Sorry to see you in this situation. It [censored] and we are not taught how to handle these when they ocurr which is why it is a good idea to come to sites like this one and learn about yourself, your R, your spouse and your feelings.
I have looked over your posts and get a general feel as to what you are going through.
The advice given is pretty sound, in particular from Sandi and from personal experience she is correct. The other posts telling you to back off are also spot on.
What you have to understand is that you don't understand how women think or act. You also don't know what is going through your W head. She may seem to be not working on the R but if she is serious about making it work then she has a lot of work ahead.
You need to stand down from being so attentative on her. She needs to make those tiny steps on her own. She knows you love her so you dont need to remind her constantly.
She will (if she is working on it) start to make progress and show baby steps. You need to watch for those signs and take them accordingly. Maybe one day she will kiss you when she gets in the car and then maybe wont for a month. She may tell you something secretive and then be introvert for some time afterwars. She may act erratic and change some habits that remind her of the A (a place, an object, etc) or she may talk to you one sec in a lovey dovey way and then talk as if she is upset.
You have to take it in your stride and be honest to her. If something is not right, say it. Speak your mind, with tact, respect and firmness but be open
She has to know you will give your life to save hers but you will also let her walk home if she disrespects you.
The book talks about you and you only. Never set goals for the spouse. They are for you only.
About her writing something, I would say forget it. When the time is right and if she wants to, she will share her feelings with you. Don't force her to and much less in a way you are comfortable with. She is the one that has to be comfortable.
One thing before I forget, leave your M behind. You are not to fix it but start a new R from scratch. For that reason you need to look at yourself (if you have not) and ask what makes a wife who apparently has only good words for her husband get involved? She was lacking something and if you read the books and read enough posts I am sure you will find the answer. (sorry if this was already discussed).
You need to see what went wrong to change that so that it does not show its face again. One thing I have found is that once we fall off our bike we are less afraid the second time. If you do piece your R back together (and remember piecing is damn hard, probably the hardest and most draining) jumping off again for her will be easier. I believe that once the boundary of infidelity has been crossed, going back is much easier and more difficult to catch second time around.
You also need to work on trust. The biggest killer. I think trust is the ultimate expression of forgiveness. If you have really forgiven her and trust her you have a fighting chance. If you havent then your new R is on rocky ground.
I may be off track here but have you ever stopped and looked at her like a woman instead of like a wife? Have you ever complimented her on her appearance and maybe not just on how good she prepared a meal? Have you ever wined and dined her, spent a night at a fancy hotel or gone on the second honeymoon? Have you ever bought her lingerie or had the flower shop surprise her with a rose any day of the year outside the usual dates like valentines or her birthday? Have you ever stared at her in the bedroom when she is undressing or getting ready and when she catches you smile to let her know she has become a prey?
The reason for this is something someone (a woman) once told me some time ago and that was that our spouses need to feel like a woman or a man. Whatever the case.
In my situation I felt that i was not needed by my W except to pay the bills. I never heard a good thing about me from her and physical contact was zero. I can only imagine that I returned the favour and we both fell out as a result.
In short, make her feel like woman, not like your wife. If you get what I mean. Let her do her own sh1t and work her own sh1t out by herself. if she needs you I think she knows where to find you and will.
If she has had a PA she needs to replace the om with you so she needs to start taking that puzzle apart and start putting the new pieces together with your face on it before you two have a chance. even then both of you will still need time and space and there may be moments where a particular location, word, song, etc will bring back memories and you have to bleed it out.
In short and blunt ... don't ask anything from her emotionally.
I would suggest changing those feelings and start getting to know her again and let her get to know the new you. Go to a movie or some place that does not demand intimacy or a long time staring at each other. A place where you can both enjoy and share an experience together.
In my case it was weekend drives into the country where at times we chatted, at times we listened to the music and others we delved in our thoughts. We would also go for ice cream, something we havent done in ages, go to the movies which was also something we hadnt done in ages or go shopping.
I am one of the few guys that enjoys going shopping with my w. it is also a comfortable way of spending hours together without the emotional strain of having to talk for the whole amount. Sometimes she would try something on and come out having put her clothes back on. Later on she would open the door and ask me for her opinion. Sometimes i would suggest something I liked and give it to her to try on. it is about acting like you care and believe me, if you start to participate a little, you begin to see a different side.
I can only speak from experience but going shopping and participating and making it fun did a lot for me. it made us talk about superficial stuff in a lighthearted way. it made us interact in a friendly environment with no pressure on anyone. it made me see her in a different light and her see me in a different way too. It took both our minds off our problems and connected us as friends first. I remember one time I asked her to try on a tight black dress I liked. She did and without asking I gently turned her around and slowly zipped the back up. I missed that moment. When it came to unzip her she gave me her back and lift up her hair without saying a word. That moment to me was priceless and said a lot about where things were going.
Having said that, I still focus on me, dont text her first in general dont overdo the hugs or kisses. I sometimes call her darling and sometimes childish. I suppose it is a bit like leaving your young child to play in the park by themselves. You dont stay too close so they feel your presence but not too far where if something does happen they cant find you. it is finding the correct distance.
