Hi TD! I went to read your stuff, looks like you haven't posted in awhile, hopefully that's a good thing. Did you resolve things w/ your dog? Giving up the cat H and I had was a big thing for me in our D. Ultimately I decided the cat liked H better, so it made sense for her to stay with him... and I adopted my own cat. And then in December I got a second cat (which, I am sort of regretting now because they have been challenging together. XBF loves cats and at the time he was having so much fun entertaining my first cat I apparently thought it would be good to have another one and I started seeing us as a family...poor foresight on my part).
That's why it's good to come here, to have some outside perspective I mean, there are things I think I could have done differently that I'm beating myself up for right now. Like, maybe we should have had some of these intense conversations on the phone or in person instead of via texting, maybe I could have questioned him less and kept working on GAL and having my own life so that I didn't really care what he was up to. I'm getting feedback from other sources that I was expecting too much for him to elaborate on being "busy" at the six month mark and that if we couldn't see each other for a whole week, so be it, people have their own lives, and that I was being "too inquisitive" for someone who needed to ease into a relationship. Which is sort of tearing me up because it gets me stuck on this "if only I hadn't done X.." even though I know that one action or question shouldn't have been enough to ruin a good relationship.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Oh, it's examples you want? WW and I would routinely write each other some 50 emails a day, during a work day. We'd keep each other appraised of what was going on, we'd continue conversations from previous days, we'd have arguments, we would plan the evening, talk about the kids and whatnot. With this girl I've been seeing for a month, we say good morning, we send pictures of our day, talk about work, joke and flirt, make plans, say how we miss each other, then goodnight. Of course it's weird that XBF wouldn't reply to "good night"! We've sung it in every way: stop wondering what's wrong with you, you just dodged a bullet.
Some tough love: of course you were too inquisitive and demanding... for him! But who cares about him? There are tons of people out there who want to communicate like you do. Asking what he means by "busy" after six months is the least you can do. Come on! I bet you know that. Stop marching to the drum of other people, especially those who don't want to be with you. Find you own drum, then go find someone with the same beat. No more deadbeats!
Don't make duration the focus of your relationships, especially not this early. Think of whether you two are a good match. Ask yourself if he makes you happy and feel good. Look for the signs that he also wants you. I'm not sure it's insightful, but I seem to notice that I can find people with the same "common sense" (which is less common than we assume) than me. Things just fall into place and I don't spend as much time explaining myself or trying to understand a tortuous (to me) reasoning. I'm not sure we can feel it right away, but sometimes in 5 seconds I know I don't fit with a girl. With New Girl, I left the first date thinking "OMG, this is the perfect match" and things are falling into place ever since.
We won't convince you with a few posts, and therapy will help, but I think you're starting to get the sense of where you're going.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
OK, I think I have some rational, realistic thoughts to remember during my emotional times:
Yes, I could have done some things differently. Rather than texting pointed questions, I should have waited to talk about them on the phone or in person, so that I could calmly discuss them using "I" statements - "I feel disconnected from you when you don't fill me in on your day or ask my about mine. I feel like a low priority when I don't hear back from you regularly." etc. instead of "You mentioned living together but then said you wanted to move slowly - that's confusing." I did try to communicate my needs but I could have done so in a less threatening way (although to my credit.. this is pretty good for an average person, I would say. I'm talking about using my counseling-level skills on people who don't even know what those are).
That said, I did communicate when I wanted something, but I relied on words instead of actions in believing him when he said things would change. The actions did not back them up. Rather than continuing to push for more, I should have paused, stepped back, waited to see if he stepped up, and then when he didn't, ended it there, rather than holding on to the potential I believed could existed. Unlike in my M I gave this guy lots of space to do his own stuff and I maintained my own friends, hobbies, etc. Even with what little I was asking (it didn't really bother me that we only saw each other twice a week, but I wish both times we'd have some "alone" time instead of meeting up for dinner then going our separate ways) I was still getting crumbs.
