Thanks for the help - my mind is spinning with the new job, wrapping up the old job, and my relationship...
I think the best action is to treat it like a family event this year, and tell my wife why. Frankly, we are both likely to get hurt (either by feeling pressured or by having unrealistic expectations) if we try to do something even remotely romantic.
I'll work out the specifics in the next few days, but I think my mind is getting a little clearer. Still need to work on trusting the moment and not reading too much into anything. That includes both good things that build my expectations and bad things that erode my trust in her. I need to realize that she is here, with me, and that is a hell of a lot to work with.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
I can't believe how much of my time was spent thinking about this, but if nothing else it proves how attached I still am. Before dinner I told my wife that I thought the best plan for Valentine's was to do it as a family event with the kids, but did ask if she had a preference for restaurant.
I think my wife appreciated that I had thought it through and had an option that tried to take her into consideration (instead of just blasting ahead with "the usual" Valentine's day for us. It's sad that in the past I would have just asked her what she wanted to do and then agreed. Part of my continued growth is to make sure I have an opinion before I ask these types of questions and make sure that I express my opinions as part of the discussion (without seeming controlling or demanding).
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Sci, dude, bro, chill. I get it. I'm going to reiterate what I said. Your feelings are natural. Your desires for action are natural. Your doubts, questions, fears, etc. are natural. And they are counterproductive.
Your W is going through a very difficult time. She's trying to come down from crack and get through the withdrawal symptoms.
You have four jobs right now: 1. Being the most awesome dad in the world to your sons. 2. A supportive husband that creates an environment for your wife to face her own demons (i.e. the Valentine's Day event, listening and validating, no mindreading, no snooping...., and giving her space). 3. A strong and wise man who realizes that those are your wife's demons to face (not pushing, no expectations, and no timeframe). 4. The self-actualized guy who continues to do 180s/GALs regardless of the current situation or potential outcomes.
Take a step back, detach, and get back to DBing. DBing doesn't stop. It never will.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
There are small ways in which you can add the odd bit of romance without being overt. I have a few in mind.
Have you ideas?
V,
It's been so long since I've been romantic. I'm not proud to admit that (it was a big contributing factor to my situation). I tend to go big or go home, so I'd love some ideas of non-threatening romance.
What kind of things are you thinking of?
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
A voucher from you - to do the washing up for a week, hoovering, take the boys out so she can have a girlie night at home
A trip to x or y, farm, zoo, play park, swimming etc.....
Chocolate cake made by all of you with big red hearts on it
Paper hearts in her sock drawer from each of the guys in her house with a fun message, or in her pockets or brief case
Breakfast in bed as a surprise with a cup cake heart
AND
A suitable message, such as
Eg Welcome mat, I just love coming home these days
The mirror, with big kiss on it
The cake well squiggly writing is great
On the voucher especially for you a night free at home to have your girlie friends round for a good giggle.....
I promise to fix, buy, paint, (some niggle) just for you
Merge the ideas for instance:
Voucher in a box inside a box with tissue paper and little sweets, you and the boys to wrap, red ribbon, drawings on each one. All of you to watch her open with breakfast in bed. Pancakes with strawberries laid out as a heart etc and glass of fizzy stuff with a strawberry in it. --------------------------------
Does that help?
I hope others will add to my list.
You are doing a meal, a cake by you and the boys would be fantastic. You can add sweetie hearts. Take to the restaurant.
Tons
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you for giving me some great ideas V and Sotto.
I've done a lot of thinking and I'm trying my best not to scare off my wife with too much pursuit or expectations. She says she's fence sitting, but something feels different. It feels to me more like she's afraid of what it will mean if she commits. Afraid of once again feeling the pain that initially caused her waywardness. I can see her trepidation and I think I understand it, but as I've said to others here I want to tell her that "sometimes you just have to say 'what the F---'" and take a leap of faith.
Maybe I shouldn't have, but I've told her as much in the past, and now I am working on showing her that while I don't know how things will turn out, I will never intentionally hurt her. It may still go south and I may still be the cause, but I will do everything in my power to not repeat my past mistakes.
I think one thing i need to do is go back to look at the different love languages and try to figure out which might resonate with her. Last time I did this I saw results, but I was haphazard and all over the place. Often I unintentionally "spoke" several languages at once and flooded her with too much attention. Of course she didn't believe it was real - how could she when I was coming on so strong?
So this time around I'm taking a step back and trying to be a bit more calm about this. I'll do my best to let her know I care, with no expectations of anything in return. Unconditional? Somewhat, because I still have boundaries in place. But measured. Because my wife is still acting like a trapped animal and doesn't trust the feelings that I think are developing toward me.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
My goodness, V, that was awesome! (copy-paste for myself!)
"I'm fence-sitting" = "I'm afraid" right as you said it. Can you blame her? Keep WTF under lock, which I don't doubt you will. This is where the ideas of keeping the road paved smooth and consistency of changes really kick in. Give her that time, no matter how much it frustrates you, to begin feeling more comfortable. Create a situation/environment supportive of the leap of faith.
Help me remember, is the EA still ongoing? If not, change your signature.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
