I've been a lurker here for two and a half years now. I've read everything link and story I could, especially about MLC, but I'm now at a loss as what to do. So I'm asking for your help.
BD was three years ago on our 25th anniversary. H said he wasn't happy. For the next two years, he was angry, irritable, spewing, deep in his MLC. He had an EA with a co-worker. I realize that I wasn't fulfilling his emotional needs because I was too busy being a mother. I had neglected my husband. I owned up to this,hoping it wasn't too late, but he was so ANGRY! I was able understand (because of what I was reading) what he was going through and deflect a lot of the hurtful things he said. At this point, we were still living together.
February 2015 he filed for divorce...this just after I had gone through radiation for breast cancer. I was devastated. I moved out of our marital home with my youngest daughter to my parents, and went dark. One month later he contacted me saying he missed me so much and that he had made such a mess of things. He said his anger was gone. I questioned how and if it was because his grandma had just died. He said no. We did lots of things together throughout the summer, but still lived separately. I had bought a small house because we were selling our marital home. He pulled the divorce papers two days before the court date in August 2015.
He kept saying he was going to move in with me, but never did. In November, he started to get angry again and things have gone downhill from there. He told me that he still wasn't happy. He re-filed for divorce in mid-January 2016. I am crushed AGAIN.
Our marital home finally sold at the end of January, and he has since bought a small house in another town and we've split everything up. I went dark again, but it feels like it is truly done this time. I don't know what to do. I love my husband and have been with this man for more than 30 years. It's so hard to watch him walk away from all that we had together. I know I can't fix him, but it is so hard to let him go.
Me: 51 H:50 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Nel, Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we have so many wonderful posters who will drop by and post from time to time.
So, let's begin, how are you doing? Are you taking care of yourself? Stress can create a lot of health issues, so you'll need to take care of yourself.
As for your h, it sounds like he took a short breather during his crisis and he's picked up where he left off a few years back. Sometimes when there is a crisis going on, such as you experienced w/the breast cancer, they'll wake up just a bit and panic that we might not be there for them and thus, they talk about themselves to us and yes, even do things w/us as a family unit and also talking about moving back in w/you....it's just a period of clarity because they will eventually will dive right back into the rabbit hole.
His crisis isn't over. In fact, I would venture to say he's still in replay and will most likely be there for quite some time. What do you do? You continue moving forward. Live your life to the fullest and do the things that you've never had the time to do. You can leave the door ajar and if your h ever wakes up, he will know where you are and will do the necessary work to win you back...but you need to allow him to grow up and prove he is worthy of you again. That means, actions speak louder than words. He's got a lot of heavy work to do. Let him go for now.
For now, be a friend, allow him to come to you. Do not contact him unless it is an emergency or something to do w/your daughter. Truly, the best thing to do is just leave him alone to figure things out. When he contacts you, listen, do not judge and if he does something nice, be sure to thank him.
Try to keep the focus on YOU and your daughter. It's difficult to do when you've got this going on, but you have to try to do it. Dig deep for patience and understanding.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for your response. You are very wise and I value your opinion.
I agree that his crisis isn't over yet. I believe it started at least two years before bomb drop so we are at year 5. I was just hoping to outlast him, and that he would come through this. One problem with detaching is that we work together in the same building...luckily on opposite sides, so I can usually manage to avoid him.
My friends and family have said that I have been too patient and understanding so far and are pushing me to "cut the anchor." That is one reason I posted here because I've seen how DBing works and patience is a must. My H is conflict avoidant and does not like to share his feelings. He refused to go to any type of IC or MC. This was a big problem for us, I think. I did go to IC for two years and am back there now.
When H filed last year, I did a pretty good job of letting go and moving forward...having no idea that he would come back. In fact, this is what he said that he noticed...that I was moving forward without him. This time, he seems determined to not let that happen again. He has asked to shorten the waiting period for the divorce.
I need to get back to detaching and not letting his actions and emotions affect me so much. I've lost weight again and that elephant is back sitting on my chest. I feel like it is deja vu all over again since I just felt the same way one year ago.
And you're right, Job, I need to make this about ME and D17. She only has a couple months left in high school. My mom keeps reminding me of this too.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks, Cadet. I've read every single one of these links multiple times, and they've been so valuable to me. I continue to re-read them as it makes me remember to be understanding and compassionate for what H is going through.
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
I also thought and heard that sometimes that come back b4 they finish the crises or the work they say the work is about him his unresolved issues from the past not just the M the M may have had issues but people not on MLC can work through issues You sound pretty good at detaching and moving forward so now is the time to let go and heal take the time for you you can watch your H from a a distance most LBS do seem to land on their feet and if you H decides to turn around, you will be there and be watching carefully as u move forward
Good luck
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yes, he has unresolved issues from his childhood. His parents divorced when he was 11 or 12 and his dad was abusive to his mom. His dad is now on his 4th wife and H has no relationship with him at all.
Journaling:
Slow day today because of all the snow we got slammed with.
H just stopped by to pick up some financial papers. He was on his way to see his lawyer. He was almost giddy. I don't know how many times I've heard him say, "I don't want to be married anymore." He just closed on his house yesterday and is all excited about it. I know this is the replay stage, but it is so hard to hear him. I just validated and told him I was excited for him too.
One thing that I worry about that I KNOW I shouldn't even be thinking about is OW that he had an EA with. She also works with us and H has daily interaction with OW daughter, and I have daily interaction with OW son. OW is now divorced and when H had the EA he said he was "helping" her through her divorce. I've constantly asked H if he's been in contact with her and he would say no. I believed him, but did find out later that he lied about it. I made a big deal about him lying because honesty is something that we've preached to our Ds. My coworkers ask if I think something is going on between them. I keep saying no, but maybe I'm being a fool. I need to stop thinking about what might happen in the future, and just concentrate on the now. I HAVE to remember that I can't control him, but only my own actions. DETACH, DETACH DETACH...
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
yes detatch.. all the truth will come out in time Its better to concentrate on your future and yourself
there is no way to stop them from going deeper in the crises sometimes it does look like they are all excited about their new life and his new house but remember he is taking himself with him, so all changes are really within many people change environment to hope for that internal shift..but it doesn't work like that
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace- I like that... "He is taking himself with him." That is so very true. He is running away from everything and everyone that he THINKS is causing his unhappiness, but in reality it's all about him. I agree that he thinks everything will change with a new environment. The sad thing is that he has no close friends...lots of acquaintances but no one to actually talk to, not even his family. My D19 just said the other day, "Dad is in crisis." It's funny that she even used that word "crisis"." Even his daughters can see it.
Nel
Me: 51 H:50 M: 28 years T: 31 years 4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17 BD Jan 2013 D filed Feb 2015 Papers pulled Aug 2015 D re-filed Jan 2016
remember he is taking himself with him, so all changes are really within many people change environment to hope for that internal shift..but it doesn't work like that
Very well said Peace. They are stuck with themselves. All changes they make concerning their surroundings are superficial and based on lies anyway. Good luck to him on that.
Nel, so sorry you are here. I'm glad you are not a lurker anymore though. Its important to let it all out here. You seem very knowledgeable about MLC already and that should help you detach. Also listen to your D's. they see more than we can we see. My D's tell me things they saw about my STBXW personality change way before i even noticed it. Love is blind.
You already know what you need to do, Detach and move on with your life. Your H followed last time. Let him bake some more. Don't give him the power to decide if and when he comes back. You decide, it's your life.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
