Hi Keefa, I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. It sounds as though you are doing many of the right things, and I do think there is an element of faith here. If you trust the process and continue to do the right things, there comes a tipping point when you realise you have felt at peace for a while in your garage and doing your car. There comes a time when you go out with friends and realise you have a good time and feel happy, despite the situation with your M.
I think the part to work on is the part where you feel you have "lost everything" and I think this is the time to put your marital situation in it's rightful place. For all of us, we are individuals with multifaceted lives that include work, kids, friends, hobbies, health and R's. R's are one dimension of many - an important dimension - but nonetheless, we may have a full and rich life despite the loss of our partner. When I read your post above, I'm reminded of the quote I once read - we are never solely dependent on another for our happiness. In my sitch, it has helped to practice gratitude for those parts of my life that remain good or have improved despite the loss of my M - and there are many of those things. Exploring the theme of codependency is useful for all DBers I think - Have you read Codependent no more or NMMNG?
I'm not sure if you've seen the TED talk by Shawn Achor on happiness? It is worth watching (he has a book too, which I haven't read) for the happiness plan he suggests. The beauty of this plan is it is all about you, and the practices he suggests are ones that can serve us all well in our lives going forwards.
I understand how much you want your W back. However, for now she isn't 'in' the M - she's cold and has filed for D. That could change at some point, but why would you put your life on hold 'just in case.' Please try to put your love for her in a little box and store that box on a high shelf in the garage. You may or may not want to get it down again at some point in the future - but please don't have the box open on the kitchen counter and look into it every day.
Another theme to think about is acceptance versus impatience. If you can accept how your life is now, and work your best with what you have, that is the best way. Looking over your shoulder and feeling frustrated about nothing having impact (yet) will worsen how you feel about things. If you can keep putting your energy into other parts of your life, and keep shifting the focus away from your W, that's the best plan. It's good that you are seeing a therapist. Are you managing to keep the focus on you in those sessions?
Another thing to consider is mindfulness practice (part of the Shawn Achor plan) which may help counterbalance the busyness. Hope this helps & I'm not saying move on - it doesn't sound as though you are ready to do that. However, I hope you can keep moving solidly forward with hope and gratitude in your heart.
Take care
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Keefa, One of the things that helped me along the way was knowing that my W was no longer the girl I married. The person that she turned into is not someone that I want to be married to. This was my decision, although it's not right for everyone. We all made mistakes before our BD's that led us here. Learn from them and correct them, but do not dwell on them. Mistakes aside, we made the same commitments to our spouses that they made to us the day we were married. We imperfectly held to that commitment and were/are actively trying to remain committed now. They are not. Think about that for a minute. The loss of wife, children, family, future dreams, assets...etc is killing you. For her, it's an inconvenience on the path to be with someone else. Your old wife is gone. Is this new version of her someone that you want to fight for and remain committed to for the rest of your life?
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
I just got home late from work. Waw has gone, taken my boys, stripped the house and left nothing but a few garbage bags of rubbish. I can't do this. All my boys toys have gone. Their clothes. Their bikes. Everything. I can't go on. I've no one to talk to. I've no one to turn to. I have a bed and a light left. I'm thinking of overdose. This is the only place I can think of to help
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
When I was married to my first wife, she decided to leave me. We were separated but living together for a month. I was a mess. I didn't know it at the time but she had bought a house behind my back and was waiting to close on it before moving out.
She finally did close on it one day. I went to work on a Wednesday morning and came home to a COMPLETEy empty house. It took my breathe away when I opened the front door.
She left me a mattress on the floor and single plastic cup. EVERYTHING else was gone, including my daughter.
I was going to end it all. I couldn't believe what my life had come to but I decided to lay down on that mattress (I remember I kept my coat on because I didn't even have blankets) and think about my life.
Eventually I moved out and SLOWLY rebuilt my life. About 4 months later, I met another woman and quickly fell in love with her. We started dating and I was happier than I had been in years! My ex found out and guess what happened...
SHE WENT INSANE WITH JEALOUSY!
SHE threatened to kill herself! She was miserable! SHe begged and pleaded and begged some more for me to take her back. It was too late. Id moved on.
To this day, she hints at getting back with me when I see her.
Things DO change Keefa. I promise you. It seems unbearable right now but if I could do it, you can do it.
Call your friends or family. Call the suicide hotline. Just make it through tonight my friend.
Hey guys. I'm sobbing but hanging in there. I think I have stupid thoughts under control. I have no family close by. I have the tv on as a distraction and my dog is with me. The pain is literally unbearable. I knew it was coming and thought I was prepare but Christ this is the most pain I've ever felt. This is worse than the ilybinilwy or getting the divorce papers. Thank you all so much. Man this is rough.
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
I remember coming home after my wife moved out.. it was surreal. The house wasn't empty, but she took every solitary thing of hers. She made it clear that she had no intention of coming back. I was not expecting that. I didn't cry. I remember walking around, I was worried about her engagement ring for some reason (her rings came off at BD more or less). What would she do with that? I figured it would be in the box on the counter or on our bed. I was relieved that I did not find it. So then I kind of walked around the house, put all of our pictures away, anything that had to do with being married etc. I surveyed the situation. Went up to our master bed room and looked around. I noticed that her closet door was shut. I thought that was strange. I opened it... and there was that freaking ring on the floor of the closet. That's when the tears came. It bothered me more than anything else. I still wonder why she put it there, it doesn't make sense.
My point is that I feel your pain, I am sure most of us do. You can make it through this. You need family and friends to help. I am still in this house wondering what I am going to do but it does not bother me for the most part. You will be OK.
It's 2am now, taking my dog for a walk around the block. Just need to be away from the house for a bit. My boys are literally a few miles down the road so in some ways I guess I am luckier than some, I know they will be missing me and that hurts so much too. I have trust they know I love them. I am making a shopping list of things I need. Kettle, Toaster etc. Will hit the credit card hard this weekend. I feel like I am being fuelled by my anger at waw. But I am. It going to let her see how broken I feel. All she will see is a positive daddy. I am determined. Thank you everyone. I am already on prescription but only small dosage. I think I've got this under some measure of control now. I wish there was a fast forward button for my life.
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
