Discovered affair after starting the DB process

[LiM]

Thanks for the support Bob. I need all I can get because honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to be fine. This is the most awful thing I could have ever imagined. Never in a million years would I have thought my W would be capable of what she has done. Even before I found out about the A, I had friends telling me that she was having an A when I described her strange behavior. But I defended her as if my life depended on it because no way in hell was it possible that my W could be having an A. Boy was I ever wrong. That revelation completely destroyed my view of what was sacred, pure and definite in life. I don't know how I will ever regain the ability to have hope and trust in other people.

I'm now just right at a month out from BD day. I'd like to say that I'm (mostly) not crying every day anymore. I've gone from feeling despair and anguish to actually more anger at what she has done. I'm glad we're talking and I feel like its progress. But there can never be healing for me unless she is able to come to grips with what she has done, the pain that it has caused and is able to express complete and total remorse. I don't have the faith that she is capable of that. If not, it will be D for us. No friendship or nothing.

For now, all I can do is work on me and making myself a better person. I've been made to feel (by my W) that I was a pretty shitty Dad to my daughters. While I'm certainly not up for any Dad of the Year award and I have plenty of room for improvement, I've learned that I'm actually a REALLY good Dad no matter my W tells me. I'm proud of the daughters I've raised and of the relationship I have with them.

[AU Bob]

Sounds like you are getting a pretty good grip on things.
Spose really what I was trying to say is, don't beat yourself up, or blame yourself for it all.
People do change and become completely different, like Sandi says they are not the person you used to know love and married.
Take great joy in your growing relationship with your children, it's one of the positives in all this, and remember they are suffering and confused too, you always have to remember that.

[JulieH]

lim

I wish I had answers for you. But I do understand. In a rational, logical world they would feel remourseful for their actions because they betrayed the one person that they committed to and had a family with. She betrayed the father of her children in the most humiliating way a person can betray someone else. Nothing you did justified this very selfish action. She should be the one that is begging for your forgiveness. Unfortunatly, in reality this does not seem to be the dynamics of these types of situations.

I think your wife is just not ready to face this as of yet. This does not mean she won't be able to in the future. Right now all you can do is work on changing you and allow her to come to grips with her own actions. I think the talks are good even though they are very hurtful. Perhaps she needs to see you as a person again. I am imagining that she had to greatly villify you in order to do what she did. I don't know if she felt so powerless in your relationship that she felt this was her only resort or if she is just coming up with a way to blame you so that she does not have to face her own actions.

i do not believe this space is not only for you to work on yourself, but for you to evaluate what your boundaries are in a relationship and for a partner.

I think sandi would be a wonderful person to get some advise from. If you see her posting, you should ask her to take a look at your situation.

[LiM]

Thanks Julie,

I've read LOTS of Sandi's posts. She's an invaluable member of this group and I've found a lot of comfort in what she brings.

I agree that the problem is that my W just isn't ready to face her actions just yet and that's what I have trouble understanding. How on earth could a decent human being not IMMEDIATELY be overcome with remorse when they got busted?! Especially, if (as I believe is the case in my situation) they are not in love with the other person (my W told me the A ended immediately and I believe her because that is what I expected to happen). But I guess its not for me to understand whats going on in her head because I didn't make those decisions and so I can't really know what she's feeling.

Right now, my emotions have switched from being hurt and despondent to being angry. I'm angry that she's not expressed remorse yet. I'm angry that she's tried to justify the A. And I'm wondering now if I'm going to have to decide if this is even a person that I do want to try and work with? I'm feeling a bit like a pathetic loser for even considering that I want to work on our R and M but I think that is just the anger playing out in my head. And I've just got to give it some time. And right now, that's all I have.

[vise82]

Hey LiM,

Just giving support. Know that feelings are just feelings and they change, continue with your DBing and take care of yourself.

[AU Bob]

Hey
One of the things that I wonder about is the advice given to me from my friends and family, they all say she is gone good riddance get over it, move on find somebody else! it's alright for them to say these things, they think they are being helpful, then they go home to their wife and kids! they are not living it, they don't understand.
You have to just listen to them say thanks, and put it out of your head.
If you still love her I mean really love her not just need her, stay strong and continue with DBing and give yourself the best chance of R.

