Long time

[ciluzen]

I agree with that, as well. It will help you to focus on you (and your daughter's game) and make you more mysterious to him. Draw him to you. Zero expectations though. We're in it for the long haul.

[ciluzen]

oh! And you are doing very well, by the way. You are getting texts and reactions. Sometimes, I believe, even angry, bad reactions to little truth darts or signs of change (180s) are baby steps when followed by our consistant non-initiation of contact. They have no choice but to think of their own behavior when thinking over the incident alone during our silence.

Stay strong and keep DBing!

[Nel]

Thanks, Cil. I really don't feel like I'm doing well. I've really really struggled these past few days....breaking down crying quite a bit. I miss my H so much. I haven't contacted him, yet he has texted me every day but always about financial things.

I went dark last year, and it worked. He missed me. This second time through I just don't think he'll give in to missing me again even if he does. Look at where we are again. He wanted to change his life because he wasn't happy, so he's getting rid of me and he has his new house in a different town, so really he is starting fresh. I am having such a hard time handling this. I just can't get my mind off of him. I'm venting here because I can't talk about this to anyone else.

This weekend I did go to a cancer survivor event. That made me feel grateful that I've been cancer-free for a year and a half. When I remind myself of that it puts things into perspective. But then the hurt and rejection comes back again.

I need help. I'm really struggling and trying to hide it from my D.

Nel

[peacetoday]

Nei

It does hurt a lot
weekly Counseling with a supportive therapist was really helpful for me
group therapy also
self care..one day at a time

Sometimes I would cry in front of my kids back then
it hurt so much
I thought it was ok for them to see me working through my pain..and them I could explain
sometimes I am sad too..and when I cry it helps heal

[ciluzen]

It is perfectly ok to feel those emotions. You have been/are going through so much. And although you want to hide it from your D, its ok for her to know that you hurt, as well, in small doses or short convos. Cry, cry, and yell, and have imaginary angry conversations with H where you tell him all the things you feel. Its part of the process of grieving. Then go back to DBing. Part of DBing is changing things up and seeing if they work.

What does work to get him communicating? Do more. What drives him away? Do less.

You say he texts every day about financial things. Everyday? It sounds like he expects you to answer every time. Try not answering for a few days? Or saying your busy, you'll get back to him? Or maybe say you would rather he write down financial questions and come home for a sit down at scheduled times. Don't be convenient, just nice. Use the power you have (financial answers) to dictate interaction situations. Then show him the woman only a fool would leave.

He is making an effort to go to D's games. Is there a friend that you can attend with? Another parent or group of parents you can sit with? Seeing you sit alone would make him feel "normal" being alone. Seeing you surrounded by others, interacting, having fun would make him feel alone, I would think. Get a reaction. Creative 180's in the only interactions you have.

You ARE doing well, Nel. You are alive and breathing. It is hard to focus on you when you want H and miss him. But when you turn it around finally and think, what would I do with this time if he were on vacation and I wanted to just do things for me, then you can start finding ways to truly focus on you and your needs. Use that to GAL. Once again, you are doing well. Its ok to cry or curl into a ball right now.

[Nel]

Thanks, Cil and Peace. I had a rough couple of days. I decided to finally get a DB coach because I was at a loss as to what to do next. That brought me some internal peace because she agreed with some of the things that I was seeing and feeling about H, and also gave me a new idea to try.

Here is what I'm afraid of with H: He said before that this divorce wouldn't be like his parents (which was very nasty)....that he wanted to be friends and we would always talk about our Ds. He just doesn't want to be married anymore. How do I fight an attitude like this? I don't initiate contact and I rarely see him except at D17s games (which will end next week). When we do see each other and talk, we are both friendly. Financially, we are totally on our own because everything has been split already. So, he already has what he wants...total control and freedom of his own life.

What if he is actually happier without me? This is my biggest fear.

[job]

Nel,

As long as you don't rock his boat and let him dictate to you how things are going to go w/a divorce...of course, it will be different than his parents' divorce and you all could be one happy group of friends because he's getting what he wants. Now, I think you are a very smart lady and she be on her toes about what a divorce entails and what you are entitled to as a spouse and also what your children would be entitled to as well. Don't accept nothing less that what your lawyer and the court system says you are entitled to. Trust me, when he discovers what needs to be done for a divorce and a "fair" settlement, he may very well become nasty.

Learn all you can about what you are entitled to and keep it very close to the vest. He'll promise you the moon if he thinks he can get away w/stuff and once the ink is dry on the paper work, you'll not see much of anything. Make sure everything is written document, signed and sealed by the court.

Will he be happier? He may think so right now...but the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence...except where the septic tank is. Don't worry about his happiness...worry about you and your children's happiness for now. God has a way of taking care of fools, drunks and addicts.

[Nel]

Job-
That's just it...he's been overly generous giving me everything I've needed or wanted. I'm sure to help his guilt and to make himself feel like a "good" guy compared to what his dad did to his mom.

[job]

Nel,
I truly hope that I am wrong, but right now, he feels guilty for what he's doing and w/that being said, he'll be more generous...but look out when you actually sit down and work out the details of the financials and support when the divorce needs this info.

Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones whereby he's generous no matter what. I certainly hope so, but I've seen so many pass through our forum that have generous MLCers at first and when they continue on the path of destruction, they begin to get greedy or when they are hit w/what the state laws require for a divorce, i.e., they change into angry monsters. Again, I hope your h remains generous...but time will tell.

For now, take whatever he gives you and set up an account just in case you need the funds later on.

How are you doing?

[peacetoday]

DEfinitely agree with Job

My xh was very generous at the beginning b4 I realized how much he was wasting and spending on OW
During D he became difficult and angry

Its like they think the money is flowing like rain and will never run out
until it actually does
protect yourself and keep a watchful eye on all the accounts and Credit cards