Don't give up. Keep posting. The weekends are a little slow around here, so you can use it to read the links Cadet gave you, and the Divorce Remedy book.
Can you give us more information about your marital past? Why did your first M end? How long between first M ending before you started seeing current W? Any history of infidelity?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't give up. Keep posting. The weekends are a little slow around here, so you can use it to read the links Cadet gave you, and the Divorce Remedy book.
Can you give us more information about your marital past? Why did your first M end? How long between first M ending before you started seeing current W? Any history of infidelity?
Never got married to my first child's mother. We were together for five years.
Started dating current wife 4 yrs. after my sons mother and I split up.
No infidelity on either side that I know of. Current wife says that I've not been there for her emotional for at least a couple years. I've got a feeling that she may be emotionally involved with someone at her work, but I've got no proof. She's on her phone non stop and guards it like gold. Also her brother who was only 48 had a heart attack 3 months prior to the BD'ing. I kinda of believe his death may have triggered a midlife crisis scenario, from the way she's behaving.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
I've been trying to implement Sandis rules for the last week , and my wife seems to be getting irritable and more distant. Is this normal?
I doubt it is your application of the rules that's causing her reaction. More likely, it is b/c of resentment that has built up for an extended amount of time. If enough resentment exist, it is almost impossible for the LBH to do anything that is going to get a positive response from the W. that doesn't mean you are currently failing in your attempts of applying the rules, it just means that in her mindset she is through with you, the M, and everything related. She feels completely done, and a few days f you applying the rules are not going to switch her back.
I don't think the screaming match was the sole action that instigated your W's decision to want out of the M. It may have been the final straw. The pattern of the WW or WAW (as described by MWD) is to carry negative feelings for a long time before she acts on it. From what you have said about the finances, I would guess that she's been planning to leave for a while now.
Most H's want to see immediate positive results to whatever he considers as him trying to make things better. However, it very seldom works out that way, b/c of the negative mindset of the W and the time it took to get there. Am I saying it is hopeless? Not at all. I am saying it took time for your M to reach this point, and it will take time to repair and improve things.
You start with the one person you can control.........YOU. Look where you need to make life long changes to be a better man. Not just gimmic to get her back, but to become a better man. That is the only thing that's going to save you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Let me explain the whole situation to the best of my ability. Since November 20th, blow up she has been totally disconnected emotionally to me. I ask her why and these are the things she said
1.) she has been unhappy for 3 years 2.) I haven't been there for her emotionally for 3 Yrs 3. I haven't helped out with kids or home for 3 yrs 4.) I never appreciated or helped out during holidays 5.) I've done stuff for myself on special occasions (Mothers Day specifically. 6.) she loves me as the father of her children, but nothing else 7.) I sleep in late and she always has to get up early.
since my revelation I've done the following with know success or glimmer of hope
Get up every day, EVERY DAY at 5:00 o'clock and start coffee, get the kids ready, laundry, clean the house, dishes, etc...
I realize that this has all been done by me because of Panic and fear of losing my family.
Well, needless to say I've run out of steam, lost 26 Lbs, and am a mess.
So, for the last 2 weeks if been trying to apply Sandis rules, Since doing every thing didn't seem to be get any response.
I'm also going to marriage counsling by myself. She said she would go, but has never went, so I decided to quit asking for right now.
any advice would be appreciated.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