When it comes down to it, he reacted very strongly to some very basic texts from me (like me saying "I'm confused - you said you wanted to only hang out once during the week, but then you asked me about additional nights - do you want to hang out more now?") and basically told me his work was important, that's what he wanted to do in his free time (like on nights and weekends), and that I made him feel guilty for how he spent his time. And despite my willingness to talk to him about it he chose to avoid the conflict and leave. It is not my imagination that he frequently gave me mixed messages, and he grew more distant. Probably didn't help that the first two months we were dating he had no job, so he had LOTS of free time. Then he didn't.
Things I value in a relationship: openness, honesty, sharing both the little things and the big things (so whether it's how your day was, or big stuff that's bothering you so that we can talk about it), staying in touch, having our lives become more interdependent without being DEpendent. Willingness to work through problems and use resources when necessary. Feeling like I'm a priority to someone when I am making them a priority. Work-life balance. Balance between partner time and hobby-time (my XH was way more on the hobby end of things than partner time).
All things I wrote with my counselor 2 years ago that I thought I had kept in mind, but I guess it takes some time for the "honeymoon" to wear off and really see what people are about.
Do I still feel crappy for letting him into my life, having him meet my family, exchanging Christmas presents with him, spending my birthday with him? Yeah, I do but I hope time will help resolve that.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Rather than texting pointed questions, I should have waited to talk about them on the phone or in person, so that I could calmly discuss them using "I" statements - "I feel disconnected from you when you don't fill me in on your day or ask my about mine. I feel like a low priority when I don't hear back from you regularly." etc. instead of "You mentioned living together but then said you wanted to move slowly - that's confusing." I did try to communicate my needs but I could have done so in a less threatening way (although to my credit.. this is pretty good for an average person, I would say. I'm talking about using my counseling-level skills on people who don't even know what those are).
No!!!
If you see he's treating you that way... Back away. Back further away. If he doesn't come chasing after you, HE's NOT THE ONE. You are worth too much to have to ask him to treat you like a priorityy!!
But you should STILL give any future him lots of space because that's YOU getting YOUR space and maintaining your life, which is a priority! The right guy will fit into your life, and you will fit into his. It may take a little effort, but it won't feel like effort because you will want to share with each other. Just like you said. But it plays out differently than how it feels when we write it in a list, doesn't it?
Don't feel badly about having spent Christmas, etc. with him. He was a learning experience. It's not a race to get paired up. He got you out there and has given you the gift of further clarity on what you want and how to identify it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks, Maybell. I am really having trouble getting out of my own head on this one. One of my office mates asked me how my weekend was and I just burst out crying instead of answering. Sigh. I maybe made a mistake and in trying to analyze/fix/whatever, went and posted in a different relationship-related online forum asking if this guy was just not that into me/not available, or if I was being needy. The vast majority of responses I got back were things like: -too much pressure -checking in daily is way too much for that early in a relationship -you're not living together, why do you feel like you need to know his whereabouts when you're not together? that's suffocating -sounds like you were holding this guy accountable to you like a parent, that would drive me nuts -sometimes we want to give other people or alone time with ourselves a priority and not be questioned about it - if you can't handle a boyfriend prioritizing you sometimes and not others, you need to work on that or you'll keep pushing healthy people away.
Jeebus. Then I go to a place of "well if I didn't know I was being smothering and crazy at the time... and actually thought I was doing a pretty good job of being autonomous and not dependent on someone... how will I ever know??" and it feels insurmountable. But also these people on this forum could be like 19 year old single people who have never been in a relationship. You all here are I would like to think more mature having been down the LTR road and actually want to fix relationships so I would hope have a better idea Still stings like crazy though. It's like I can't move on and try and find the positive in things because I want to punish myself until I "get it." And what does it say about me that I keep wanting to rely on other's opinions to tell me what happened here?
