I would like to introduce myself and provide some details about the situation I am in.
I have been married to my wife for the past 5 years. We met when I was in the US and she was in a different country. We both are non-americans. We had a very very brief courtship due to my job here in the states and the fact I could not take a lot of time off. We met and within a couple of months (not staying together - we stayed together around 5 days), I came back and went back to get married to her.
After marrying her, I stayed for a month with her and her family before returning.
The next 2 1/2 years I did two things:
Apply for her immigration paperwork - it took this much time to get the process completed so she can join me in the states. The process is pretty long and complicated. Travel every 3 to 4 months, mostly in Europe and other great locations and spending quite a bit of money on these vacations. I thought this would serve two goals, meeting her to keep our intimacy and also travel the world.
We used to have a few problems here and there, each time we would meet for about 5 to 10 days. My mother and father never got along with her - my parents being traditional and her family being very liberal.
The problems kind of started when she first moved. Right from that time (2 1/2 years).
Her complaints are:
1) I am never happy with my life. Constantly complaining. 2) I am always trying to save money. 3) I listen too much to my mom and because of that I am a mama's boy. My parents and her are not on speaking terms. 4) I have a lot of problems with her family - even though they love me. 5) I am not interested in buying a house or having a kid. 6) When I fight with her I keep aloof for several days. 7) I always controlled all the finances. 8) I was in touch with an ex girlfriend - she saw some emails. They were nothing showing anything more than normal conversation but she freaked out. This happened last year. 9) I don't pay attention to her even though she is prettier than all of my friends wives. 10) I have a lot of ego and pride about my job and how much money I make etc.
A lot of those complaints are indeed true and in some cases I had reasons (however mistaken) for doing certain things.
Fast forward a month ago - after a few months of more intense verbal arguments and fights, she started thinking of leaving. I was the one who initially a couple of times mentioned that we should divorce a few months back and then a couple of months back but I was saying it in more of anger and never followed up on it and a few days later things went back to normal.
She also started seeing a therapist (for the past two years she kept asking me to go a therapist but I just didn't go).
Three weeks back she dropped the bomb on me via email that she wants to divorce. She had already talked to a lawyer and figured the process.
What followed were three agonizing weeks of me trying to plead with her to give me another chance and she refusing. Finally we decided that instead of filing, if I were to move out for a couple of months and worked on myself, she would think about it.
So it's been a week since I moved out. While looking for apartments, she seemed calm and relaxed and we were joking and having a very nice time.
Since I moved out, I have started seeing a therapist and started working on myself but I have not talked to her on our relationship or tell her how miserable I am. I am trying to keep positive when she texts me (she is the one who usually initiates it) and I respond positively and courteously. Most of the texts (3 to 4 a day) are about general things etc.
I am at a loss to figure out what my next step should be. Should I ask her to meet up (we had discussed before I moved out that we will try and meet once a week) but I didn't bring it up till now.
I also signed up for the DB phone sessions and had a great chat with one of the DB reps today.
So question is, basically, what should be my next step. I do really want to get back with her and want to show her that I am trying to do a 180.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for all the links. I spent a couple of hours going through many of them.
So my question is now - we are in a bit more touch with each other - she has been initiating the contact and I am replying. Today we messaged each other for about 20 minutes - longest since last week when I moved out. But all of it I kept courteous and replying to any thing she was asking about me.
I feel that she is bit confused as to how I am not really asking her to meet me or asking her to give me another chance (like I was doing for the past month before I moved out).
I am just not sure if I should keep this detached minimal contact or should start talking to her more and ask to meet.
Should I wait for her to initiate for us to meet?
All my stuff is still back in the apartment she is at (except for my clothes) so she knows at some point I have to come back either way.
Very confused and not sure what I should be doing on a day to day basis.
Sometimes I just feel like giving up on all of this and just feel like moving on - because I am not sure what she is thinking or what she is going to decide and tell me any day.
Floyd - Im very sorry that you find yourself here. I will reply in blue.
Her complaints are:
1) I am never happy with my life. Constantly complaining. 2) I am always trying to save money. 3) I listen too much to my mom and because of that I am a mama's boy. My parents and her are not on speaking terms. 4) I have a lot of problems with her family - even though they love me. 5) I am not interested in buying a house or having a kid. 6) When I fight with her I keep aloof for several days. 7) I always controlled all the finances. 8) I was in touch with an ex girlfriend - she saw some emails. They were nothing showing anything more than normal conversation but she freaked out. This happened last year. 9) I don't pay attention to her even though she is prettier than all of my friends wives. 10) I have a lot of ego and pride about my job and how much money I make etc.
A lot of those complaints are indeed true and in some cases I had reasons (however mistaken) for doing certain things. Heres the thing. If she thinks it, then they are all true. To her. What she believes to be true is true to her. If she says that you "complain too much" then to her, you do - even if you dnt think that you do.
Now, that doesnt mean that if you fix these ten things that you will reconcile. My point is that instead of considering the veracity of her feelings, you should accept them as truths, because her feelings are valid.
Since I moved out, I have started seeing a therapist and started working on myself when you say "working on yourself", what exactly do you mean? Ar you just trying to fix items in that list above? Or do you have other plans?
but I have not talked to her on our relationship or tell her how miserable I am. If you are truly working on yourself, then I would start HERE. If you are miserable, why woud she think about taking you back? Have you always allowed her to be your center point of happiness? How can you regain your own happiness?
