If you're making conclusions beyond today then you're looking too far ahead. I know you're in pain and want it over, but now is not a wise time to start reacting to pain. Slow down. The urge to figure it all out or convince yourself you have it figured out isn't helping. Just admit that you're lost and hurt, deal with it, and then get through your days with character. That's your job. Stray from that path and you'll cause more damage.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
If you're making conclusions beyond today then you're looking too far ahead. I know you're in pain and want it over, but now is not a wise time to start reacting to pain. Slow down. The urge to figure it all out or convince yourself you have it figured out isn't helping. Just admit that you're lost and hurt, deal with it, and then get through your days with character. That's your job. Stray from that path and you'll cause more damage.
I'm sorry but do not get what your saying, I'm lost and hurt. My wife is currently at her mom's with the kids "kids wanted to spend time with grandma". I just don't know what to do, she wants to be friends only and still live in the house living her EA. I really want our marriage to work but can not keep hurting and what seems to be a lie, perhaps things would had gotten better but having a wife that has hide a 2yr AE very well it's hard to know what is real and what it's not. The counselor ask her if she was just using me right now until she could get out and her reply "Yes", I'm also thinking that she might be saying that just to hurt me. Her mom has even told me today I can't believe how you can put up with her.
Just called grandma to find out how kids are and wife call back letting the kids talk to me. I was at her mom's today because after or council we came home and after a few yelling match from both of us she left and my work computer was in the van, I new she was going to go to her mom because our youngest was ther. She hadn't arrive yet and her mom invited me in, she got mad because her mom was harsh on her and me too. She left to pick up kids from school (I stayed to talk to her mom) when she came back she didn't speak or look at me. Now she is all friendly, I continue to be confused (hurt, anger, lonely, depressed)
From my observations of other cases, the WW does not want her H getting cozy with her family. Even if her mother is giving her a hard time or not showing partiality, it is still her family.
Not sure what part you were referring about causing you confusion, but I will assume it is her unpredictable behavior. One hour she's mad and the next hour she's friendly. If a woman has another man, even a man that lives on the other side of the world, her EA often dictates her emotions. When she's angry, then leaves and comes back in a good mood, it could have something to do with her contacting the OM.
At any rate, it is best for you not to measure your MR or anything else upon her very flexible mood swings. Her thought process would probably blow you away.
An EA for a woman is very serious, and her H should not take it lightly, nor believe it is less a threat just b/c the OM does not live close by. An EA feeds her fantasy, and her fantasy feeds the EA.
It will be extremely difficult to live under the same roof with her, while she is active in an EA. in spite of her saying you can be friends, she will have no respect for you as a man or as her H. That lack of respect will continue to grow until it consumes everything in the house.
If you decide to stay together in the same house, I think you will need to lay down boundaries to protect yourself from her disrespectful behavior. And btw, attending MC at this time is not beneficial b/c she doesn't want to work on the M. All she wants is for you to continue to support her while she is free to do whatever she wants. I would put the MC on hold until your W is ready to do the necessary work to save it.
You have talked about how difficult it will be for you taking care of the kids and scheduling around your job. Have the two of you discussed how the time with the children would be divided between you? Have you discussed finances or anything besides where you would live?
I think you would be wise to immediately take action in protecting your finances. I think you need to have a legal consultation to see where you stand, your rights as a father, and if you would have to pay her anything, etc. knowledge is power, so find out all that you can.
In doing these things, it doesn't mean you have given up wanting to save the marriage. It just means you are being smart by being prepared. You cannot trust your W while she is wayward. You cannot interact with her as though she was still the same person that you M. Until she ends her EA and gets out of this fantasy fog, and starts showing respect for you, there is a limitation on what you can do for the MR. However, in time and with her having to face the reality of her own decisions, the M could still be saved. I think you will need to use the LRT, GAL, and build your life around you and the kids......rather than trying to play family with her. As long as she can still play family from time to time, she will not be motivated to make a change.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have discussed finances and where each of use would live, I would stay at our house with the kids and she would move out. As I was reading the DR the chapter about MLC although it's mean towards a man it completely describes my wife (41yr) so I think I have two challenges MLC and EA. I didn't want to bring lawyers into the picture but I guess I will have to, being in a common law state also makes it hard.
Just got a call from wife, she wants to go out on a date maybe look for the restaurant we went to on our first date over 15yr ago. I'm crying not knowing if she is toying with with or what the motives are. God I need help, I don't know how to process all this.
I am in a similar sitch but no confirmed PA/EA although I think I am just fooling myself. And in the same house with a divorce on the way...
Don't look for little signs of life in the M as right now its just a smoke screen. I hate to dash your hopes as I was in the same boat and would be like "wow..she said something nice " and then I would be hoping for the reconciliation talk that never was gong to happen
Some of the folks here who have had positive results with the approach in your sitch have good advice
I don't recommend it across the board for everyone's situation becasue everyone's W or H is so different and so is the situation, but its good to listen to those who walked in your shoes.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I am in a similar sitch but no confirmed PA/EA although I think I am just fooling myself. And in the same house with a divorce on the way...
Don't look for little signs of life in the M as right now its just a smoke screen. I hate to dash your hopes as I was in the same boat and would be like "wow..she said something nice " and then I would be hoping for the reconciliation talk that never was gong to happen
Some of the folks here who have had positive results with the approach in your sitch have good advice
I don't recommend it across the board for everyone's situation becasue everyone's W or H is so different and so is the situation, but its good to listen to those who walked in your shoes.
Thank you for your words, I know what you mean about everyone is different and listen to those who walked in your shoes.
I just moved her clothes from our closet to the guest room. Am I reacting on emotions and going to far?
I just came back from having dinner with her, she apologized for her behavior yesterday, we continued to talk and I ask her what is this about. "I want to keep our peace" to which I reply so are you going to give up your EA? She replied can we still friends, I said No. Therefore she will not give EA, we eat "well she did I couldn't eat", we continued to talk in the car I told her to give us 3 months like the Therapy said with no contact with OM, she got angry and said I'm trying to control her, I remained calm. I drove her back to her mom we talk in the driveway and I told her we can not continue to live together and act as a family "doing things as a family" while she still has EA. I told her she can not have her cake and eat it too. "In her mind she tough I would be okay with her having an AE that feeds her brain and have us be a family". She is afraid that if she leaves OM and I revert to my old behaviors she will have nothing. I admitted that I screw up by not giving her more affirmation of how much she means and love her, I'm working on my behavior to improve my self, not for her but for me because I have a better understanding of my faults. She doesn't want to work things out, therefore she will continue to live with us until the kids get out of school but we are not doing anything as a family. She cry and Hugh me, I went in to her mom's house to say good night to the kids since they are spending the night. She walked me out to my car huh me very tightly and cried and said she was sorry. I told her that over 15yrs ago I had meet her in the same driveway and that was the most happiest moments of my life, that she had been the most wonderful person "she reply crying now I''m not", I said no you are still but you are lost and need to find yourself "she said but I'm hurting everyone". My last words were "I love you so much but I have to let you go so you can find what your looking for"
Will see how things will be for the next 4 months, I will focus on figuring out what it's next for the kids and me. I will take them to my moms every weekend so they start to detach a bit from their mom and hopefully it will be less painful when the time comes when their mom to walk out the door. I hope this lost will bring her senses back but will not be holding my breath either, I'm done getting hurt. I fought to keep my kids from getting hurt with a divorce but can not continue to be enabling my wife.