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
When I first met New Guy I lost myself inside my own head for a while. Everyone who knew me IRL told me to quit overthinking everything and to have more patience. Once I stopped panicking about having met a guy I liked and started backing off, things transformed. It was like I'd made room for him. Now we know more of what's going on in each other's lives and we can respond to each other more meaningfully. He only just recently started checking in every day (we've been seeing one another almost three months) but when he does, it's always sharing something. We don't text good night usually just to say good night, but it's typically part of an ongoing conversation.
I still have a hard time believing he thinks I bring something of value to the table, but I'm working on it and he is emotionally mature enough to handle it. But I didn't identify that well on my own. I had to share his ideas with my friends and hear them comment that way. I've never been in a relationship in which we were both trying to be healthy. It feels very different. And I appreciate how he's helping me grow.
I don't think it's unhealthy to ask for help, but be sure you choose your wingmen wisely. I think you're stuck in your own head and it's going to take a big effort to pull yourself out. And I think you should keep an eye out for the people who help you become a calmer, more relaxed person. You should not feel so unworthy. You're not!!
may I suggest a calming practice? Lost all the things you're grateful for, each day. At the end of the list, add "I'm grateful for the time I spent with XBF. He was a good reminder to me to trust my gut. I'm grateful for that reminder and I will put it into practice as I move forward in my WONDERFUL life."
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Mozza and Maybell make some excellent points. You seem to be thinking in absolutes and life is rather fluid.
Perhaps try thinking of things this way...It's perfectly fine to think about the future. However, you can't control it and all you can really be in is the now. The past is over, and while you can reflect on it and learn from the experience, it is in the past.
I know it can be difficult to not get too far ahead of yourself. Just try to stay in the now. I understand you miss x-bf. It's easy to get caught up in the attention from another person-especially when you have been so hurt. I am big believer that people find love at all ages and there are lots of people for everyone. However, everyone you date, talk to, or go out with, doesn't necessarily have to turn into a LTR or marriage. It can still be a valuable and worthy R though.
Hugs to you.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
My rational friends IRL who have been in long term relationships all keep telling me my expectations and needs were not unrealistic, and that people who care and are invested don't jump ship when you bring those things up. I need to keep working on believing them. It's hard though. I think having low self-esteem (whether already there or exacerbated by this whole thing) leads me to have this blame absorbing mentality - he wasn't interested enough = it's my fault = i'm not good enough. But there's probably a reason I was crying every night the whole week leading up to the breakup, and talking to my friends about how I wasn't sure how this was going to go, and how I felt like I didn't know which end was up - my gut was talking. At least I hope it was that and not making self-fulfilling prophecies out of past insecurities. I can say pretty confidentially that I was not asking him questions because I didn't trust him or thought he was doing things to hurt me - I was just being conversational and wanted to know about his day/week/things he was looking forward to!
Maybell, I appreciate what you said about still being a work in progress but that your guy was emotionally mature enough to handle it and support it. If we waited to date until we were 100% that could be.. indefinitely. I think we're all works in progress. I hope I can find someone that will be supportive and understanding when an insecurity pops up, instead of saying they understand and then not follow through.
I think I am doing better at picking up on things that are important to me vs. things to watch for, without being swayed by other stuff (or thinking "oh, that's someone I could fix! or that won't leave me!") I was poking around on a dating site and saw "I love living life without an instruction book!" in someone's profile. Sounds fun in theory but nope, I know that 's going to end up being bad news for someone like me. On the other hand, someone that writes, or even says, something like "I'm looking for a good communicator and someone to share a lot of my life with" - is more in line with my values, even if we don't have some of the same interests or hobbies.
