Basically yesterday while watching TV, she asked me not to talk about the affair too much. I said fine as you are cutting contact. She said it wont solve our problem. Yes but a start I said. Said the same in session. How should I behave
Let her prove that she is cutting the contact. And past that - she wants to be married to you.
This will be by actions not words.
She has has issues, why are those YOUR fault?
Her issues are her alone.
When you make 180's they are for YOU, not to win her back.
She believes that even if she cuts contact that she would not feel she is connected to me. She is acting very strange. I even told at the session that to move forward she needs to stop contact. She said there were more underlying problems. I am not denying that but cutting contact is the start.
I am unhappy but not depressed on how I used to. Only thing I can do is to be mindful and live the moment. I also act as if my problems are gone so that I get the feeling.
What kind of goals? Get-A-Life goals?
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
If you have been depressed in the past then that could color everything else that happens in your marriage.
So there are steps that you can take to get rid of depression and stress.
Most LBS's fall in this category but few DO anything to try to fix themselves.
A quick google came up with some things. Any of this sound familiar?
Quote:
Depression drains your energy, hope, and drive, making it difficult to do what you need to feel better. But while overcoming depression isn’t quick or easy, it’s far from impossible. You can’t just will yourself to “snap out of it,” but you do have some control—even if your depression is severe and stubbornly persistent. The key is to start small and build from there. Feeling better takes time, but you can get there if you make positive choices for yourself each day.
The road to depression recovery
Recovering from depression requires action, but taking action when you’re depressed is hard. In fact, just thinking about the things you should do to feel better, like going for a walk or spending time with friends, can be exhausting.
It’s the Catch-22 of depression recovery: The things that help the most are the things that are the most difficult to do. There’s a difference, however, between something that's difficult and something that's impossible.
Start small and stay focused
The key to depression recovery is to start with a few small goals and slowly build from there. Draw upon whatever resources you have. You may not have much energy, but you probably have enough to take a short walk around the block or pick up the phone to call a loved one.
Take things one day at a time and reward yourself for each accomplishment. The steps may seem small, but they’ll quickly add up. And for all the energy you put into your depression recovery, you’ll get back much more in return.
Quote:
Depression self-help tip 1: Cultivate supportive relationships
Getting the support you need plays a big role in lifting the fog of depression and keeping it away. On your own, it can be difficult to maintain perspective and sustain the effort required to beat depression, but the very nature of depression makes it difficult to reach out for help. While isolation and loneliness can trigger or worsen depression, maintaining emotionally close relationships can be instrumental in overcoming it.
The thought of reaching out to even close family members and friends can seem overwhelming. You may feel ashamed, too exhausted to talk, or guilty for neglecting the relationship. Remind yourself that this is the depression talking. Reaching out is not a sign of weakness and it won’t mean you’re a burden to others. Your loved ones care about you and want to help. And remember, it’s never too late to build new friendships and improve your support network.
Turn to friends and family members who make you feel loved and cared for. Spend time talking and listening face-to-face with trusted people and share what you’re going through. The people you talk to don’t have to be able to fix you; they just need to be good listeners. Ask for the help and support you need. You may have retreated from your most treasured relationships, but emotional connection can get you through this tough time. Try to keep up with social activities even if you don’t feel like it. Often when you’re depressed, it feels more comfortable to retreat into your shell, but being around other people will make you feel less depressed. Join a support group for depression. Being with others dealing with depression can go a long way in reducing your sense of isolation. You can also encourage each other, give and receive advice on how to cope, and share your experiences. 10 tips for reaching out and building relationships Talk to one person about your feelings Help someone else by volunteering Have lunch or coffee with a friend Ask a loved one to check in with you regularly Accompany someone to the movies, a concert, or a small get-together Call or email an old friend Go for a walk with a workout buddy Schedule a weekly dinner date Meet new people by taking a class or joining a club Confide in a clergy member, teacher, or sports coach Depression self-help tip 2: Get moving
When you’re depressed, just getting out of bed can seem like a daunting task, let alone exercising. But exercise is a powerful tool for dealing with depression. In fact, major studies show that regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressant medication at increasing energy levels and decreasing feelings of fatigue.
Evidence suggests that physical activity triggers new cell growth in the brain, increases mood-enhancing neurotransmitters and endorphins, reduces stress, and relieves muscle tension—all things that can have a positive effect on depression.
