I'm brand new here

[Cadet]

I think my weight loss has maybe leveled off at the -22 pound mark. The funny thing is that I've been a Weight Watchers member for a few years now and had been struggling to maintain my goal before the whole crisis started. Now I'm having the opposite problem.

The LBS DIET - we have all been on it.

[Phoebe]

Really hard evening. My grandmother is in the hospital, so I'm worried about her and I found out that my mother told an aunt and uncle that I really like and respect about H leaving me. I didn't want them to know. I was hoping that things would be resolved without them ever having to find out. I'm humiliated and I feel like such a failure.

Earlier in the day I made the mistake of reminding my H about my conference and telling him that while I was not asking him to come that he would be welcome. He replied that, while he was not ruling it out, he was not ready to buy airline tickets. He went on to say that "if I were to decide to go with you, higher cost would be the last thing I'd care about."

That seems worse than just saying no.

He keeps making these hedging-type statements and I just let them go without comment, but they really hurt. He says working on our issues is important and that we will talk when the time is right, but he doesn't make a single statement showing any real commitment to doing that work or what steps he and I might make to move forward.

I'm frustrated and hurting again. Mostly I wish my mother had kept things to herself. Now there won't be any privacy.

[Thornton]

Hi Phoebe,

Sorry you had a rough night.

DB says to try things and then monitor results, right?

So you asked your H to join you on your trip and he didn't respond the way you would have liked. Make note of that. He's not ready to be asked about things like that yet.

Stop the pursuit. "Act as if" you are doing just fine without him. Switch it up.

[Phoebe]

Right. I knew he wasn't ready, but I didn't want to give him the message he was UNwelcome, so I told him he would be welcome instead. The response was definitely a mixed bag, but it was the hedging that bothered me. A flat out "no" would have been easier because that's what I expected. Ah well.

Back to "as if."

[Cadet]

I don't want to hijack your thread WillDO, but I just want to say this:

Thank you for posting this information about depression, Cadet. I think it's good for everyone, but particularly for those of us left behind. I don't think that I had depression before the BD, but I certainly am fighting it now. Seeing those things in writing is really good for me.

I will bring my response over to your thread.

Yes - most LBS's are depressed, or stressed out which is similar to depression.

Learning about it is good for figuring this whole mess out.

I read over 30 books when I got here, some about depression.
Their are many types of that.

And lots of mental illnesses too.
Try to learn as much as you can.

Knowledge is Power

[Phoebe]

Yes, it certainly is, Cadet.

Thank you for posting your reply over here or I probably would have missed it. It's amazing how quickly threads drop off the radar here because the forum is so busy. I keep looking for threads I was reading but I can't remember enough to find them again! I can barely find my own.

I printed out the information you posted on depression for this evening's reading material.

Today has been a much better day. I was super busy with a home improvement project all day and I went out with a friend this evening. Staying busy is key for me.

[Cadet]

If you want to figure out where you posted, click on your name, then view posts. Then click the post itself to read.

[Painter]

Staying busy = GAL = it's for our own benefit as well as the impression it gives. I'm glad you're having a better day! Also, I hope your grandmother will do better soon.

I can't figure out what compels people to treat their partners the way our spouses do. I can not imagine treating anyone like that, and I'd like to know what makes some do and others not.

It does seem like poor communication skills or plain refusal to communicate is a common denominator.

[Phoebe]

Thanks, Painter. She's hanging in there, and doing a bit better in ICU, but it's touch and go and she seems to have hospital delirium now. She's 89 and went in lucid, but exceptionally weak. Now she's saying she wants to "leave the hotel" and is becoming combative and pulling out her lines. The doctor asked for permission to sedate her through the night. It's not a great situation.

I don't understand why people behave the way they do, either. I certainly don't understand why my H has done what he has done. I can't wrap my mind around his decision to run away and to continue avoiding any contact beyond the written word. He's never been deliberately cruel, and he's not saying anything horrible (not to imply that I've liked everything I've heard, just that it's not terrible), but his actions leave a lot to be desired and the fallout has been cruel.

Today I was busy, busy, busy, including a tough cardio session at the gym, and yet I still found time to feel bad that I didn't get a Valentine's Day Card in the mail from him.

I know. I should set my expectations at zero, but sometimes i just can't help getting my hopes up a little bit.

[NYGal]

Hi Phoebe. I hope you are doing ok this weekend. A lot of us have been or are in your shoes. It's so hard to understand how these people we love tune into people we don't even recognize. Stay strong.