Sorry for the pain you are experiencing. What are the ages of you and your H? Do you have children?
Have there ever been any affairs (any type) from either side? Is this the first M for both of you?
Do both of you work from home?
Do you suspect another woman in the picture?
Sorry for so many questions. The answers will help us have a clearer idea of your situation.
It sounds as if your H may be going through some type of life crises. Has anything major happened the last couple of years, like losing a parent or extremely close friend? Did he suffer financial ruin or some other experience that could have thrown him into a state of depression?
I can hear the urgency in your post, and I hear the pain of rejection. What I am going to advise is for you to keep the home front going. Don't neglect the chores and things that need doing. Try to keep it looking warm and inviting.
Hope, please take exceptional care of your health during this time. This will probably not be over in a few short months. I hope it will, but from the accounts I have read on this board for 8 yrs, I've discovered it usually last longer. Btw, I have been here 8 years b/c this board helped save me when I was in such a mess. I am here now, hoping to pay forward any help that I can.
Okay, so stay on a good diet, get plenty of sleep (even if you have to go to the doctor for a prescription), and exercise every single day. Those the physical needs. Next, take care of your emotional/mental part. Do you have a close friend or family who will support you so that you won't feel completely alone? I am not talking about you getting advice from them. In fact, it would be difficult for them to be unbiased, so save that for the board. I just meant you need to be around those people who love you and will help to fill the gap of rejection. Also, get inspiration from listening to great music that gets your blood pumping. Don't listen to sad country western songs or love songs. Don't watch sad movies. This is not the time to subject yourself to extra pain, and that sort of thing seems to affect us. Make this a personal mission of focusing on you to come through this in top condition.
Get involved in something new. Try a new hobby. Go somewhere you have never been. Experience new things. Meet new people. Reach out and volunteer to help an elderly person or someone disabled who lives near you.
This is probably nothing like you wanted to hear, is it? You wanted advice in how to get your H back home. Well, I'm working on it. . However, there are no guarantees that he will do anything. The WAH or MLC H's are far and few here on the board, however, the ones I have read about say that when they saw their W do the things I am telling you, it somehow did a work on him. The W was involved in life, and she was looking great, and the biggest thing of all.......she seemed happy, in spite of what he was doing. She drew him back by letting him go. She did not cry, beg, guilt him, be clingy, threaten, complain, act helpless, or any of those type things we women are so infamous in doing. When you stop and think about it, why would any man want to go home and be with a woman like her?
Hope, you are going to need to make yourself happy, and don't look to him to do it.
I have to get ready for work. I will come back when you've had time to answer my questions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hope, below is a link to another woman who had a husband who seemed very dissatisfied with his life. Things got a lot worse before they got better. This is a success story, so maybe reading it will give you courage, hope, and information to apply to your own situation.
Thanks for your support sandi2. So H and I are both 31 but I have a birthday coming up in April. No children, H had an affair, 1st M for both of us, neither of us work from home, and I am not sure if the OW is still in the pic.
I certainly think H is going through some sort of early midlife crisis, questioning what the next part of his life and career look like. Its unfortunate that he feels I'm the unhealthy piece of the puzzle and his overall world domination.
I've been going to the gym, pampering myself when I can, keeping the apt clean and warm. I've been going to therapy once a week which helps most times. I have only a few female friends who are truly unbiased and allow me to vent and support me in wanting to fight for my marriage. It funny bc early on in the process, I would go to friends and family for help and spirtual guidance but I always left feeling even more miserable and like there was something wrong with me for wanting my husband back after what he's done to me. But they dont know the inner workings of my marriage and they dont know what its like to be in my shoes. I know they want to see me be ok but I always felt bad for feeling the way I do. I guess H could say the same thing from his point of view on things as his family urged him to come back home. So needless to say, I felt rejected on the friend/family thing also. Especially since all of our friends are mutual and they dont know what to say and don't want to get involved.
It's hard to wrap myself in new things given my financial concerns at this time. Everything just ties back to this situation. In the meantime, I'm LRT/180ing as best as I can with very few slip ups these days. Im getting stronger, more confident. I've let him and the outcome go. I do have a DB coach who gives me action steps to at least keep the contact between us going b/c for awhile, there was radio silence. And I try to always keep the "why would any man want to go home and be with a woman like that" thought in my head.
