Thank you for your help and support. It has been a weird day... I'm stressed but feel stronger than I would have a month or 2 ago. I suppose that's a good sign. But anxiety is high for sure. I have received several texts from her already. I try to keep my responses short and positive. She asked how my day was going and I said awesome with a winking face. She responded... I love you. Now I just got a pic of grandpa... who I adore btw. Great man. Wish he knew... he would talk some sense into her. He's been a father figure to her.
I like the idea of having a positive talk when she gets home. And recognizing that it probably hasn't been easy for her to end things. I have been good about saying that. I know it's not easy for her.
I'm so torn... I know she wants our life... but I know she is scared we will never have passion or spark... I wish she would read more and look inside herself more and learn about more mature love and how we can have all we want. Ugh. I know we are a ways from that... I just need her to be strong and get over the OM. Call me Mr. Positive though.
Good thing I have an apt with my therapist tonight. I always feel better after that. Then I will take the kids out to a place mom wouldn't be interested in going to like the Chinese buffet and they will love that.. I'm trying to look for the good in the day.
No question this will be one of those days where there is one set of footprints in the sand and they won't be mine.
Yeah, that's great advice too. I'll just stick with being Mr. Positive and super dad. Seems to be what she likes to see the best. I did leave all the laundry for her this weekend. She did it all of it like it was no big deal. I need to let her do more. It will be better for both of us. Plus I've backed way off on the ILUs and attempts to hug or cuddle. I'm a slow learner.
Agree with Tx. She is taking the steps. You keep the road paved, take your anxiety out here and in IC, and keep those kids happy and smiling. Maybe you could plan some low-key, stree-free activity for when she returns? Some sort of a "I knew we'd be ok" thing. Let her return with your arms open.
She will learn about love in time. I don't know if she would be up for it, but I would recommend Retrouvaille once you guys get a little bit more successes under your belt. It has a whole section devoted to mature love and how to create passion.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Great idea on the stress free activity... any suggestions... I might just give her time to take a bath... she likes that and would appreciate that. I'd offer to join her but that would probably not be as appealing to her.
Assuming Retrouvaille is a book?
I've read so many books and a couple I would love for her to read, but I'm not pushing for any of that until she is ready. We have a jar with questions that we draw from every night and she seems to be enjoying that. Only takes us like 5 minutes and its positive talk where we surprising learn new stuff about each other all of the time.
Ok... you guys are great... I'm real upbeat rather than dwelling on the worst case scenario. I haven't been real productive at work, but I didn't expect to be anyway today.
Going back to something Sandi asked... She knows I have access to her phone, email... she no longer has a pass code on her phone. She could have an alternate web email, but there have been no record of calls or texts. I'm not crazy but I did search her car and purse the other day looking for a prepaid phone or something like that. I found nothing. I can't keep checking though. I feel like I'm going to have a stroke when I do.
Yes, Retrouvaille is a program that starts with a weekend followed by post sessions. They have a website you can look up, and it's been discussed on these forums (where I learned about it) many times before.
Quote:
I feel like I'm going to have a stroke when I do.
You just might. I can't tell you exactly when it is safe or best for you to start letting go of the fear, but it is something you need to work through. It's part of keeping the road smooth. If she thinks you are going to constantly hold the A over her head, she will never be 100% back in the MR.
GoodDad, I truly hope this works out well for you. There seems to be a lot of hope in your sitch. Do not stop, even for one second, DBing the hell out of your sitch. It'll be worth it in the end. I promise.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Some of you have followed my story... In short... W had EA and as far as I know it's been over for 4 weeks. She says she loves me and wants our marriage to work. I know she feels emotionally detached from me, but still sees all the good in me and our life and wishes she felt more of a connection. She continues to say there has been no contact (I don't ask often). She is showing signs of affection (non sexual) and says she feels terrible for how I am feeling, knowing she caused it.
I'm not sure whether to believe that she has cut things off. There are always ways to be in contact if she wanted. Nothing on phone records, nothing obvious on emails (but that can be deleted)... seems to be interested in keeping me posted on her actions.
Our counselor said she's either a great liar or that she is sincere about loving me and wanting our marriage to work. I just cant get over the fact that there were so many lies. I woke up in a cold sweat last night with crazy anxiety. I got up and took something to relax... she asked if I was ok. I wanted to say yep... I'm good... but I said no. She asked what's up. I said I just had a dream about your brother telling me you were still in contact and it seemed very real. She said she has not been in contact and tried to comfort me. I asked if it was getting easier and she said yes. I want to believe her so bad. I seem to ignore some of the positive things she does and read into tiny things she says. I hate the paranoia felling.
The problem is I don't know what is my best course of action...
My counselor says just keep showing her your best. That she feels smothered and forced to show me love, when she should want to feel like she is showing me love freely. She hasn't read any books, or really looked into much, or into herself as to why things happened.
I am venting today because I keep hearing all the things I can do to win her love back and to be more attractive... but I did't have the A. I have to act happy and confident when I don't feel either of those things. Some days I am strong, but today I feel exhausted. Why do I feel like I am having to do the lions share of the work? I am sure ending the A is not easy for her. She does do small things. I'm not even sure what she could do that would make me feel better.
So what do I do? Detach more when things seem to be heading in the right direction... Keep doing what I'm doing (staying positive and being happy)? Can I ask her to do anything at this point? Or do I just ride out her positive attitude and be thankful for the way she is acting.
I know I need to get out and do something. Maybe join a gym. I work out at home now. I just don't feel social at all.
I'm just wore out today. Putting my dad in a nursing home this week so add that stress to my crazy life. Hard to feel like the fight is worth fighting at times.
I need to find strength in God. The days I do that seem to go a lot better than the days I try to handle it on my own.
Any advice or encouragement would really be welcome today. What would I do according to DBing specifically?
He's been a father figure to her. 