Already did some dumb things... Contacted OM spouse. Filled her in. Contacted her brother who she was lying too. Contacted her mom in Mexcio... Yeah... probably over reacted.... Ooops.. At this point I don't Fn care. She has lied to everyone. It's now on her. I will not try to show her my best self and win her back. That didn't work. I'm going with the 180... telling her this is the house her family lives in. This is the families house. Right now the family isn't her priority so she should probably leave until she can decide what her priorities are. I will not beg to have her back after all of this. I have been so good to her. This is on her now. I think odds are good she will just say she wants out and I don't see trying to stop her at this point. Sorry if that's not the DB way.
Hello Gooddad,
Oh my! Sounds like you have had quite a morning. Did you confront her with your new findings before you told her mom, brother, OM's wife, etc? Exposing this to everyone isn't the DB way, but detaching certainly is. All of this time she has been cake eating. Is it time for her to see what he life will be like without you as her husband?
Setting boundaries is a wonderful idea regarding her disrespecting you in the family home since she has continued her affair. What is the best way to implement those boundaries to protect yourself and your kids?
Right now everything you say and do needs to be very strategic. I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possible. There is much that can be done. Call me to discuss our coaching program.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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Sorry you have to go through this. I certainly don't think you have done anything dumb - sounds like you took action so that you will not allow her to keep lying and disrespecting you and your family. You were living in a lie and now you are not. I always think honesty is truly the best strategy in this. Your family deserves to understand what is happening, and especially the OMW so that she can know the truth of her own marriage and make decisions for herself.
From my experience, the vast, vast majority of the time this happens the OM will immediately throw your WW under the bus to save his own butt. At least temporarily. Your WW will probably only get crazier one way or the other, and it really isnt your concern because no matter what she says, its got nothing to do with you.
I agree with the other posters about not making a hasty decision about either divorce or taking her back. You should do neither right now. But you should absolutely be taking action right now. And it should be all about yourself, not your WW or marriage for now. Exercise and eat healthy. No alcohol. Consult with a couple of lawyers to understand your rights in an infidelity divorce, eliminate the fear of the unknown, and learn what you should do to put yourself in a strong position. Start documenting all the things you do and the time you spend with your kids in a handwritten journal, with dates and times. Document all the times she is gone. Separate your finances and close out any joint credit cards. You will likely have to pay at least 50% of her current debt, but there are ways to start the clock where she is responsible for new spending. Whether you eventually divorce or reconcile wont be decided now, and the decision may not be up to you. But putting yourself in the strongest position possible now will pay off either way.
Anger is good, rage is not nor revenge. It will get in the way, you need a clear head.
Don't get mad, get yourself protected in every way. Stay where you are, protect your children.
Immediate action on Fins, absolutely immediate. No delay, talk to bank, advisers and L
Above all L.
If you had unprotected sex with WW, get tested. I did so and I told WH and my L that I had done so. It's important to look after you.
Calm down, have white focused anger not red unfocused anger.
The next few days are the most important for you. Change passwords, cut her access to funds and protect your computer, tablet, mobile phone. Disengage FB.
Go completely totally and utterly silent on the A. Otherwise you will look vindictive, initial reaction in anger others will understand but repeated outburst and WW will get the sympathy.
I did say L didn't I and follow to the letter his advice.
Calm, collected and controlled.
You got this. If you stay strong and get detached then that sends a clear strong message about your boundary. WW will see that strong strength especially if nasty OM gets his up commance. I would bet he will run like the cheap little worm he is into his dirty cheese less wormhole.
Just my 2c worth
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So lots of talking tonight. Told her to leave originally. After talking to my counselor said if she leaves it's like a vacation for her. Whatever. She didn't want to leave. So she's in guest room in basement. Still says she loves me and isn't planning on leaving. I said what about the OM? She said obviously it needs to end. No sh!t. So torn. On one hand I want to serve her papers and say get out. On the other to hear her say she is sorry for fn up our life's and hopes she can fix it wants me to give her a chance. I don't kmow. Still crazy about her even though I can't look at her right now. But will she ever be able to give me her best? I know I'm done doing anything nice. I will be a good dad and try to work on me. My question is I've been in pain for 6 months. Do I just put an end to it for my sanity or do I fight thru another 6 months minimum of trying to see if it can work?
Sounds like OM got kicked out of his place. Sounds like he told my W he loves her and wants to be with her. Part of me wants her to go down that road and see how ugly it will end up for her. I'll be fine.
Since we are broke finances are not a big deal. I have money that is my dads that we were holding in case he goes in a nursing home. Even better news is it's invested through my wife's brother. I might pull it out and give it to my brother who I can trust. Plus my dad isn't doing well and If he passes there is quite a bit of money. I might just have my brothers take that too and get later.
I told her this. You need to decide. Then if you can get past the other guy we can think about working on our marriage. And I still might say I can't do it. I feel so bad for my kids. 10 8 4. They don't deserve this and neither did I.
My real question is this the person she has become or is my wife still in there somewhere. I'd rather be alone than miserable with her. I want to text the OM and say good luck. You can have her.
If this is his second or third A that might be the case. OMW may decide no more. That's always a risk when telling OPS (other persons spouse). We often hear tell the OMW or OWM and it's not something I think is a good idea. It's often said they have the right to know, firstly it removes their right to not know, they may already know and are DB, it's in the best interest of the LBS to keep the OP R in play.
Sounds like he told my W he loves her and wants to be with her.
Plan B, it might be WW knows an OM like this isn't a good bet. If they will do it with you then they will do it to you.
Part of me wants her to go down that road and see how ugly it will end up for her. I'll be fine.
You are angry, calm down.
Since we are broke finances are not a big deal.
It is even more of a big deal in that case.
I have money that is my dads that we were holding in case he goes in a nursing home. Even better news is it's invested through my wife's brother. I might pull it out and give it to my brother who I can trust.
Not your cash and you have a duty of care in this. Get a professional adviser involved, they will recommend a good arrangement with tax effectiveness. That's my area so I know that you can have legal issues with duty of care failures.
Plus my dad isn't doing well and If he passes there is quite a bit of money. I might just have my brothers take that too and get later.
My recommendation involve a professional, you don't want WW staying just because their is the prospect of wealth. I hope your dad has the longest and best of health and is part of your life for as long as possible.
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Straight thinking for you. Well done on keeping MBR. Your WW may get angry in response. You stated your boundary, she was not transparent about OM. She gave you reassurances that were illusions. You have every right to enforce your boundaries.
Stay well and calm
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Feeling hopeless today. Like I have been fighting fo 6 months and have nothing to show for it. Really feeling like saying you made this bed now sleep in it.
Not sure I can ever get images out of my mind that I got from emails. A sexual flirty side that she never showed me.
I know I can't rush a decision. How long should I think about it?
Contacted OM spouse. Filled her in. Contacted her brother who she was lying too. Contacted her mom in Mexcio... Yeah... probably over reacted.... Ooops.. At this point I don't Fn care. She has lied to everyone. It's now on her. I will not try to show her my best self and win her back. That didn't work. I'm going with the 180... telling her this is the house her family lives in. This is the families house. Right now the family isn't her priority so she should probably leave until she can decide what her priorities are. I will not beg to have her back after all of this. I have been so good to her. This is on her now. I think odds are good she will just say she wants out and I don't see trying to stop her at this point. Sorry if that's not the DB way.