Anyway hope to have made sense and wish you all the best.
I will reread to make sure I understand what I just wrote as it is late and I am knackered.
Finding distance, emotionally unhooking, patience, finding things that can keep you mentally positive, finding opportunities to lightly connect (and then not push), all great stuff. Doing those things now.
It truly is like dating again, just with some familiarity.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
You need to interact with her. Each couple is a world unto its own.
What works for one wont for someone else.
Find that which works and apply it. It will be a long and hard road and you will stumble but never lose sight of the final goal.
A word of advice. Be in control. Most of the women I have followed here complained that their husbands were soft, leaned too much on them, handed over too much responsability or control. You take the reigns but with constraint and make her feel secure. Look up to you. Proud of you if you must. Surprise her, dont fall into a routine if you are piecing because it works and you are afraid to change the note. You still get marks for falling on your face if you tried. Being Mr. Safe is not sexy and wont get you marks.
Finally, get sex involved in the piecing in one way or another. She does not want to have sex with you right now but flirt. If she had a PA you know she was f@cking at some stage and most probably not the boring missionary each time so it was on her mind. You now have to make her switch to want to hump you. You wont achieve that by doing the dishes or being mr romantic. Mr. Romantic lets her know you are interested. Mr bad boy gets her to open up and you out of the friend zone.
I can tell you that when I see my wife in Lingerie I am not thinking romantic but instead ... booty. Your work now is for her to offer it to you as she did to someone else.
Haven't been checking emails. I decided to today. Went into the retrieve deleted messages. All kids of loving texts... sexual... F this. I'm done. 3 strikes your out in my book. I don't think I could ever trust again.
Advice on proceeding forward with kids and the house. I will not move out. I can afford to make it work. I deserve more custody of the kids because she never does [censored] with them.
So sick. I really love my wife. But I can never recover from this. I really think I have to cut my losses and move on.
Don't make any decisions. Wait to calm down and get some solid advice from the wise people on here. I know how this hurts. Don't do anything. Don't talk to her. Just wait.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
GoodDad - I certainly hope you haven't acted yet. Going to give you a little insight into the human brain here. We are not programmed to function off of high emotion and high intellect at the same time. They tend to be inversely proportional. Think of all the stupid things we do when we are angry, hurt, or first in love. That is you right now.
Originally Posted By: GoodDad
So sick. I really love my wife. But I can never recover from this. I really think I have to cut my losses and move on.
Yep, I said this in February of last year. Look where I am now. Look at sandi, Tx, all the others here who have recovered from this exact thing. I'm not telling you what to do. It is your choice, but remember that it doesn't necessarily mean it's the end. Really do some deep soul-searching and let your emotions calm before you make this final decision. Post here soon.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Already did some dumb things... Contacted OM spouse. Filled her in. Contacted her brother who she was lying too. Contacted her mom in Mexcio... Yeah... probably over reacted.... Ooops.. At this point I don't Fn care. She has lied to everyone. It's now on her. I will not try to show her my best self and win her back. That didn't work. I'm going with the 180... telling her this is the house her family lives in. This is the families house. Right now the family isn't her priority so she should probably leave until she can decide what her priorities are. I will not beg to have her back after all of this. I have been so good to her. This is on her now. I think odds are good she will just say she wants out and I don't see trying to stop her at this point. Sorry if that's not the DB way.
Already did some dumb things... Contacted OM spouse. Filled her in. Contacted her brother who she was lying too. Contacted her mom in Mexcio... Yeah... probably over reacted.... Ooops.. At this point I don't Fn care. She has lied to everyone. It's now on her. I will not try to show her my best self and win her back. That didn't work. I'm going with the 180... telling her this is the house her family lives in. This is the families house. Right now the family isn't her priority so she should probably leave until she can decide what her priorities are. I will not beg to have her back after all of this. I have been so good to her. This is on her now. I think odds are good she will just say she wants out and I don't see trying to stop her at this point. Sorry if that's not the DB way.
That other "180" you were doing rarely works. They don't really give a sh*t about your best self. This new 180 you're describing is the real one. The irony of it is that now that you're really done and you're the one who demands a divorce, now is when she'll really want you because she can no longer have you. If you really don't want her back at this point then don't fall for that because she'll get desperate and do anything. Wild crazy sex, whatever. BTW, go ahead and take her up on the wild and crazy sex, you deserve it, but don't let it cloud your judgment and I'd recommend safe sex since you're not exactly sure who all she's been with.
Contacted OM spouse. Filled her in. Contacted her brother who she was lying too. Contacted her mom in Mexcio... Yeah... probably over reacted.... Ooops.. At this point I don't Fn care. She has lied to everyone. It's now on her. I will not try to show her my best self and win her back. That didn't work. I'm going with the 180... telling her this is the house her family lives in. This is the families house. Right now the family isn't her priority so she should probably leave until she can decide what her priorities are. I will not beg to have her back after all of this. I have been so good to her. This is on her now. I think odds are good she will just say she wants out and I don't see trying to stop her at this point. Sorry if that's not the DB way.