Things are getting better people are commenting on my changes and noticing im bouncing back. Thats good to hear it gives me a bit of an ego boost
Im still in no contact, ive been reading a few site s about relationships and came across a study " does divorce make people happy" and its a bit of an eye opener.
The few things ive learnt along the way are I need to set boundaries and not to try fixing everything Im not responsible for other peoples behaviour only my own Txt messaging is not an appropriate means of communication I need to get better at not engaging in arguments and resolving conflict better Validation and empathy
Like everyone i would like to make my marriage work i believe we could have worked things out . Im not going to act needy or be plan b , im a person i have great qualities and faults like everyone else Michele in twitter wrote something along the lines that people are a package deal and that a new partner will bring with a different set of problems.
Im still in no contact, ive been reading a few site s about relationships and came across a study " does divorce make people happy" and its a bit of an eye opener.
Well, what was the verdict? Does it make people happier?
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Happiness comes from accepting reality and being appreciative for what we have.
Oftentimes we are miserable because we have the illusion that happiness comes from changing our environment to get everything we want. When something catastrophic comes along outside of our control it can force us to work on ourselves and find peace, not because we want reality to be how it is, but because there is nothing we can do about it and we are forced to face that.
Divorce, loss of a loved one, all types of rock bottoms. They can be the catalyst of profound personal growth. We learn unconditional happiness, because if our happiness was conditional upon our environment we'd never be happy again because the loss is so great.
Does that mean then that divorce makes people happy? No more to me than the loss of a child, or being paralyzed. We can use those losses as the wake up call to appreciate what we have left. But there is nothing inherently good about the destruction of a family.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It seems somehow that you have gotten the impression that I am just sitting here a crying blubbering blob that doesn't try to do anything to better myself of change at all
Not at all. You are rowing hard. I just want to make sure you are rowing the right direction. The list of GAL and 180s is amazing. Tip of the hat. You're right, you do have to keep moving forward, and this is inspiring. Keep it up!
When I say rowing the right direction, I always think back to 'are these the issues that caused WAS to leave?' I mean, we can change our hair color, wardrobe, and hobbies, but is that really where we should focus? That is why I was asking about your contributions to the breakdown of the M. 25years always says: No spouse ever returns to a marriage unless they are convinced it can be better than the one they left.
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If anyone is still reading this, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm trying to save this. The thing is, he wasn't like this before. I know he's troubled and frustrated and taking it out on me. But, this isn't how he was. I am hoping that when he works through his MLC and stops blaming me and making me the bad guy, that he will be the person that I married instead of this angry resentful cheating person that he has become.
I'm not wondering. I'll say it until I'm blue in the face: There isn't a married person in the world that couldn't write 10 pages that would convince anyone that their spouse was crazy and they should file for divorce. Everyone deserves a better partner. Seriously. We are all flawed. Married people simply decide to appreciate their partner's good qualities instead of focusing on their problems and imperfections.
As for the second part, I get what you're saying, you hope he changes. Just remember one thing- he's feeling more defeated than you are, and he's hoping YOU change. Not your hair style. But something he felt he couldn't live with anymore.
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My part in the breakdown of the marriage and what could I have done differently? I allowed my codependent behaviors to turn me into his doormat and cause him to loose respect for me. I didn't have clear boundaries and still don't I think I could have made him feel more appreciated and needed. VALIDATION at that point would have been awesome
This is really the most important thing I've seen you post yet. This is getting down to brass tax. This is where you move the needle. Recognizing specifically where you behaved in ways that he couldn't live with. Boundaries and validation are good, but I think you nailed it with appreciation/feelings of importance.
Now turn that blue sentence into 5-10 threads of hundreds of posts digging deeper into it. I'm not kidding.
How did you show appreciation? Where did you fall short? Why? What did H look for in terms of feeling appreciation (love languages)? Did he tell you he didn't feel needed or appreciated? Did he tell you what he needed from you to feel this? Was this why he left?
You really skimmed over this part, and this is the part your WAH could've written 10 pages on about YOU. So I'd seriously ask you to keep the focus on this little section until you have written a book on the subject and are a different person.
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Eventually, I just really needed to get my kids out of that situation though....and, I just needed some peace in my life.
I'm confused here. Is this what you told yourself when you left? You say you shouldn't have left...but then you defend it? But then you're upset that he's not interested in reinvesting in the marriage? I can't tell if you're saying you were wrong to leave because it isn't right to split a family, or if you're saying you are free to do whatever you think will make you happy but it just didn't work out the way you wanted.
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MB- I am not attacking. I promise you have my admiration for being on these forums and for putting the work in your are putting in. No need to remind me that 99% of other people don't do this, and most women would be shacking up with OM#11 by now. I get it. I do. Just remember, I wouldn't be here writing this all out if I didn't recognize your sincerity and effort. No, this doesn't mean I'm some gift to DBers. I am one of us MB. That is all. As my dad says, just another suffering fool. You asked for my thoughts, so I am steering you as best I can to the area I think will make the biggest impact on your sitch. Keep rowing and hang in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