Things I am grateful for today -an email I got about a chartered flight/hotel deal to Biloxi, MS, where apparently there are a good deal of casinos (which led me to start thinking about vacations!) -my friends who have been listening to me analyze this endless and are constantly reassuring me that I didn't "make" this relationship end and it's not about me being crazy or needy -the white chocolate mocha I had this morning (we have to start somewhere..) -my two kitties -the caramel pumpkin swirl candle I have lit right now -A v-day card I got in the mail from my mom with $20. While I know I can't rely on her support right now, the card is still appreciated. -I have a nice apartment that thankfully I didn't give up for the next lease term (after spending a lot of time on craigslist searching for possible apts for me and XBF after he brought up living together) -I really like my job and have great colleagues and students. They're awesome and my university is awesome despite our current political situation
Can I just say that just because people are family, doesn't mean you can rely on them... one of my sisters (age 27) texted me to ask how I was doing today. I said "still really sad, this [censored]." Her response: "Now you know how I feel when you and XH got married and I was left out of everything.."? What? Me: "But you had (her husband) that whole time? He was there" Sister: "yeah but we had a lot of troubles with living apart and him not wanting to move to an apartment with me"
I'm not sure where this is coming from but I have enough care for myself that I'm not going to get involved in this drama/revisiting past wrongs/whatever when I'm having a difficult enough time as it is. Sigh.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I thought I had really turned a corner this morning! I woke up and for the first time was not paralyzed by remembering the breakup/unable to get out of bed. I was headed to brunch and so I tried to see if I could even bring those thoughts to mind to head them off before I left, but my brain didn't even want to go there. So far so good.. until I got home from brunch and instead of doing chores like I intended with my few free hours this afternoon I spent it all on the couch sobbing and looking up break-up articles on the internet.
GALing is OK and I can make myself go and do things so I guess it can't be that bad (if I was seriously depressed I'd just be home all day every day, right?) but everything I do has an undercurrent about XBF. I went to see a movie with a friend on Thursday and thoughts kept coming about how I had never even gotten the chance to go to a movie with XBF. Went to an event yesterday with my sister and again, thought about how I was originally going to ask him to go to that event with me, and throughout it thought about how he wasn't there to share it with me. We have family game night tonight - XBF came to the last one and I'm already dwelling on how he won't be there and I miss him so d*mn much. It seems like I'm done with the beating myself up part of this/wondering if I was too clingy/needy, and now have just moved into a serious missing him stage since I don't have myself to focus on.
My friends think I should go on some dates to see what's out there and show myself there is hope. I think if I'm still hung up on XBF I shouldn't be dating, but without a timeline in sight it does seem a little hopeless (like pre-D, I told myself to wait until D was final and I had an endpoint in mind).
It's like I'm tired of feeling miserable and feeling unproductive but I don't have enough energy to do anything about it, and when I do make the effort to go hang out with friends or do something, I just end up feeling sad the whole time (guilty, even?) and then come home and cry even more. I've read all of the things you're supposed to do to get out of this funk (GAL, take care of yourself, exercise, eat well, stop yourself from thinking about the person when they start to come into your thoughts, "love yourself", blah blah) but it all seems sort of pointless. Two big rejections in a row is really hard on the heart and hope for the future.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I thought I would venture over here from Newcomers.
I don't think you really healed from your D. I think all this pain you are feeling is residual. Your BF was a Band-Aid for you and it took away your loneliness etc. Now he's gone and you are mourning 2 relationships IMO.
I was advise against dating. Give yourself the time to heal. I rebounded once a long time ago and the R didn't last. I was devastated. My IC said I didn't heal from my first break up.
I mean, there are things I think I could have done differently that I'm beating myself up for right now. Like, maybe we should have had some of these intense conversations on the phone or in person instead of via texting, maybe I could have questioned him less and kept working on GAL and having my own life so that I didn't really care what he was up to. I'm getting feedback from other sources that I was expecting too much for him to elaborate on being "busy" at the six month mark and that if we couldn't see each other for a whole week, so be it, people have their own lives, and that I was being "too inquisitive" for someone who needed to ease into a relationship. Which is sort of tearing me up because it gets me stuck on this "if only I hadn't done X.." even though I know that one action or question shouldn't have been enough to ruin a good relationship.
