surrealism is not my style

[JellyB]

Cil, I could have written that word to word. I hope you get the chance I never to did, to DB the H*ll of this sitch and your marriage. I'm here cheerleading you Cil. Jellyxxx

[mm2bs]

Cil. I don't have much advice, but I wanted to say that I too could have written that post. Not nearly as eloquently as you did, but everything you wrote resonated very strongly with me. My H will constantly say it's his "fault" that I was unhappy. That I'm a nice person and I shouldn't change, we just can't be together. Like you I would come back with ....it's my responsibility to make myself happy, but H never seemed to hear it. Until I read your post and Zues' response to you I never could understand H's side. I really appreciate what you wrote Zues...it really does make so much more sense now. I wish I could have heard H when he said it.

[ciluzen]

You later pick this up, but he is not, actually, telling you how you feel as fact. He is telling you how HE feels. HE FEELS that he was insufficient to make you happy because he never felt you express your happiness to him. HE FEELS you don't need to change because he doesn't care anymore, or because he gives up and accepts that it's him with the problems but either way he doesn't like it anymore. Those feelings you can validate.


Zues, I need help. How do I validate those feelings? Our only real R talks were when I broke DB protocol. I'm trying hard not to do that anymore. I'm almost sure it will happen as we go through the D process, but only almost as this is unfamiliar territory. Right now, in my limited interactions brought on by him, I am only able to work on eye contact, listening, and validating him in his feelings on work, other people, or topics of interest. It does allow for some 180s, but mostly in the area of showing I'm interested in him and attracted to him and willing to be a good listener. Suggestions?

[Zues126]

Nothing to it, a baby could do it.

Do you know his love languages? Hint- what did he try to do to show his love for you? When he was really happy with ciluzen, what would he do to express that?

What are some things he likes about himself, that make him who he is? What does he want to be appreciated for?

Suppose, for a moment, that his love language was 'words of affection', and he was proud of his cooking. You could then find opportunities to show him verbally that you were happy with this part of him. At this point it would likely be staged around the kids. Like, "S told me that he couldn't wait to get to your place because he wants you to make his favorite meal. He always gets so happy when you make that for him! He's a lucky kid!"

Wow. YOU didn't say anything pursuing. You didn't say anything about you or him. BUT- you are showing him that you approve of him as a dad and as a person, that he is special, AND you are showcasing the skills of expressing verbal affection which is important to him in this example.

So fill me in on those details and let's talk about some ways you can show that 180.

[ciluzen]

When he was truly happy with me, I would get a bearhug. But his main love language was AOS. He knew himself so well, he often jokingly said, "give-giver, never take. That's me."

He would be happy making me a "special" coffee drink and bring it to me in the morning to show he cared. He'd wash my car. Vacuum once in awhile because "he found it relaxing" and knew I didn't.

He gave this to many people. He always helped people when they moved...even clients. He would mow our friends' lawns (riding mower) before a party. He loved to help people experience their first boat rides, teach them to water ski, help parents corral their kids on ski trips. He loved to organize trips, outings, and vacations. He loved to play bartender for all of our friends and man the barbecue. He made a fantastic tri-tip.

Even after we separated, he came immediately over to fix any problem at the house. He set up a pair of skis to fit my boots when I told him I was going to revisit skiing. He has bought me lunch at the hill and skied with me. He told his L that he wanted this to be "the nicest D she ever handled".

I am going on a ski trip weekend with my daughter, SIL, and her friends from high school and another set of parents that I know, but don't know well. H is going on a ski trip with "Bubbles'" family, as he used to be we) has for the past 15 years. Same resort as my group. He almost apologized for this, as our trip was planned in November and they just booked theirs 2 weeks ago. But that's where Bubbles' kids wanted to go. He has said we'll probably ski together. He seemed slightly sad that he had invited our younger D and she couldn't go. Anyway, I plan on having a good time, but not sure how much interaction I'll have with H...though he does like our D's friends.

