1st time - Do I detach or keep showing her my best

[GoodDad]

Ok... I know I just made a long post but I'm not sure if I'm clear where I am at. Am I at the, I know what I want, ask for what I want stage? Do I set some goals? Or am doing the 180? Or both?

I was told earlier to set goals for myself, but the book makes it sounds like you set small goals for your spouse that are measurable and watch for progress.

I would love for her to write me some kind of letter... put some thoughts on paper... apology, feelings, doubts, concerns, hopes, dreams... anything.. I just want her to think about those things.

I would love for her to reengage in our family life, instead of being so detached.

Those would be a couple big things. Can I ask for those? Or should I be doing a 180 and backing way off for a while.

My counselor seems to think just giving her time and space will help her. But he also says it's a delicate balance where she still needs to know I love her. Seems simple enough. ugh.

So if she is saying postive things... Saying she wants our marriage... but nothing real specific... can I ask something of her? I would love to do some bonding activities but she might not be ready. Can I express that to her... Hey, I love what you are doing and that is enough for now, but when you are ready I would like to try some things to get us closer? IDK what to do.

Number 1 thing I know I need to do is relax and focus on me... I get that. I am trying. But is that enough for now? I hate that I feel like I'm playing a game. I love my wife. I would do anything for her. Why does it have to be so complicated? Ugh.

[Cadet]

Or should I be doing a 180 and backing way off for a while.

I agree with your counselor, back off.
Will merge this with your thread.

Please stick to one thread until 100 posts.

You are at 61 right now.

[Squiggy]

I don't have much time to respond right now, because I have someone coming into my office shortly.

You are correct. You need to relax and focus on you. It is going to be complicated, because it is not like a computer program or game with set rules. Affairs of the heart and human relationships are murky, messy things with entirely too many factors to categorize, accurately predict, or garner specific responses. Work on what you have control over.

Now, an example of this is to answer the other questions you are struggling with. First, stop trying to push your wife. Even if you are not actively doing it IRL, you ARE doing it here, and that could bleed over to RL. My advice, given the current state of your R, is to LEAD her back to the family and the MR with no pressure. Remember the Valentine's idea? That's a great example. It's family oriented, you get to show your best side, and it brings you all together to show her what life can be like. Think of activities you can do together that are the foundation of relationships, something even as simple as washing the dishes together, cooking together, taking the kids somewhere.

[GoodDad]

Ok... this is the reassurance I need... I am seeing positive things from her. I do know she needs time. I'm just a stubborn fixer. Doing things for others is so natural for me. Protecting herself is so natural for her. Both related to upbringing.

I will back off and be patient. I just need to hear it from someone other than the crazy voice in my head.

Speaking of that? People say trust your gut. How can I tell the difference between what my gut is saying and what my crazy head is saying? I know if I listened to my crazy head I would have done lots of dumb things.

Thanks again... I can get through today and that's the plan.

Btw... what's the deal with 100 posts?

[Squiggy]

Client is late. Good thing for you

Put the fixer to the side. Seriously, stop it! Hard thing to do, I know, but it'll cause you many problems. She has her own battles to face.

In my experience, the difference between gut and crazytown is that my gut doesn't waffle.

No need to thank me. Just another person here who has decided to keep an eye on you. One day at a time, and keep posting here before you do anything based off of crazytown.

[sandi2]

I may be the least likely to say anything to give you encouragement today. You have every right to feel what you are feeling today. As you said, you weren't the one who strayed from the M. You have been the faithful spouse, yet you feel as though you are the one having to do the hard work.....instead of her. It doesn't seem fair.

This is a choice you make every day. You do not have to one thing, if you don't want to do it. As I was reading your post, I thought back to my H and wondered if he felt that I was doing nothing to make things better, or to show how sorry I was for what I had done, or to make it up to him. Considering the state I was in, he must have seen a woman who appeared to have given up and was doing nothing to help heal the MR. Outwardly, I'm sure it seemed I was not doing very much.

Each of you have a work to do.....if you want the M to succeed and get beyond this point. Your work is completely different from her work. It is a free choice for each of you. Every day you can choose to do the hard lifting to put this M back together, or you can choose to be bitter and live in a state of resentment and suspicion.........or even decide to end the M. Nobody is forcing either of you to do what you don't want to do.

Actually, this is a very common phase a LBS experiences. So, feel free to vent all you want or need. Just keep in mind that whatever you decide........it is a choice. It wasn't your choice for what your W did, but your response is up to you.

[Cadet]

Btw... what's the deal with 100 posts?

The protocol on this forum is to try to keep each thread at 100 posts.

It makes it a little easier to go back and read someones threads or for you to go back and read your own threads.

Someone can see the advise you have been given and follow along a lot easier.

You can change the title within a thread if you desire.

Thank you for your cooperation.

[GoodDad]

Well then I do need to thank you. I need all the eyes on me I can get right now.

Just reread Do Nothing and 180... Not sure which approach to take. I go back to Sandi's list. I think that's a pretty good reference point. Would you agree?

Good point on gut not waffling.

I guess I'm at the point where I have to trust what she is saying and doing and be patient... if I get burned... then I can worry about that.

Is it normal/smart to be thinking about the back up plan if she decides she is done? Or is that just attracting negativity? I like what you said about what I'm doing here possibly bleeding over into RL.

I know I'm whining but I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I do believe it will be worth it in the end, but this is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever been through.

[GoodDad]

Thank you Sandi... I realize it is a choice. I realize that is the greatest power I have is to make choices. I am choosing to fight for my M until she says she absolutely is done. I believe deep in my heart that we can come through this. My counselor made the comment on how bizarre our situation was to him. He said he can't remember a couple who (when being talked to individually) spoke so highly of the other person. He said he has never her us once complain about each other. I believe it's because we have something very good, but she is just in a very weird place mentally. I think she is confused and scared, but knows she loves me. I think possibly she's starting to see all the damage she has caused.

I just wish I had a specific road map of things I need to do. What are things that will help and what are things that push her away? I hate being a mind reader. Does backing off mean not doing the daily nice things I do like make her lunch or get her water bottle ready, start her car. Tell her to go take a bath while I get the kids to bed? I know she appreciates that stuff and she says it. But is it hurting my cause?

[Squiggy]

You're not whining! You're thinking and protecting yourself

Do nothing and 180? Both. Really think about that. Do nothing is more about not trying to fix her or push the issue. 180s are for improving yourself, which you can, and always should, be doing while "Doing Nothing".

Your wife is a scared little birdie in the palm of your hand. The more you push or try and fix, the more likely she is to flit away. This is why I stressed that you create the environment that promotes healing. Guess where that comes from. Working your 180s.

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My mother got sick and tired of hearing how sick and tired of being sick and tired I was.

"Is it smart/normal?" The more appropriate question to ask is whether or not it is helping you move forward to a detached, strong, and confident position. The decision on if and when is in your hands.