After 8 years of marriage, 4 months ago, my W told me she wanted the big D. MWD's description of a WAW syndrome is the exact picture of my W and my response. I've been emotionally aloof, hyper-critical/judgmental, non-complimentary, unsympathetic, inconsiderate, and generally not there when W needed me for most of our R. W is not very assertive and I steamrolled her opinion on several really big career/financial/family decisions in the last couple years. I was self-absorbed; over the years my interests/goals became the priorities and her interests became less and less relevant. I was so rude to her in front of friends that those friends vowed never to hang out w/ her again if I was around. She tried for a long time to fix things...I was oblivious and/or defensive. This summer, I thought things had gotten better...she was just withdrawing and plotting her exit strategy.
W went on a week-long vacay to visit 4 friends. None of the 4 friends were happily married - 2 were recently divorced, 1 was getting divorced, and 1 was living in a miserable marriage. Bomb dropped day after she got back! I'm not saying her friends talked her into it...they just provided her the catalyst/courage she needed to drop the bomb.
I so wish I'd found DB 4 months ago; I feel like I've not only wasted 4 months, but potentially foreclosed any chance of reconciliation by breaking the majority of the DB rules. I've pursued. I've reasoned. I've pointed out the good things. I've changed and pointed out my change. I've asked for dates. I've guilt-tripped. I've asked for reassurances and talked about our R - a lot! About the only things I didn't do were to contact her friends/family, engage in any arguments, or sink into the bar scene.
We went to 4 sessions of "discernment counseling" so W could determine if D is actually what she wanted. She determined it was. Then another counselor, after one visit, shockingly gave W confirmation that separation was best. In a way, I feel asserting so adamantly that we need a D is the ultimate attempt to regain the voice she's been lacking in our R.
I read 5 Love Languages, Love Sense, Hold me Tight, and several other books.
I renewed my relationship w/ God and have been praying hard for God to soften my W's heart and to save my marriage. I've been very careful not to throw God in W's face.
I've come to love W more than ever. I've noticed and/or taken stock of things I'd been taking for granted our entire R. She's an amazing woman and I don't deserve her, but I still want to save my marriage.
I made all the changes she'd ever asked for (and, unfortunately, pointed them out to her). She saw the change as not genuine, only temporary, and ultimately a manipulation tactic. She also saw the changes as a slap in the face - if I am capable of changing, why didn't I do it years ago...if I loved her, I would've done it years ago.
She asked for space - to stop doing specific things that overwhelmed/smothered her...I stopped those things...she asked for more space - new things that overwhelmed/smothered her...I stopped those things...rinse/repeat.
About 2 months ago, things seemed to be improving (she held my hand, gave me a couple of small kisses, talked about future plans together, etc.), but then (for no apparent reason) total regression and a reinvigorated demand that I move out.
I stayed at the house until 2 weeks ago to give some space between Xmas and telling our kids (7, 5, 2). Telling the kids that I wasn't going to live there anymore was a horrific experience...so much so that I'm convinced there's no way W will ask me to move back in until she's 1,000% convinced we will never have to have that excruciating conversation with the kids again!!!
I'm living in a very small apt. W and 3 kids are living in the house. Our arrangement is that I stay w/ the kids every other weekend and she takes a trip. I also take our oldest to practice 2x per week. So, we have regular interaction that's unavoidable (can't go completely dark).
In March, W and kids are going on a vacay for 2 weeks to the in-laws'. I originally guilt tripped about not getting to go. Now, she's invited me for the last 3 days of the trip (I believe a bit begrudgingly) - to spend time w/ the kids.
W has stated she "wants to want us, but just can't get there." I know that W is still attracted to me (although doesn't desire me sexually), there is no OP, and she still has strong emotions for me. She just doesn't think that she can be happy w/ me and that I can't love her the way that she deserves. She also doesn't think she can ever get past the hurt and expectations that my behavior has conditioned her for over the last 8+ years.
I was starting to give up hope, but found DB a few days ago. DR arrived in the mail yesterday.
Any tips on next steps (I'm starting DR tonight and I've been slowly making it through the commonly recommended threads on DB)?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Since I failed miserably to give her space for the 4 months between the bomb and separation, my concern is that when I give her space now, she'll assume it's exclusively the result of me not being in the house rather than any concerted effort on my part ... thus validating her decision to separate and ultimately divorce.
Fortunately, my state requires 12 months of separation before D.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
From what I have read on here, seems like is easier to DB while living separately. You will have plenty of chances for interaction because of the children. Use that gift of time you have.
I'm trying to figure out if detaching really fits my situation, and if so what it would look like. From my perspective, me unintentionally detaching (along w/ living apart for 2 years due to our jobs) is largely what got our R to where it is; I wasn't there physically or emotionally when W needed me. I feel like I need to be attentive and loving w/o being smothering - to the extent that is possible when not living in the same house.
For example, I'm at the house 2 nights a week to pick up/drop off my S for practice. I'm also at the house every Saturday to watch 2 kids while W takes D to practice, and then to watch all 3 kids while W exercises.
Some other things I've been doing for W: -taking out the trash when I drop S off after practice once a week -doing any laundry that W has when I'm at the house all weekend every other week (my apartment is too small for kids to come there, so I come to the house and W takes a trip)
We also text about kids (coordination, videos of memorable moments, etc.) and other non-R things.
I plan to meet W and kids for the last few days of a 2 week vacay (at my in-laws') in March. I offered (and W accepted) to drive her and kids to airport - 4 hours away - for the trip.
Finally, I plan to get W a gift for Valentine's Day. Not something mushy - just a couple of thoughtful things she's mentioned needing, but wouldn't otherwise buy them for herself. I was going to put a simple, handmade card w/ the gift that said, "Happy Valentine's Day" and nothing else.
Do any of these actions/plans seem inappropriate or potentially harmful given my situation?
So...it's kind of getting to crunch time on the V-day gift. I've been thinking strongly about getting W the bicycle she's been wanting for quite some time (so she can ride around the neighborhood w/ the kids). I would attach a note that simply says, "Happy Valentines Day" and leave the bike in the garage.