180s? Have FUN. Be part of the group...participate. Make an effort to be helpful. Interact joyfully with Bubbles' family and D's friends. Appreciate his efforts that I see.

Any other suggestions would be appreciated. I don't have any idea how much actual interaction I will have with H. Trying hard to not pursue. LRTing somewhat (not initiating contact). I do have to go to his office to exchange some things with staff members today. Who knows.

[ciluzen]

Also, just received Financial Declaration paperwork from L. How do I validate H with his AOS LL while going through D?

[ciluzen]

Having a down day. Stopped by H's office to give one of the ladies there something and to pick up some things ,as well. H never said hello or acknowledged that I was there. Don't know if he saw me or not, but I'm pretty sure he did...I was there for a bit talking to a few people. He was talking to a client, too, though. I never know what I'm going to get when I see him.

GAL activity after that. A little talk about my sitch, but I moved through that quickly.

I'm feeling anxiety about my ski trip. All of it is unfamiliar. I know everyone I'm going with, but not well enough (with exception of D25)to feel comfortable.I don't know the mountain or trails and its supposed to snow all weekend, so I might not be able to read trail signs. I am probably the weakest skier. And then there is the specter of H being there with the family I AM comfortable with.

He will want to see D25 and her friends. He has so much control over what ever situation he is in. Everyone loves him...it makes me feel like an outsider. I want to show positive interactions with him, but don't want to push or pursue. My D says, "just have fun". I'm going to try, but I just don't feel I have a place. The anxiety is eating at me.

[JellyB]

Hi Cil,

What you describe above is an average day in my life. Daily I pull on every cliche I can to engage socially in a world that I am completely fearful of.

Feel that fear and do it anyway, grab life by the balls, white knuckle it, go hard or go home, life doesn't happen if you don't participate.

I often feel that on most occasions it is the anticipation that is actually worse that the event itself.

When you arrive stay with the safe people and safe places. I envy already how far you have come in pushing yourself outside your comfort. Your amazing life sits just outside of it.

And if the universe all lines up and you hold you tongue in just right position and clap your hands and believe in Tinkerbell, your H could be just on the outside of your comfort zone.

Believe in yourself, you a worthy of a great life and this ski trip is a lovely example of how great life can be, out in nature, with good people, breathing and living.

Don't over think and feel this, it sounds like a great adventure. I'll look forward to the Facebook pics

Much love Jellyxxx

[ciluzen]

Thank you so much for your kind, wise, uplifting words, JB. It always makes my day when I see that you've dropped by my thread.

I'm still floating in the air, Wile E. Coyote style, 10 ft away from the cliff with the ground so far below, running in place as fast as my legs will spin. I'm afraid if I don't stop DBing, that I will fall and fall hard. Right now I'm hovering and it is so surreal.

I want to have fun on this trip. I want to BE fun on this trip. I want H to see me and treat me as if nothing is wrong...like when we are alone at our ski hill. And I also don't want to see him in case he ignores me around everyone else, because that is sooo painful.

I can only think that if I go out of my way to show how much fun I'm having and how outgoing and cheerful I am with everyone else, that it will be like when I force eye contact and smiles on him...he can't help but respond in kind. Because that HAS been working. I need more energy. This, and the anxiety and depression that come with NC or his indifferent actions, is draining. Hot cold, enjoy you and ignore you.

[Nel]

Ciluzen-
I too am going through the D process (again), so I know how you are feeling. I've found that the best way to act when you have to be around your husband in a social group is to act like you are having the time of your life. Be the girl that he knew when you first met. We've all changed as we've grown older and life and kids have gotton in the way. Remind him through your actions how fun it was to be with you! It will prompt memories of old times and your history together that can never be erased. Don't worry about him, his reactions, how he treats you, or anything. Just have fun for YOU and D25.

You got this!

Nel