My sister was 16 and I was 10 years old when she was killed instantly in a car accident. I wasn't there but I answered the phone when the hospital called to talk to my parents.
They didn't tell us she had died until after we had driven to the hospital.
My parents were a mess. My mom was tranuilized for a year and suffered panic attacks. My dad started working 80 hour work weeks. I remember strangers always at the house bringing us food and tucking me and my brother into bed.
I developed a seperation anxiety. I felt anxious everytime my parents left the house, I thought they were going to die. Eventually my anxiety became so bad, I needed to be home schooled for a year.
I ended up spending 3 months in-patient in a childrens psychiatric hospital for depression/anxiety issues at the age of 11. I remember feeling abandoned by my parents when they dropped me off but I know they had no choice.
Eventually I overcame those issues until I started dating. I would form very intense bonds with my girlfriends. Very codependent relationships. Some were worse than others. These relationships made me feel safe, they filled a void in me.
WAW was an occasional binge drinker. She didn't need to get hammered every night but she would definately drink to excess occasionally and had issues with her jobs, relationships etc as a result.
She went to rehab and seemed to do very well. She completed the program and remained sober for at least 9 months. The only issue was she HATED AA. She felt it was just a repeat of all the other meetings. She couldnt connect with the toothless, run down, haggard alcoholics that had been there for 30 years.
She basically quit going to AA and remained sober. Then we split up the first time. She was struggling with her sobriety and it was causing lots of fights. She left me and we basically went NC for 2 months. I was a mess.
We got back together and started piecing. We decided to live apart for 11 months and see each other every weekend. Little did I know, she was drinking Mon-Fri after work. She claims she never got drunk and that it wasn't even every day. Honestly I dont know how much of that is true.
She told me this a few weeks ago and I went off on her. I cussed and screamed and acted crazy. I felt she had betrayed me in a big way. I was planning our future and saving money for our house. I was also going to counseling and working on my issues. She did nothing but drink and hide it from me.
Now we are here. I haven't heard from her in a week since she came to the house to grab some clothes, not a peek.
She did post a photo on Facebook last night with an old girlfriend she used to party with back in the day. I have no idea if she's relapsed or not.
I struggle with feeling like she threw me out like a piece of garbage. Easily discarded so she could pursue her life the way she intends to live it. And I'm left to pick up the pieces, probably sale our house and move back to my hometown about 45 minutes away.
I would love to give little Thornton the greatest V bear hug and hold him until he has cried his grief over and over and over.
This wonderful loving little boy lost his sister and his mum and dad to their grief. It is little wonder than you feel abandoned, you were abandoned in your grief. Nowadays grief like this would be tackled in a very different way. In those times everyone did the best they could, benign neglect of a sensitive loving child. And that does not make this right not at all. Those adults let you down very much so. And it is not in any way at all your fault.
I think of the part of you locked in grief and loss as a lost boy, one of Peter Pans crew. I am admiring that you have parented yourself so well.
Many children who have had these ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) would have much more damaging issues. You can test your ACE score on ACES too high and it would be good to know your score and resilience.
My loving and special Thornton you have given me much to think about. I need to think about this and reread your threads. I hope that is ok.
I will be back to discuss this with you and with compassion I want to say from one FOO affect child part I call funny bunny to another I call lost boy, there is healing to come.
There will be shift, this pain can be felt and released. This stuck grief can be turned into a positive force in healing.
My first thoughts are that your feelings are not fear or anxiety, they are stuck grief which is entirely different.
I also don't see anything messed up, I see a little lost boy in grief without the care of those around him to enable him to have the tools to cope. It is no wonder you had separation anxiety and it was neither fair nor right that the adults around you didn't step up to the plate to help you through this grief. I can see how and why and can rationalise it and validate it and that doesn't make it ok. It isn't ok, not in any way.
From what I already know there is nothing wrong with lost boy, absolutely totally nothing that isn't explicable by the Kubler Ross Grief cycle being 'stuck'. There is going to be a lot of shift for Thornton, I just absolutely know that facing the pain and saying your story will unfurl the denial. Your IC will really help too.
Please can you give me space to think and marinade.
In the meanwhile you have my best care and concern.
Hugs and healing
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I will be attending another al-anon meeting tonight. I feel like I'm getting stuck on the obsessing about WAW.
Granted I'm early in my sitch but I'm worried I can get stuck here if I'm not careful.
I feel like perhaps I'm being foolish for holding out hope for a reconciliation with WAW granted this is the 2nd time in 18 months that she's left. I also feel foolish for wanting someone back who lied to me for 11 months while I worked my ass off to be a better partner.
Met some really great people from all walks of life at the new support group I tried tonight.
Many shared their stories of pain and triumph. It really helps put things into perspective when you think about it.
I'm working on surrendering to what is. I have zero control over WAW or her thoughts. I've been living in fear of whatever path she ultimately decides to take. I have gained nothing by worrying and obsessing and losing sleep over it.
Yes,it hurts like hell. No, it won't kill me. Yes, I can move past this. No, it won't be easy.
Tomorrow is a new day. A reset. I'll focus on being grateful for something in my life and force a smile if I have to.
That is an incredibly helpful outlook, Thornton, and it will give you strength. I admire your courage.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I am relieved your AlAnon went well, spouses and loved ones who attend these groups have much to offer in terms of reaching serenity.
You can stand for your R. Of course you know from your meeting that you are dealing with the addiction imp, so standing is complex and we have the extra complication of stick grief.
I still attend Gamanon every week, a group I helped to set up. It could just as easily have been AlAnon. Gradually it helps until one day the confusion is less. Addicts lie, it is part of it until they truly want change.
That may not make it easier. I recommend you make the adjustments to FB that you need so the knowledge of your gf isn't thrown at you.
Big hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I was actually able to sleep a little bit last night and it makes a huge difference. I'm not floating around in a haze today. So thankful.
I still miss WAW tons. We've been NC since Monday of last week. Mornings are usually the hardest for me, I'm not sure why. Maybe its just waking up and realizing my reality.
I really wish I could rush the detachment process but I know its something that will take time and probably isn't linear.
Good - see you're improving already - even if it is just a little. I can't remember which poster it was who had a full morning routine - Mutatio maybe?
It included a little journaling, yoga, meditation and gratitude - and he said that really set him up for the day. Plus we have Caliguy who always made his bed. Maybe if you are awake and dwelling on things you could try one of the above? Even if you just spend 10 mins - 3 things I'm grateful for and a few yoga stretches? I can recall meditating in the early morning and thinking it was a pretty good way to spend that time you are awake anyway.
Glad you got a bit more ZZZzzz - as you say, it does help...
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just when I start to feel a little relaxed, a memory will come flooding back, or a reminder of WAW and the cycle repeats. I'll get anxious and then feel lonely and sad.
I really have to fight hard to not let it consume me.
Thanks for sharing the early morning routines with me, I'll see if I can implement something like that.
Same here Thornton. Everytime it creeps in I move to a different room or turn on the tv and channel hop. Sometimes it takes hours and I cry but it passes. I've been painting my rooms. Just to change things. It has given me a purpose, made me tired so i get a bit more sleep, it's symbolising change, it's new and different. It had mindfulness and some clarity. Hang in there bud. The now is not the forever...
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
