Pink, I would like for you to take some time to really think about what I am about to ask you. The question that I have is what would it take for your xh to prove himself worthy of your love and the possibility of reconciling at some point?
You can leave the door ajar and start out in baby steps such as meeting up at church or having a cup of coffee at the local café. You could go to some activities at your son's school and meet up there, i.e., just as friends. If you truly want this man back in your life, you need to start out small and go from there.
The one thing that I will caution you on is...don't take him back w/o him doing the necessary work to win you back. There have been a few that will open that door and allow them back and later on they are gone again. They attempted to sweep everything under the carpet and those dust bunnies came out to play and haunt them like elephants in the room. Both of you experienced a crisis, both of you have changed and at some point both of you will need to talk about what happened and how to mend things...again, this is further down the road and when the opportunity presents itself.
Sometimes, we have to take that old "leap of faith" to see where things go. For now, if you would like to work on that door being ajar, start out small w/no expectations. Look at him as a friend and go from there. Friendship is where it all began many years ago and since this will be a new relationship...so will the friendship. A good way to test the waters is to attend church on the day he's there and see how he reacts. If you prefer to sit elsewhere in the church, then so be it...but again, you've got to start somewhere w/baby steps if this is what you want.
We've all given you our thoughts...so sit quietly, think about all that we have posted and I can assure you, the answers will come. You are the only one that can decide what and how you want to proceed. No matter what happens, we are here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Pink, Job has already given wise advice as always. I would add to this and say - to me at this stage, door ajar looks like slightly longer convos that are on friendly and fairly casual terms.
One thing I noticed is that your convos can sometimes jump straight into difficult territory - like when he was saying he was unhappy and you asked 'why did you do this H?' To me, questions like that are difficult ones and best asked at a much later time. I think it is best to keep things at a much lower level and try to keep yourself relatively detached - listening, validating, talking about lighter stuff.
If he starts to get into some heavier stuff, listen and validate. And if he asks you questions you aren't ready to answer, let him know that you'll need some time to think about that etc.
But, small steps and no big decisions - much too early - coffee, church, little chat at the house etc, maybe a touch more texting etc, ask how he's doing etc. But friends and not romance okay?
JMHO Sweetie, and good luck with things xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I agree w/Sotto in that your conversations have to stay or friendly and casual terms. What does that mean? It means that at this time you need to be careful in asking him why he did what he did because he's still not at the point that he can actually tell you. Relationship talks should be put on hold for a bit longer because he's not to the point where you can actually say he's done in the oven. I know you want answers now and you want him to be accountable, but he's not there yet.
Continue to listen and validate and if the conversations tend to stray into heavier stuff, then be honest and advise him that you need to think about his questions/comments for a while before providing answers.
Start out as friends and go from there. Romance at this time? No, it's not the right time. You both are still very vulnerable and you both need to learn to trust again. It's one step at a time to rebuild what has been torn apart.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"I agree/Sotto in that your conversations have to stay on friend and casual terms...."
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are all very wise and you can probably read in between my written lines that I would like to resolve everything at once.
It's me again. The one that does not learn "PATIENCE". I am a doer and always have an urge to solve stuff.
And that is why I ask advice from wise folks like you. I will think. One thing I know. I would like, if it is the case, that XH would be the one to really put the work to ask me more frequently for a coffee, for a walk or whatever.
But, I better take my sweet time to think about things. Had a tough day at work today. I don't get why all the hard issues are resolved on Friday here in America. My whole life I have hard Mondays, but here it is insane with this Friday problems.
Just got a text from H:
Hi Cira - Would it be OK to reschedule tonight's time with our sons, for next week? Maybe Wednesday nt?
Me - Hi XH - I don't think there is a problem. I made plans to go out today. Well, just let me know if you will be around, like close by, just in case they need some help for some reason. Wed is fine if they are OK with it.
XH - I will be local tonight, for any reason.
Me - OK. I will let them know. Have fun, enjoy yourself.
So here we go, I just feel like an idiot thinking about all this F S**t that he writes. Who am I kidding. He was done with me long before he even said that he did not love me anymore.
