I'm glad you got a shift last night, MB. We need to do something to (un)celebrate V-Day. Starting at 7 a.m. Let's all just hang out as much as we can on that a$$inine day.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I'm glad you got a shift last night, MB. We need to do something to (un)celebrate V-Day. Starting at 7 a.m. Let's all just hang out as much as we can on that a$$inine day.
Gal-entines Day. That was on an episode of Park and Recreation. A bunch of single girlfriends went out together.
Let's celebrate Galentine's Day. I'm most worried about Saturday night and waking up Sunday morning alone. Wish I had a snuggle buddy.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
You do! You have 2 of them, Hudson and Porter. Let them sleep with you and you can snuggle with them.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Zues, sorry this has taken me so long to write. When I think about it, my situation is so complicated and hard to explain that I have felt defeated before even writing it. I will do my best to explain though.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Originally Posted By: -MB-
Eventually, I just really needed to get my kids out of that situation though....and, I just needed some peace in my life.
I'm confused here. Is this what you told yourself when you left? You say you shouldn't have left...but then you defend it? But then you're upset that he's not interested in reinvesting in the marriage? I can't tell if you're saying you were wrong to leave because it isn't right to split a family, or if you're saying you are free to do whatever you think will make you happy but it just didn't work out the way you wanted.
Living with my H and 6 kids in the house trying to blend our families while he was controlling, emotionally abusive, insanely jealous, and at times downright mean was beyond stressfull. I stayed as long as I could. I really am not making this stuff up to make him seem worse than he was. If anything, I am probably protecting him somewhat because it makes me look like an idiot for wanting back in! He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, but grilled me about every single thing I did.
He would leave for work in the morning and then sometimes he would come home for lunch around 12. I never knew which days he would come home, but he expected me to be there. If I wasn't, he would complain, gripe at me, accuses me of being out looking for someone else, etc. So, it was just easier to be home than go through that. His lunch was an hour long. then, he might be home at 3 or it might be 5 or 6, who knows, but I'm expected to be there or clearly I'm sneaking around. So, basically, I had between 1-3pm to get ready, go to town, grocery shop, run errands, or whatever and e home before him. Even if he pulled in the driveway and I pulled in 2 minutes later, he was mad. Then when I needed to go anywhere after he was home, he would say "You had ALL day!" Like there was something wrong with me for not being able to get everything done between 1 and 3.
One night the kids wanted to play a card game. I went to the table and played with them, H did not and I could tell he was mad that I was playing. He didn't like anyone to have one minute of my attention other than him...not even the kids. Anyway, he got mad and went to bed. He hadn't been in bed very long and apparently we were making too much noise laughing and having fun. It wasn't late and he didn't have to work the next morning! Anyway, he threw my pillow at the door. I knew this wasn't going to be good. Continued playing cards though. As soon as one of the kids laughed again, another pillow hit the door. Sigh.... We stopped playing not long after that. When I went to bed about an hour later, he was just laying there glaring at me with his arms crossed. Honestly, I felt like a little kid that did something wrong and was in trouble. I went to sleep and apparently I was laying on my back. I was startled awake the next morning around 7AM when H banged a pan and a cookie sheet together as hard as he could about 6 inches from my face. I actually felt my body leave the bed because I jumped when it woke me up. The look in his eyes was that of a crazy person! He said that we ruined his sleep, so it was his right to ruin ours. You can't even imagine how mad I was! I tried to explain that we were just playing a game and having fun not trying to do anything mean to him and that what he did was just mean spirited and intended to be mean and hurt us. He didn't care. He then left our room and I could hear him wake the kids up the same way he did me. I think he scared about 5 years off of my life that morning!
