Been a tough few days. Had my first text interaction with ex yesterday. After spending 2 weeks fighting (and failing) to see my boys over half term, she has asked if my eldest can go to a party that happens to fall on my weekend with them. We do not have an agreement on access, it is being brought to court. There is just a dictation from ex and her L as to when I can see them. This makes me so angry because it is such a familiar feeling, that being anything me ex wanted to happen, became 'right' in her head. Stories, memories, anything like that would always be made to fit into her version. This is so clear now there is distance and NC. Its happened my whole relationship, not just during the break up.
Has anyone seen the Will Smith film, 'I am legend' ? It feels very similar at the moment. Living on auto pilot, isolation, GAL for the sake of keeping to the rules on here but to be honest, I am a spectator of my own life at the moment. I'm tired of feeling sad, I mean really deep down so sad. Not depression just gutted. I had this thought, the stages of loss we all go through, anger, grief, and so on... I don't think we go through them..I think they spin round in turn. They start off fast skipping from one to the other very quickly, then each emotion seems to intensify, stretch out and take longer to revolve round to the next, a bit like a game of chance spinning wheel.
We are nearing the weekend and I still do not know when I will see my boys. My eldest is 10 next week. I imagine I will be kept at arms length for his birthday too. I am hanging on, but it feels like with just 2 fingers on one hand....
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
There use to be another LBH who had two daughters. His ex would schedule something for the girls on his time on a regular basis. He had to let her know that whenever she signed the girls up for any type of activity, it had to be on her time. She could not obligate them when he was scheduled to have the kids.
This is why a father almost has to have some type of legal agreement about the scheduled time with the children. The WW will continue to control his time with them. Your WW has been cruel and punitive. I hope you get something legal working in your favor, soon. ((Keefa))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Here's a question. in UK on 6th March its Mothers Day. traditionally I've always made breakfast in bed, fresh colourful flowers, choc croissants and cards and gifts from my boys.
What do I do this year ? What is considered do'able within detachment ? Do I do nothing but if the boys want to make her something help, after all she chose to leave and if I am the one doing it all is it a bit transparent as its obviously from me and not the boys ? Do I buy a card from them ?
Really unsure on this...Any thoughts ?
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
I agree that it's about the boys doing something for their Mum, but they won't without me either buying a card or helping them make one, they probably wont even realise its Mothers day..... so it becomes ME doing something for their Mum which I don't want to do...
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Give the boys paper and markers/colors and tell them to each make up their own card for Mother's Day. Tell them to trace their hands on paper and put their name and date on it. They can make a fan out of paper, or things along those lines. Let them be creative. You can even put a little snapshot of them on their project or card. Mothers will keep things the kids make for them (especially with their name and date of it). Let them fix something for her breakfast (a bowl of cold cereal, toast, or something microwavable) and let them take it in to her, while you stay out of it (except any supervision they need. Let it appear that a couple of little boys did everything on their own, and she'll love it. These type of memories are usually more precious than some store bought gift.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi all, thanks for the pointers. Sadly Sandi2, When ex moved out, she took almost everything. First thing she went for were the financial files, computer, anything personal, even garden ornaments. One of the few things she left were baby memory boxes. All of them, right from new borns, first day at school, first clay models and so on. These were opened and moved into a different room when she moved out so I know were not just missed. I've often reflected on this and how terribly sad it would feel for me to have the priorities she appears to have. it makes me feel warn knowing if it were reversed, what she chose to leave would be the first thing I would take. I actually ended up doing pretty much what you suggested. I let the boys loose with card and glue and ended up with a messy card that was all their own work. I made sure it went back with them when I dropped them off on Sunday and that is as much as I will do. I thought about flowers as I had always done this on Mothers day but have binned that idea completely. I still feel like I want to do something 'nice' for her. But she is not nice.
She looked haggered, tired, almost ill. But her actions seem be happy that she is divorcing me, it feels fake but I know she will never ever back down and will always believe firmly in what she wants to believe. This brings quite an odd feeling. It makes me wonder again about myself. I have difficulty understanding and keep asking myself, 'I wasn't that bad was I?' Can't seem to shake these feelings. I also feel like I have an abundance of love. When I had the boys over the weekend, there was such an amazing connection or bond between us. I felt happy and content with them and had so much fun. It always leaves me wondering how the hell all this happened.
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
