I think the only time to get involved is if it directly affects you. If 'shared ownership' means S (you) would sometimes have the dog (and you don't want a dog) you can make your decision known.
I would agree that she is trying to make herself more attractive to S by having a dog. She doesn't realise that for the R to improve, she would need to repair at a deeper level. She's looking for an external addition (dog) to try and fix things.
I'm sure your S can see the situation for what it is. If your S asks for your view - you can always tell him 'I guess it's up to your Mum if she wants to get a dog.'
Hope this helps a little
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
S and I had a chat about dog idea. He is sharp and knows why W suggested it. He said he'd talk with Mum so I assume he has. I haven't brought up the matter again. I have virtually NC with W. Last Tuesday she texted me about a finance issue and signed off with a kissy face emoticon. I wished her a good day and since then nothing. S met mum one lunchtime for a quick meal.I've started my cooking course and played a bit of soccer last Thursday ( still recovering!). Friday night I ate with sis-in-law and some of her friends. We didn't talk about W and I was friendly, funny and welldressed so if they talk W will know I'm doing OK. S and I have spent a quiet weekend watching sport, he saw friends etc. I know nothing about her and am trying to live from day to day but I miss her lots. Resisting the temptation to be the friend she wants. I know four months is nothing but finding the NC hard, I'm lucky to have a great R with S but I wish the W was here to share our lives. Miss her and don't know how long I can keep going without giving in and being her best friend, let her have her cake. Only the risk of losing S's respect stopping me.
"Miss her and don't know how long I can keep going without giving in and being her best friend, let her have her cake. Only the risk of losing S's respect stopping me."
I understand how you feel here and I think this is about accepting the loss of the old M and grieving for it. If you 'give in' and enter 'best friend' zone - I think you endorse her view that 'this was best for everyone - look we're all great with this.' I don't imagine that's what you want. Her complaining to you that OM is being a bit mean etc. H started doing this to me and I drew a firm line under 'friend and confidante.' Realised that was a role I didn't want to play.
Please let your own respect for yourself govern your actions here (tho I'm sure S's view helps things along.) It sounds like you are doing well with GAL - good for you. Please pour your heart and soul into your own lives and keep moving solidly forward. I think this may bring a better chance of your W turning back than you being a BF and 'supporting' her destructive choice. But - she isn't the focus here - you are and if she doesn't have second thoughts, you will have built a rich new life anyway.
You're doing so well - you've got this my friend :)x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto. I'll try to keep strong, your advice means a lot. It is good to have this forum to vent on.I've got a few work pressures, parents trying to plan family weddings in the summer, when to visit us etc and all I want to do is just live in the day to day. Also long term planning seems to be a recognition W won't be back, something I know in my heart to be true but it still hurts to face up to it. When she left she said she'd be whatever I wanted, when she sees me she still hugs me and gives me affectionate kisses on the lips so I think it is best to keep the NC going.
Tomorrow I'll have to have some email contact with W for first time in two weeks. We haven't seen each other since meeting accidentally at concert 15th January. I'm wondering how to reply if she asks about the lack of contact. (quite likely) Is it a good idea to admit I'm giving her space for her R, to work on my life etc? She has always wanted to be "friends". I don't want to appear to be sulking or acting like an idiot. Just wondering.
Hi Scrant, no definitely don't say you're giving her space for her R. In fact don't make the lack of contact about her at all. Just tell her you've been really busy lately. You could then breeze on to mention about the footie team - or dinners out, cooking classes etc...nothing OTT, but just conveying the message (by your email demeanour - not overtly) that if she wants to be in a R with someone else, you're certainly not going to put your life on hold.
If you have any concerns about how to respond by email, wait a little while and post here for advice first.
Hope your GAL activities are going well my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto, I will think carefully before any reply. Who knows, maybe there won't be one!I've had a few days of doubt but I've come to a moment of clarity which I'm going to try to follow as it makes me feel more at ease. I'm only responsible for me. I will feel emotions of jealously, anger, grief, sadness etc. They are fleeting moments which can only hurt me if I choose to let them. If I choose to think about her, to rethink the past, speculate on the present and imagine the future, it will only hurt and distress me. It is time to let go, forgive the past and live in the now. Time to love myself, to do things which I enjoy and find interest in the mundane moments of each day. Time to apply mindfulness in all areas of my life. Time to recognise moments of anxiety, stress etc for what they are and then move on. I cannot be defined by these problems and emotions. I can embrace work, solitude, friendship and family in a way which finds peace and happiness in unexpected ways. To be strong enough to say no when needed but to be open and loving to all. To enjoy each moment of the day for what it is. What will be will be. If she wants a different relationship in the future, we'll see what I want and feel then. If she never returns, then I hope I'll be enjoying my life in other ways. She can not have any more influence over my mind anymore. Contact can be kind, friendly and loving but then back to my life and my happiness. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but it helps me!
Been busy with work and maintaining the NC with W. We haven't had any contact for a couple of weeks and haven't seen each other for a month. Just received a text saying "Hi how are you? It's been a long time since I've heard from you." I don't want to come across a jerk so I don't know how to reply without falling into the trap of reassuring her that I'm still here as best friend. I'm not interested in asking for her news either as I don't want to know about OM. She's texted now because she's working. I'm tempted to reply when I know that she is at home with OM. Would that be petty?