Anytime we would go to town whether it was to the store or out to eat or wherever, he would stop and ask me "Who was that?" I would look around and ask who he was talking about. He would say that someone was looking at me. I would have no idea what he was talking about. Never saw anyone looking at me, nor anyone I knew. He would also accuse me of staring at people when I was sure I hadn't been. It got to where I would stare at the table or the light fixtures when we would go out to eat because otherwise he was going to be jealous and accuse me of flirting with someone or staring at them. When we were in the car, I had to look straight ahead otherwise he would constantly be asking me who someone was or accusing me of flirting with people in traffic.
Seriously, I could go on for days about stuff like this that he did. On top of that, all I ever got was constant complaining and negativity. I would listen to his crap and if I didn't deny it, he would say that it must be true because I didn't deny it. He was always trying to engage me in an argument over NOTHING. He just really seemed to need to put me down in order to make himself look better. I never really understood that and never would have treated him that way. I can't tell you how many times I asked him to just say something nice to me, but he never would. NEVER.
Most of our fights and problems, aside from his jealousy, was about the kids. He was great with his own kids, but always made mine feel like outsiders. He had a different set of rules for his own kids, and a much harsher set for mine. He would buy his kids things and not tell me, then say that their mom must have gotten it for them. He would take his kids to drop off /pick up for their weekend with their mom and would stop to get them something to eat, but mine would have to eat at home. He would give them money for whatever they wanted, but would gripe at my kids if they needed money for something. If anything was ever broken, missing, or whatever, he would always assume it was on of my kids not his. The list goes on and on! I am not perfect, but I did try my best to treat all the kids fairly. My kids aren't perfect and neither are his....they're KIDS! All kids do things to test the rules and assert their independence. In his eyes, only my kids did anything wrong and he was always right there to point it out to them.
Like I said, I stayed as long as I could. I really did need some peace in my life. I was depressed, anxious, and I started having panic attacks. I felt like I couldn't ever do anything right. I also couldn't stand to have my kids watch someone treat me that way. I didn't want them to grow up and think that anything about that was normal. It would break my heart if they married someone that treated them that way. Continued........
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
So, my reason for leaving isn't really that simple. I left because I did need peace in my life. I needed to be able to stop and breathe without being told I was doing it wrong! I left because I didn't want my kids to grow up seeing me be treated that way. I didn't want them to grow up feeling like they were inferior to his kids. I left because I was frustrated and didn't know what else to do. I HOPED that he would realize that he was going to loose me and he would try to get help. I did NOT leave becuause I wanted to be free to do whatever I wanted. I did NOT leave because I wanted to be single. I did NOT leave because I wanted my marriage to be over. I love my husband and I never wanted anything other than to spend the rest of my life with him. I just didn't want to feel like he was punishing me ever day. I left to give us a chance. My intention was for us to go to counseling and work on our marriage. To make it better, not to end it. We did start going to counseling right after the separation. He just wouldn't do any of the work to try to fix things. The counselor would give him things to read and think about. He wouldn't even do that.
When I said that I didn't want to leave, it's because I love him and I really didn't want to be apart from him. I just didn't see any other way. I rented the apartment but didn't move. I stayed at home for another month after I had the apartment. I guess I hoped he would know I was serious and change. It didn't happen. He just got resentful and kept griping about when I was going to move. If he hadn't griped at me all the time about it, I may have never moved! I have missed him since before I even moved out. When he would complain about me not being there, I ALWAYS told him that I want to be married to him and that I just need him to be nice to me. That was my only requirement! Just be nice, I will come home. Nope!
Now I may not have handled it the way I should have, but I didn't know what else to do. Nothing I tried had ever worked. I just wanted us to get help so we could move forward and be happy together. I guess if I'm being honest, the separation may have worked but I couldn't separate from him. I basically just relocated, but allowed all of the same behaviors to continue. I spent hours every day at his house. He refused to come over here because it wasn't his house. So, I still went over there, spent all of my time with him, did whatever he wanted to do, listened to him gripe and complain about me only I had given him another thing to complain about....that I left him. I still let him control me, I just allowed him to do it from a mile away instead of from inside the same house. If I had been strong at the separation, it might have worked better. When he was upset, I would go over there and comfort him, tell him how much I loved him, and I always told him that I wanted to be with him. I constantly reassured him. He never had any reason to think I was going anywhere! I rarely even left my apartment because he would be mad at me. Seriously, I allowed him to still control me exactly as before.