I need to think because now I feel bad. I just feel that I am a divorced bitter woman that is stuck on some bastard XH's memories. I feel so little right now. Like I have no respect for myself what so ever.
I just need it all go. I am almost living work and I will get ready for my Happy Hour and my Samba Party. Hopefully one of these days I can find some boyfriend and take myself from this nightmare.
I appreciate you guys input in all these and everyone is right. It takes time and time is something I do not have much, so maybe I need to look ahead and try my life somewhere else. Away from this hell.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
And now he just texted me that he can bring some food for the kids in case they want some.
So the idiot wants to show up at the house. I will leave it to the boys. They can even get their food themselves. We are talking about big guys here, and they have a car on their own now.
Just crazy, uhhhggggggg. Ok, calm down and put my Brazilian spirit in. Tha hell with all of this, I want to be free and dance and drink my beer today.
I had to chuckle because he's really trying and he's in hot pursuit! What I find interesting is that your sons are old enough to answer the question about whether they want their father to bring them food or not.
If you opt to respond, you could always say, "xh, that's a nice offer to bring food, but I don't know if the boys are planning to fix something or go, but you might want to contact them directly and see if they would like for you to bring some food over".
Go out this evening and enjoy yourself. I'm going to just sit back and watch this dance of pursuit/distance continue on.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My thoughts in bil fishing for information is it's a put up job.
So unless you want to run your life and r thru your bil, I caution you stay away and run like hell from being drawn Into that sort of game.
My xh2 was running round questioning others and letting family make Inuits in to our r! It's a terrible place to be the third wheel.
I think you need to listen and say yes that's nice about church but not go as an invite. In fact I would just aim for a time he's not there really. Or this could end up him just keeping your mind in a limbo state.
Is he or isn't he? And this is how your thinking atm, read back. Has he put bil up to ask for a r? Is he asking you to church?
Do you think the ow had to think is he or isn't he asking me out? I doubt it.
Best to act cautious and see how things play out.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Hi Sweetie, it is tough and I want you to really think about what people are posting to you. For me, your peace, harmony and wellbeing are the central thing here. And I think you would need to be more detached in order to interact more with your XH.
The big thing to remember is that he will do what he will do. And if you are in a more detached place, it is possible for you to be with him and observe that without your life descending into mayhem. I don't think you are in that place just yet, because his contact with you is sending you into a spin (which I understand BTW....I know it's hard.)
"I just feel like an idiot thinking about all this F S**t that he writes. Who am I kidding. He was done with me long before he even said that he did not love me anymore.
I need to think because now I feel bad. I just feel that I am a divorced bitter woman that is stuck on some bastard XH's memories. I feel so little right now. Like I have no respect for myself what so ever.
I just need it all go...Hopefully one of these days I can find some boyfriend and take myself from this nightmare....It takes time and time is something I do not have much, so maybe I need to look ahead and try my life somewhere else. Away from this hell."
A couple of comments about what you write above - I think if he was 'done with you' he wouldn't be reaching out in the various ways as he is now. I'm not saying he wants to reconcile either - I think it's early days, but I don't think he is 'done with you.'
Feeling like a divorced and bitter woman focusing on your XH is something for you to think about and own. How you process and deal with what has happened and is happening is up to you, and probably your group (and IC?) can help with this. Having respect for yourself is so much more important than any R in your life. I think it is perfectly possible to respect yourself AND be in touch with your XH as as been suggested. But I think most of your focus should be in moving ahead, I think contact should be 'light' and 'friends' and I think you should be confident about drawing boundaries if you need to.
I understand what you're saying about a new boyfriend - but I don't think that would help at all!! Like many of us, I don't think you're ready for that. I think we all need to lift ourselves up out of any nightmare's and be able to manage our own R's (even if they are difficult ones as you are feeling yours is just now.) I don't think your XH is doing anything disrespectful or awful - I think he is doing some reaching out (and possibly he is still in a rather confused place) - but it doesn't seem unreasonable for you to have a tad more contact with him AS LONG as you can look after yourself in the process...
Have a good think about things and if the contact with him is a little too unsettling, you can gently withdraw or lovingly enforce boundaries (ie: contact the kids direct etc.)
Hope this helps, and I hope you enjoyed some great dancing xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