While the most benefits come from exercising 30 minutes or more per day, you can start small. Short, 10-minute bursts of activity can have a positive effect on your mood. You don’t need to train at the gym, sweat buckets, or run mile after mile, either. Even very small activities that get your arms and legs moving can add up over the course of a day. Try incorporating walking, running, swimming, dancing or another rhythmic exercise—that requires moving both your arms and legs—into your daily routine. The key is to pick an activity you enjoy, so you’re more likely to stick with it. Even very small activities can add up over the course of a day. Here are a few easy ways to get moving:
Put on some music and dance around Take your dog for a walk Use the stairs rather than an elevator Park your car in the farthest spot in the lot Pair up with an exercise partner Exercise as an antidepressant The following exercise tips offer a powerful prescription for boosting mood:
Exercise now… and again. A 10-minute walk can improve your mood for two hours. The key to sustaining mood benefits is to exercise regularly. Choose activities that are moderately intense. Aerobic exercise undoubtedly has mental health benefits, but you don't need to sweat strenuously to see results. Find exercises that are continuous and rhythmic (rather than intermittent).Walking, swimming, dancing, yoga, and cycling or stationery biking are good choices. Add a mind-body element. Activities such as yoga and tai chi rest your mind and increase your energy. You can also add a meditative element to walking or swimming by repeating a mantra (a word or phrase) as you move. Start slowly, and don't overdo it. More isn't better. Athletes who over train find their moods drop rather than lift.
Depression self-help tip 3: Challenge negative thinking
Depression puts a negative spin on everything, including the way you see yourself, the situations you encounter, and your expectations for the future.
But you can’t break out of this pessimistic mind frame by “just thinking positive.” Happy thoughts or wishful thinking won’t cut it. Rather, the trick is to replace negative thoughts with more balanced thoughts.
Ways to challenge negative thinking:
Think outside yourself. Ask yourself if you’d say what you’re thinking about yourself to someone else. If not, stop being so hard on yourself. Think about less harsh statements that offer more realistic descriptions. Allow yourself to be less than perfect. Many depressed people are perfectionists, holding themselves to impossibly high standards and then beating themselves up when they fail to meet them. Battle this source of self-imposed stress by challenging your negative ways of thinking Socialize with positive people. Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space. Then consider how you would react in the same situation. Even if you have to pretend, try to adopt their optimism and persistence in the face of difficulty. Keep a "negative thought log." Whenever you experience a negative thought, jot down the thought and what triggered it in a notebook. Review your log when you’re in a good mood. Consider if the negativity was truly warranted. Ask yourself if there’s another way to view the situation. For example, let’s say your boyfriend was short with you and you automatically assumed that the relationship was in trouble. It's possible, though, he’s just having a bad day.
I don't want to hijack your thread WillDO, but I just want to say this:
Thank you for posting this information about depression, Cadet. I think it's good for everyone, but particularly for those of us left behind. I don't think that I had depression before the BD, but I certainly am fighting it now. Seeing those things in writing is really good for me.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Not at all. Thanks Cadet. These hardly worked for me. Nowadays I take Lithium which helps but what I really do is to use mindfulness when I am in negative thoughts. Of course, when you can't function, the drugs calm your system. The extreme is electric shocks. I know people who have them every month.
I know why you want me to focus on it as that os what my wife complains about. For the past 8 years, I didnt have an episode so we beat it. I am unhappy that she is denying it and saying a wife shouldnt do it. Come on that is selfish. I helped her without questioning. She is questioning. That feels bad.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
She believes that even if she cuts contact that she would not feel she is connected to me. She is acting very strange. I even told at the session that to move forward she needs to stop contact. She said there were more underlying problems. I am not denying that but cutting contact is the start.
I am unhappy but not depressed on how I used to. Only thing I can do is to be mindful and live the moment. I also act as if my problems are gone so that I get the feeling.
What kind of goals? Get-A-Life goals?
Of course there are other things in the marriage to work on but NONE of that can happen if there are more than two people in the equation. If there is anyone else in the picture with her then there is ZERO point even discussing working on anything. If that's the case then step back, continue to detach, and do some GAL.
I am not telling you to focus on this because it is your wifes complaint, I am telling you to focus on yourself because it is part of DB, and something I really believe in.
I just was helping my wife on what to do with her cold sores She think the virus will go to her brain. She gives me the fault of talking about the affair with the counsellar. Me again. I avoided talking to protect myself. It was harsh again.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Has been a day I would expect 3 weeks ago; before my wife exploded on me and asked me to leave. We have a planned weekend. This time I sleep in a seperate bed.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