When I realized that he wasn't going to fix anything I started trying to move back. I mean, I was always over there anyway. I really did and still do miss him. It got to the point that we just argued about me not living there. I thought if I did, the problem would be solved. I know that isn't true, he would have just found something else to complain about. He wasn't receptive to the idea though. I think it was because of his kids though. I think he was afraid they would leave him and he didn't want to rock the boat. I certainly never intended to be gone for as long as I have been and had actually started trying to move back about 2 1/2 years ago.
So yes, I may have technically walked away from him, but I didn't leave him. I spent more time with him after I left than I did before I left!
Hopefully this makes some sense and maybe clears up some things for you. I have to go take my son to work. I will be back in a little while to finish...
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB I'm so sorry. That sounds like such a sad and stressful way to live each day. I can see why you left. It must have been very difficult for your kids too.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
When I say rowing the right direction, I always think back to 'are these the issues that caused WAS to leave?' I mean, we can change our hair color, wardrobe, and hobbies, but is that really where we should focus? That is why I was asking about your contributions to the breakdown of the M. 25years always says: No spouse ever returns to a marriage unless they are convinced it can be better than the one they left.
It is my belief that my H began the A because he is in MLC. I'm mindreading of course, but I think that he was having a hard time with the fact that I moved out. Then, his kids graduated HS. One of them moved out right after graduation, and the other moved out almost a month before H began talking to OW. I think the whole empty nest thing was just too much especially since I didn't live there. He is severely depressed and I believe he's just looking for anything to take his mind off of his problems and make him feel better.
The problem with doing 180's with H is that, first of all I don't see him or have ANY interaction with him, and second how can I 180 the fact that I don't live there? Move back in? I tried that, he said no. When I said that I could have had better communication skills to be able to deal with his insecurities, controlling behavior, jealousy, and all of that, that's not why he started the A. That's just something I could have done to try to prevent me needing to move in the first place. But, that's basically me giving him the green light to act however he wants and me take the responsibility of making it better for him. I do, however, validate the crap out of him when we are together. I do not allow myself to be engaged in any argument whatsoever with him. I smile, speak softly, validate, agree when appropriate, and pretty much communicate with him from a place of love and understanding. Even when he wants me to leave, I smile, don't make a big deal out of it and leave.
I am completely open to any suggestions anyone has for doing 180's with someone they have no contact with and who is having an A because I moved out. I really am at a loss. I also really do miss my H and have for a long time. I already wanted to move back in even before he started all of this. So, this isn't just "oh he dumped me, now I have to have him because he walked away." I already wanted this fixed and wanted to live in the same house as him. He wasn't supposed to try to get out, he was supposed to treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I really didn't ask for much!
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Just remember one thing- he's feeling more defeated than you are, and he's hoping YOU change. Not your hair style. But something he felt he couldn't live with anymore.
When I was living there, he didn't see any problem with the marriage. It was exactly as he wanted it. He controlled me and I allowed him to. I do get that he feels defeated right now. I can see it in his eyes when I'm around him. He looks completely lost. It's really sad and I feel horrible for him. I know he's not happy and doesn't know what he needs to do to be happy. I really do understand that. I also think he loves me, but doesn't know what to do with those feelings. He gets anxious and has panic attacks when I am around him. I know I can't fix that for him, but I REALLY want to. I don't have any idea how to make it easier for him to be around me. And, if he can't be around me, how will he ever want to be WITH me?
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB, I think it's time for some drastic action. I'm hoping you'll get some advice from the vets. Let's see if Wonka can find her way over here.
May I suggest that you read the book Codependent No More? I've just started it, and it speaks to me. Hopefully even though I have cotton in my ears, my hands are over them, and I chant "nahnahanah" the whole way.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
