NYGal: Still Trying to GAL

[NYGal]

I don't believe she's suicidal. Most likely she is at work, although I don't want to call over there. She can be dramatic, but at the same time I believe she is in crisis. However, if it's just because she still can't choose between us, I don't have a lot of sympathy. Some, though, for her pain. I do still love her. I don't like the person she is right now.

[otw]

then leave it alone. she needs to go through this on her won and figure out what she is dong.

let her feel the pain you have been feeling

[Azzork]

Since I unblocked her i'm driving myself crazy wondering what I missed. That wasn't a good idea.
Maybe she's NCing me! But I suspect not. Oh well. I'll never know I guess. And that's ok too,

That was why I said that the blocking was about her, not about you. You wanted to "send a message to her", but since you could tell she wasnt going to see it, then you reversed it. And your wondering about all of the stuff you may have missed just reinforces this.

Id advise that whenever you are going to act, to really think about your goals and what you hope to accomplish through that action.

All you have to do is communicate what the path back to you looks like. If she's still with OW then there is no path. When my WW decided I was the one she wanted then at first I said, hell no, go away and let me be, but re-thought it, and then a friend told me I had to show her the path back. The path back might look different for all of us. It's every little step, in order, of what they have to do if they want back in your life. Think about it and write it out. Don't leave anything off. If you don't show them a path back then they'll give up and truly be gone for good. In that path back to you, don't be a doormat.

The very first step on that path. No more AP's. If our cheaters can't get past that one then there's no point in the rest of the path. NYGal, what does the path back to you look like? Does that path exist yet? It's ok if it doesn't. Still, if you ever R with her in the future then there has to be a path toward that.

I think this is all well and fine IF W is interested in resuming a relationship with you. All of this self-pity garbage is meaningless. If she wants to be with you, it's on her to make that clear. Through actions.

TX, I've noticed that whenever she thinks I'm pulling away, she reels me back in with talk of how much she misses me and regrets what she has done. Her latest has been how utterly miserable she is on the path she's on. So when I tell her it's not too late for us, and show her the path, the first stumbling block is the AP. She's not ready to let her go. So I back off a bit, then she says she's giving serious thought to reconciling with me and how much she misses our life. When I say I do too (clearing the path and showing her I'm still there) then she says she's a mess. And she won't let the ow go. So I guess I don't know how to show her the path without her throwing ow right there onto the path and cluttering it all up.

Because of this. She wants to keep ALL the paths open. Telling her to close off a different isnt going to go well. Youve said it, now let her go. No need to keep repeating things.

For me I finally took the big gamble.

I hate thinking of the decision to divorce as a 'gamble'. In my m ind, theres no reason to file until you are content with either outcome.

I would not do ANYTHING with the intention of sending a message to W. Do what you need to do for you to be healthy.

[Azzork]

then leave it alone. she needs to go through this on her won and figure out what she is doing.

Right. You are not her friend or her therapist or her lover.

Let her figure her own chit out.

[Painter]

Does she have a counselor or therapist she can call?

If you are really worried or she sends you more distress signals, you could maybe reply something along the lines of 'This is worrying, I hope you will contact your counselor/therapist as soon as possible.' It should signal that you care, but can't fix it.

If that ticks her off, you'll know it was drama and attention-craving acting out. If she's truly in distress, she will seek proper help.

She could be regretting her choices and not know how to recover from them. Shame is a very difficult feeling to deal with, and many flee from it in any way they can.

[NYGal]

I believe she feels shame. She has said as much. She has sent lots of distress signals. She's reaching out, but I'm not sure what she's reaching for. It could be just to keep me close while she goes through this. She can't stand to be alone.

In the past she said she could flip a coin to decide between me and ow. (Ouch.) Rather than flip a coin, I want to be the one she realizes offers the best chance for happiness. I don't get the pull ow has on her. But it must be powerful. Especially when she says she has major concerns about her. What does that say about our R??????

[NYGal]

p.s. apparently she has a therapist.

[- MB -]

I don't believe she's suicidal. Most likely she is at work, although I don't want to call over there. She can be dramatic, but at the same time I believe she is in crisis. However, if it's just because she still can't choose between us, I don't have a lot of sympathy. Some, though, for her pain. I do still love her. I don't like the person she is right now.

NYGal, I'm very proud of you for your response to W this morning. Did it make you feel better just saying it? If not, eventually it will! You did a great job.

First let me say that if you actually think she's suicidal (and you said you didn't think that), then I would ask one of your mutual friends to go check on. Or, even better, call 911 like Rain does.

If you're not afraid she's suicidal, then let her be. She chose this path. You can't fix her. It isn't up to you...she FIRED you! She made this mess and it's hers alone to clean up. Sorry if OW is out of town or whatever, did she care that you have been ALONE? Was she there to comfort you while you cried? Let her feel the pain of what she created. She needs to go through this and she needs to do it knowing that she pushed you away and you're not available to her while she is in a R with ow.

Most likely she is at work and you don't want to call her THERE? Did you mean that you don't want to call this woman that she has become AT ALL? Please say yes! If you just can't resist (and I KNOW you can) then CALL ME FIRST! I will be your rock. The huge rock that will sit right on top of you so you can't dial that phone! Lol

You should really be proud of yourself for being so strong this morning. And, if she continues to text you, don't answer every single one of them. Wean yourself down if you need to. You can do this. We are all here to help you.

[NYGal]

I'm sure my "I'm so sorry you feel this way. That's a lot to deal with" sounded like rejection to her. I know her well. At least I know the old her.
What if this emotionally distraught person needs to know which one of us is there for her, and it's not me?

[Painter]

Do you want to be someone's lifeline and rescuer, or do you want to have an equal partner? If you're her lifeline, she'll leave you again as soon as she feels better.