I'm going through the thread you provided and her story seems so similar to mine....I'm going to keep reading through. I am almost surprised by how much hope and strength I have throughout all of this, regardless of the outcome. Actually, I'm not surprised b/c I know where it comes from. So I think THAT ALONE is what keeps me getting up every morning and going through all of this. The rejection is difficult, almost like someone slapping you in the face very hard and you just turn the other cheek and respond calmly and with a smile. No, I dont think its being a doormat, I think its called being peaceful. Like i said, I have slip ups but for the most part, I try to keep my dignity as much as possible. But I'm not giving up on my vows.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
H is actually a great man with a good heart. I made alot of mistakes and didn't always treat him the way I should have. His A was simply a symptom of his unhappiness and his internal crisis, and it was not the cause of what is happening. I do a lot of self-reflection and exploration so that is why I am able to love him from a distance in the face of rejection. I am in no way, shape or form perfect and neither is H. But he has always strived to be the best he can be in our marriage, until he couldn't. I'm learning more about how I can be a better wife and a better version of myself, so we are both to blame.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I get discouraged b/c when I think back on the past months, I feel like too much time has passed by and he may be getting used to his new normal b/c thats what I'm being forced to do. He's set up his new place with all him creature comforts and seems to be enjoying all of this freedom. I have read many times on here that it's not over unless YOU decide to give up but what does that really mean? H has a good amount of control, not me. And I'm not saying that from a "victim" perspective, I'm saying that from a "person who wants to R but getting a huge brick wall" perspective.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
We conjure up all these thoughts and fears in our minds and they send us reeling.
The truth is, you have ZERO control over your H. There's not a thing you can do to get him to return on your timeframe. There's not a conversation you can have that will make him snap out of it.
He will need to snap out of his fog completely on his own. It will likely be a time when you least expect it (and that's IF it happens).
The absolute fastest way to get him to come home is to make yourself as attractive as possible. You need to ooze happiness. You need to be physically healthy. You need to be ambitious.
Those are the things that he will see from afar and wonder why he's isn't with you.
There's no promises but I have seen DB work. It worked for me 18 months ago.
The hard part is releasing the pain and being ok on your own. That's when things start to fall into place. Unfortunately, releasing the pain takes time and effort, there is no shortcut.
You can do this, Hope. It hurts like hell but you can do it.
I think it is very important that a woman not act as a victim when she has a WAH. It's not very attractive or appealing.
I hope you will continue to have dignity, grace, and poise.
As much as you want to reconcile with your H, I hope you will not tell him, b/c he knows that you do and b/c it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on him. It actually pushes him further away, instead of drawing him closer.
How are you dealing with this OW and the knowledge that he had an A?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thats why I say I have problems staying the course sometimes. I'll be going along my 180 way and then have a slip up which is the worst. I tell him he left me in a lurch, I tell him I'm having a hard time finding a place to live b/c of financials and if he can help, I told him I still love him, called him "babe". I haven't said "I want you to come back" or anything liek that since he sprung the D word on me. But I have told him that I pray for him and us and that I don't believe D is the solution to our problems, but I respect and understand his resolve. I did pretty well in my interaction with him last night. He cancelled on me after telling me he'd help me out with something at the apt and I said, I understand and then asked him about what he's working on. He told me and where usually I would take the opportunity to engage him in a longer convo, I simply said, "That sounds amazing, hope it goes well. Good night," and left it at that.
I've been reading books on healing and recovering from an A by yourself. It's helpful. I try to get both perspectives to see what is going on in the mind of my H since he wont tell me but all WASs seem to follow the same exact script. The fact that H told me about the A to get me to leave him - I mean what can I really do but heal from it?
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I think you are interacting with him too much. I think he needs to feel scared that you are letting go. You aren't doing anything that will make him feel that fear.
He can comfortably keep you in limbo until he decides which direction to take his life.
. However, there are no guarantees that he will do anything. The WAH or MLC H's are far and few here on the board, however, the ones I have read about say that when they saw their W do the things I am telling you, it somehow did a work on him. The W was involved in life, and she was looking great, and the biggest thing of all.......she seemed happy, in spite of what he was doing. She drew him back by letting him go. She did not cry, beg, guilt him, be clingy, threaten, complain, act helpless, or any of those type things we women are so infamous in doing. When you stop and think about it, why would any man want to go home and be with a woman like her?