Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are an amazing DB friend. Supportive, insightful, kind and oh so much fun. I think we would have fun together IRL. You got me through the holidays this year...really. Just letting you know how much I appreciate you...my favorite Kiwi.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you for all your kind posts. They are very affirming and I feel the love and support from each and every one of you.
I am mulling over a decision about having further weight loss surgery vs having plastic surgery. I have been trying to figure out the pros and cons and motivations for doing one and not the other.
With the return to working out regularly, my appetite is out of control and so is my eating and have gained weight. Which is devastating. It leaves me feeling so hopeless seeing the scales going up and up. I know that further weight loss surgery is going to likely involve a pretty invasive surgery which has no guarantee of any further weight loss and it means incurring financial debt to make it happen. But I can't see any other way around this problem.
I go back and forward on this. Trying to get my head around the why and wherefore's. What is that I hoping to achieve? I have gotten to the point where I am not sure that the outcome matters in more, the desire to have control over my own body, seems more appealing than anything else. The ability to boss it back into submission to do what it's told. To finally feel like I am winning over this body that has betrayed me for a lifetime.
It probably seems strange to most that I should be writing about this on a site which is about saving your marriage. But it isn't so strange if you live in my head. I'll be entirely transparent and honest, I know that I don't see myself being with in a relationship with Mr JellyB , until I have lost this weight. I don't want to take this baggage into the next relationship, but also there is a part of my that feels that a quality man would not be attracted to me as I am now. I know, I can hear the sighs and moans at the statement. I here them in my own head. I am frustrated and angry with myself that I feel this way. It is not the belief system of an enlightened soul, of self accepting soul.
But I also know that there are people here who will understand. The people here who were grateful for the weight loss that came from BD, the people who are losing weight and exercising as a 180, the people who know the relationship between abuse/trauma and weight.
I hate this demon and the interplay this has to myself sense of self as person, as woman, as a partner in a relationship with the man I love. I want it gone and I guess my very simplistic view is cut it out and off. (oh dear it sounds so barbaric when I say it like that).
Jelly, I think you are perfect exactly the way you are. I have no advice on the weight loss surgery because I have no experience with it. However, I do know that you do not have to be thin to be loved. You have helped me more than you could ever know. I do not have the words to express what I am trying to say, I am not as eloquent as some of the others on this board, but I do want to say that I really hope you put your health first and do not agree to any procedures that are not truly in your best interest.
I understand what your saying and I've felt the same at times. Weight is one of those things that can feel like a barrier to overcome to fix our other problems. I know everyone says we can be any size and be happy and that we should be happy. I'm not sure I can offer any advice as what to do, I want my weight off also but there are days where I accept it where its at also.
Just know you are a beautiful, gorgeous woman and have so much more going on for you that weight should not be important. The know the whole "beautiful on the inside" only goes so far to our self-esteem and doesn't feel like its as important as whats on the outside but know it is MORE important than the outside. Sure, it would be nice to have both that way but even if they were it wouldn't be a solution to our other problems.
Sorry I don't have anything better to say, just wanted you to know I do care and understand those feelings also.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Jelly, you really are gorgeous inside and out. You talked me through a very difficult time when I was facing my ex's spew. You reached out to the scared little girl that the ex had reduced me to.
It takes an angel to do that. An angels are beautiful. You are beautiful.
Be strong, safe and healthy.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thank you Fo and Glr. You know how much I love both of you. Our connection has allowed me an experience of friendship that I don't think I have ever really had.
The geographical distance between us seems completely absent to me at times. I feel like you are just around the corner and I could stop by for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine at any time and your faces and homes, and children, would be as familiar to me as my own family and friends I have here in NZ.
There is something so powerfully healing in the friendship that many us find it here. It is a blessing to have my small world opened up and see our commonalities and also our differences. Acceptance and love is like glitter glue to a broken heart. You still see all the cracks, but boy oh boy does it sparkle.
I get it, it is about mental health and physical health as well as looks.
Weight is one of the toughest issues to face, if the excess is arising as a result of exercise then there is resistance somewhere.
I suggest exploring physiology first. If you need volume and satiety then there are solutions. My first eye popping insight came from the BBC Horizon programmes (free on line) in 3 parts What is the right diet for you. You have nothing to lose and it's about eating regimes not diets.
Have you thought of hypno band? My latest try out! I will let you know.
Have you been tested for the hormone deficiency.
Can I recommend a book?
It's out of print and called in the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. The core of the book is that Rs that end are just those in the meantime and part of the pathway to becoming whole. Each R teaches us a new lesson (or the old one recycled!) until we are whole. I found the book very inspiring and comforting. It was on a friends shelf and was lent to me, I bought it on Amazon for myself.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I don't like the endorsement of serial relationships.
If someone ends the relationship, obviously we have to keep going. But I think relationships should teach us how to find happiness and make a partnership work, not how to pack it in and look for greener grass.
But that's not the world I live in, I'm working on accepting that. I touch acceptance at times. I'll get there.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
