T0324, I appreciate your input and don't think you're being blunt at all. I've been reading through your story and thinking of how I can apply things to my sitch. Ya, I struggle with getting too distant bc H can literally go months and weeks without talking to me. It's hard not to talk about bills given our financial situation but when we do, I try to remain distant and peaceful. Sometimes he'll tell me something about work which I affirm and end the conversation. But I'm consistent now.
And now you just gave me another perspective on how H might perceive me asking about bills as nagging. Stuff is late, taxes are due, things are getting shut off and I need help but he's just so whatever about it all. He paid our phone bill this morning and I said thank you and he said, "no problem. Trying to help." And then asked me for access to our account. Part of me is like are you kidding me?! But the better judgement, peaceful part of me just says thank you and tries to leave the convo on a good note.
What I don't get is that he has had many months to feel the sting of his actions and doesn't seem phased or empty from any of it. And I've given him a lot of space bc yes, I've let go. I've been working on becoming the woman he fell in love with bc I loved that woman too. And I realize I'm a more mature version of that woman and working to get that in the forefront again.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I feel the same way, HopeRB. I have been GALing for 7 months. Although I was very angry about his affair so just recently (last 3 weeks) have done a 180 letting the rage subside. At first I made up ways to interact with him. Now, Like you, it's been months and we have very little interaction unless it's about our boys. I agree it seems like my H isn't phased or empty from any of it. I just hope for both of us if we show how much we've gone back to the woman they fell in love with on a consistent basis that they will see they made a mistake walking away. Keep posting - I'm pulling for you. Thanks for sharing your story.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I just hope for both of us if we show how much we've gone back to the woman they fell in love with on a consistent basis that they will see they made a mistake walking away
I know a lot of us want and wish and hope for reconciliation, and I don't want to be a downer, but I can't help thinking that "standing" in this way, not truly moving forward with our lives, is a form of emotional abuse. We take it from our WS, and then we dish it out to ourselves because we keep hoping they will "come to their senses". What if they didn't make a mistake? What if that is what they want?
I see some people waiting years and years still "hoping". When is it just avoiding reality? I think the point of the 180 is to get a life. Maybe in a few months YOU see you are better off without their cheating, lying ways. Or, you leave the door open, but your life is still just fine with them or without them. Yes, you can draw them back, and it may be the only way left to do it, but it is a small chance and you don't make it your goal or bet your life on it.
Another way to ask the question is, are we sacrificing our self respect by "going back to the person they fell in love with" in order to win someone back who may not be worthy of our love in the first place.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Thanks for checking in broke and Flight. To your point Flight, I have definitely come to terms with the reality that maybe he didnt make a mistake and this is what he wants. I've asked for grace to move through this situation either way, and I believe I've already received it. But isnt standing hoping and having faith in the best and prepping for the worst?
Is it so terrible to reach out for guidance and direction on all of this instead of just letting my M fall by the wayside like old garbage? H made decisions out of fear and emotion and yes, he may be attached to those decisions but why is it terrible to hope? Is that not what most of us are here seeking support for? For awhile, I did avoid reality, and now reality is beating me over the head and I absolutely hate it but all I can do is look out for myself at this point.
Some ppl say, "It isn't over until you give up," and others say, "This is the reality, get over it, move on, etc." I have been working on 180 and its very hard, even after 7 mos. We still have things together but no, I don't bet my life on it. All i can do is GAL and though it takes two to tango, I'm not giving up. I'm learning that I'm fine with or without him, but I also feel like he enhances me. I'm sitting here on our couch laughing about something we find hysterical and feeling just confused. I just want to run so far away from all of this. I just want to wake up from this one morning and have H pull me closer to him and make my heart warm.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
The point of GAL, distancing yourself and getting out of their way is to let them live their life but in the process you start to detach.
You have to detach for your own mental sanity. Maybe something will bring them back but they might not also. However, as time progresses and you move forward with your life the memories will hurt a little less and come up less frequently. The first few months were super hard for me but for about a month or so before H really tried to come back I got to the point FINALLY where I could do things and have fun without thinking oh we used to do this with H or I wish I could tell H about this. I was used to my new normal and was getting okay with it.
Keep plugging away. Again, he may not come back or he may want to give it a try but at least you will save your sanity and walk away a better person who is hopefully more self aware of things that you can improve in yourself. Because at the end of the day you can only control you.
Thanks, T0. I definitely make attempts to have fun and get a good laugh in. Getting used to my new normal and doing the things that make me happy. And you're so right, all I can control is myself so I've been working on things that I know I ned to fix in order to have a healthy relationship in the future, with our without H. How do I 180/DB without giving up on my M? I want to rebuild.
As I mentioned, he refuses to see me, talk to me unless he absolutely has to. I don't initiate convos with him unless i have to but then DB coach says to not go too dark so I'm confused at this point. Obviously, my goal is to 180 but the more time that passes, the more I feel he just doesn't care about me.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Your story sounds so similar to mine. My H limits any interaction between us as well and I sense that he is moving to a new normal without me the more time we are separated. There are days I have hope and there are days I pray to have no hope and just get on with my life and not "stand still". Flight and TO324 had such great insight. I need to remember that I am moving to a "new normal" that may or may not include my H. All of us here have to remember that db'ing makes us stronger for ourselves and gives us some hope that our spouses will notice that they hate to be without us. However, if that doesn't happen we will still have GAL and become the best person we can be with or without them. I hope you aren't feeling as sad as when you posted earlier! Thinking of you and everyone db'ing today....
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I agree with you broke. Just got back from a nice run and workout at the gym. I did a good job of 180/GALing today, and come to think of it, actually a very productive day today.
Thornton, I know its tough. What have you been up to today?
You know what I always think about? How H and I don't have any kids and how I really want children with him. And how I want to be a mom at some point soon and how I don't know when that's going to happen at this point b/c of all of this.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