[sandi2]

I've struggled with the NC rule and not initiating conversation about the R but the problem is that NOT talking about our R is what got us in the place we are in now.

Which rule says NC or talking about the R?

[LiM]

I thought not talking about the R was part of the "37 rules" and NC is part of going dark.

I think I've been able to figure out an acceptable level of contact that fits MY specific situation. In general, I don't text or call. If she engages ME, I will respond in kind. We have started meeting for an hour a week to talk and we do go to church together. During our one hour talk, I don't press talking about the relationship but if it comes up, that's fine. We really don't talk about fixing the R. We mainly talk about how each of us are feeling and what we are struggling with. And we may just talk about general life stuff that is outside of the M and R.

[LiM]

I've been having a really rough time lately. I had a week where my emotions switched to anger but that has gone and the pain has returned. I unfollowed my W on Facebook so I wouldn't see her posts in my timeline. I did that because the OM would frequently "Like" her posts. He's such a dumbass. I tell my W that I'm not going to expose the A to his spouse and yet he continues to invade our life in that way!? I mean, I get it jerk. I KNOW you like my W. Stop flaunting it! Even though I wasn't seeing her posts on my feed, I couldn't stop myself from manually going to her page to check on her. And on Monday, I made the mistake of visiting the FB page for his triathlon training group that he runs and I saw that my W posts to it almost every day. That sent me into a horrible downward spiral because its clear that the EA is still ongoing even if the physical isn't.
So I deleted the FB app from my phone and I removed the bookmark from my browser so that I wouldn't be constantly tempted to snoop. So far, I haven't gone back and looked yet but that in itself cause pain and grief because it was the only way I had left to be a part of my W's life in any way. I can no longer even watch from a distance.
I've wanted to expose the A to the OM's W, mainly out of anger to "punish" my W. But I don't think I can. The pain of what I'm going through is unbearable and I don't think I can do that to his W. I think she is a good person and I don't want to hurt her even though I'm not the one that is actually doing the hurting to her. Her H is.
I've also wanted to expose the A because I know that it would force a stop to the EA. He isn't going to leave his W and I don't think she would kick him out. But it would stop all communication between he and my W so long as he doesn't leave or get kicked out. If he left or got kicked out, his "business" of training athletes would come to a complete halt because he does it out of his house. His W doesn't need the income from his business. She is the breadwinner so she could kick him out if she wanted. But they have 3 young kids and I know he takes care of them (getting them to school and whatnot). I think she DOES need him for that.
The final reason I've not exposed the a to his W is selfish. I know that if I did, any chance of reconciliation goes out the window. My W would be very angry with me if I did that. And since reconciliation is what I'm hoping for, I'll not do that for now. If we end up in divorce? I don't know. I may change my mind.
I thought about contacting him to threaten to expose the A if he didn't cut off all contact with my W. The conversation would go like this, "You need to contact my W and tell her that you've decided to work on your M and that you are so overcome with shame and guilt that you feel you can no longer have any contact with her. You need to tell her that she is not welcome to train with your group and that she should no longer contact him in any way. If you don't do this, I'll expose the A. If you tell my W we had this conversation, I'll expose the A." It really only gives him one option because I don't think he wants it exposed under any circumstance.
Once the EA stops, my W's life would be in turmoil. She would no longer have her M and she would be pushed out of her social circles. She would either have to decide to work on our M or file for D and find a new life for herself. I think it would push her to want to work on our M. But do I really want to (secretly) force her back into our M? Do I really want her back if she doesn't decide to come back on her own? Probably not.

[NYGal]

Be very, very careful. You don't want to be seen as bullying OM or W. I know what you want: to save your marriage. Listen to a lot of people on here before you expose the A. It works for some, but not others. TXHubby talks about the benefits of exposing an affair, but he was lucky that OM's wife did the exposing, not him. She did it in the way we all dream of, too! Her marriage did not survive. TXHubby's did.

I also spiraled quickly from anger back to despair. It happens. Just accept it and keep moving forward. Anger, sadness, despair, hope, confusion, anxiety, more sadness and despair, a bit of anger, despair... it's the norm for us now. We just have to keep getting up every morning and making it through the day. Hopefully in ways that allow us to grow and learn.

We're here for you, LiM. We know how it feels.