make sense?

Appearing happier, more relaxed and in control can go a long with a woman's feelings. As long as she sees you angry, uptight, afraid, threatening, crying, depressed, etc...........the more she will want to escape. However, if you are pleasant, not asking a lot of questions, or making any emotional demand on her......she may begin to relax, also.

Don't let her take advantage of you, b/c that works against her respecting you. One of the main things you will need to accomplish in order to have a successful MR, is to have her respect. A woman has to respect her H as a man, before she can feel love for him as her H. So, don't try to nice her back, or become a doormat.....thinking you ate making up for what you've done or said to her. Get your focus on the "respect" and don't worry about showing her how much you love her. This is not really about showing how much you love her. I know she gave you some excuses for her wanting out, but all women do it. They feel they owe the H some mind of excuse.......even if they have to make it up! It seldom has anything to do with the real issue at hand, however. So again, don't get too out of balance over what she said.

Even if she doesn't see that much out of you, she will hear about you. She'll know you are not sitting home pinning away for her, and that you ate going out and GAL. You see, most of the time, it's just the opposite of what men think, that really catches the interest of his woman. Men and women do not think alike. So, get you a calendar and start filling in the days with various things to do. Make the most of this time you have. When you have the kids, give them fun memories to keep with them. You can do it. Sure, you don't feel like it at the moment, but you have to make yourself do these things, if you want a chance at a better future, and hopefully, your W wanting to come back to you. After a little while, I hope you'll see how this is not just about getting her back again, but to make yourself happier.

I will come back with more, but I will end this post for tonight. Don't give up. These things take a lot of time.

[Thornton]

^^^ that is the gospel. Thank you Sandi.

[1313]

...I continued trying to fix all my bad behaviors and on January 11th, made the biggest mistake of the crisis so far. after my wife refused to acknowledge she still love me I said something horrible in a fit of anger, "Well I think that maybe tomorrow I'm going to go down and file for divorce, and you better make sure and get a lawyer because I'm getting a mean one."...

Yeah, I did something pretty close to that. For my "birthday present" my W said she'd do counseling. Only it turned out it was to tell me in a very expensive way there was no way things would work out - and she wasn't willing to try.

Unfortunately, the counselor stank - I wish I could take that back too.

So when she was finishing our last session with "we can still be friends, won't that be nice?" junk I said that there was no way I could stand to see her with somebody else, I wasn't going to play nice and let her have everything and I would get a lawyer and dissolve everything.

Although I wish I could take it back - as it turns out she'd already gotten a lawyer and filed the next day. She had absolutely no intention of getting a mediator and doing it all nice like. She was way ahead of me, but wanted to pretend she was taking some sort of high road.

She's such a twisted piece of work that for Christmas, knowing full well she was filing for divorce accepted a pearl necklace from my elderly Mother - a gift given to her as an engagement present. She full expects that it's hers to keep - and doesn't have the slightest remorse about her scruples.

Sandi2 is right here - I'm really not sure I'd want to crawl inside her head.

You have one huge advantage I don't. Kids and contact. Those 2 things alone give you some sort of fighting chance - and at the very least something to focus on and live for. I don't have kids - and at this point feel like a rudderless boat.