With that said, have you started to GAL for yourself? What kinds of new, exciting things are you doing?
I am trying to keep positive when she texts me (she is the one who usually initiates it) and I respond positively and courteously. Most of the texts (3 to 4 a day) are about general things etc. Do all of these need responses? This seems like a lot of contact. How is she going to miss you if you are always talking to her?
I am at a loss to figure out what my next step should be. Should I ask her to meet up (we had discussed before I moved out that we will try and meet once a week) but I didn't bring it up till now. I would advise against it. Why show off an unfinished product? What do you have to GAIN from meeting up with her right now?
I also signed up for the DB phone sessions and had a great chat with one of the DB reps today. Great! Hopefully, they arent saying something different from me
So question is, basically, what should be my next step. I do really want to get back with her and want to show her that I am trying to do a 180. Then do what you said you were going to. Work on yourself! Let her do her own thing.
Floyd - Im very sorry that you find yourself here. I will reply in blue.
Her complaints are:
1) I am never happy with my life. Constantly complaining. 2) I am always trying to save money. 3) I listen too much to my mom and because of that I am a mama's boy. My parents and her are not on speaking terms. 4) I have a lot of problems with her family - even though they love me. 5) I am not interested in buying a house or having a kid. 6) When I fight with her I keep aloof for several days. 7) I always controlled all the finances. 8) I was in touch with an ex girlfriend - she saw some emails. They were nothing showing anything more than normal conversation but she freaked out. This happened last year. 9) I don't pay attention to her even though she is prettier than all of my friends wives. 10) I have a lot of ego and pride about my job and how much money I make etc.
A lot of those complaints are indeed true and in some cases I had reasons (however mistaken) for doing certain things. Heres the thing. If she thinks it, then they are all true. To her. What she believes to be true is true to her. If she says that you "complain too much" then to her, you do - even if you dnt think that you do.
Now, that doesnt mean that if you fix these ten things that you will reconcile. My point is that instead of considering the veracity of her feelings, you should accept them as truths, because her feelings are valid.
I understand - it's now been two weeks since I am separated and I am accepting her feelings as truths since her feelings are what her feelings are.
Since I moved out, I have started seeing a therapist and started working on myself when you say "working on yourself", what exactly do you mean? Ar you just trying to fix items in that list above? Or do you have other plans?
working on myself means going to therapist that she wanted me to do. Being very calm and cordial with everything. Trying to fix the list above and also adding more things like working out, going to social events and trying to pick up some hobbies like Yoga etc.
but I have not talked to her on our relationship or tell her how miserable I am. If you are truly working on yourself, then I would start HERE. If you are miserable, why woud she think about taking you back? Have you always allowed her to be your center point of happiness? How can you regain your own happiness?
With that said, have you started to GAL for yourself? What kinds of new, exciting things are you doing?
It's been a short time but I am trying to pick up some things like new hobbies, learning to play the guitar, going out to social events, got a gym trainer for working out etc.
I am trying to keep positive when she texts me (she is the one who usually initiates it) and I respond positively and courteously. Most of the texts (3 to 4 a day) are about general things etc. Do all of these need responses? This seems like a lot of contact. How is she going to miss you if you are always talking to her?
It seems like a lot of contact but it's very hard for me not to message her. Usually she is the one who initiates the messages but the less I am talking to her the more angry she is getting when I do talk to her.
I don't know but I think she was expecting me to be needy and clingy and desperate and the more I am showing that I am ready to move on with or without her, the more she is getting rude with me.
I am not sure if this whole GAL and showing that I am not needy is turning her away from me even more or if this is more of an act to get me to go back to being needy for her.
She asked me to move out of the house for 2 months and she is going to be out for a week for new years and she hasn't allowed me to even come back there. My situation is such that I am living out of a suitcase and would really like to go back and stay for a few days when she is not there but she said clearly that even if she is not there I can't come to the house.
I am paying for all the expenses - rent etc. - over $3,000 a month.
Legally she has no right to do this as the apartment is mine as well as hers for but I am trying to be calm about it in front of her but get very angry at it.
I am at a loss to figure out what my next step should be. Should I ask her to meet up (we had discussed before I moved out that we will try and meet once a week) but I didn't bring it up till now.
I would advise against it. Why show off an unfinished product? What do you have to GAIN from meeting up with her right now?
Not sure - as I said she is getting ruder and more angry at me whenever she does talk to me. I have a feeling that I may push her away from me a lot if I continue not meeting her and not showing some interest in her.
I also signed up for the DB phone sessions and had a great chat with one of the DB reps today. Great! Hopefully, they arent saying something different from me
The coach is great although she is saying something slightly different from you. What she is saying is to continue the positive interactions and not talk about the relationship which I am doing but not to go dark completely. As long as the topics remain positive I should increase my interaction and perhaps even ask her to meet up sometime.
So question is, basically, what should be my next step. I do really want to get back with her and want to show her that I am trying to do a 180. Then do what you said you were going to. Work on yourself! Let her do her own thing.
At some point I feel like basically giving up and asking her to go ahead with filing. At least at that point I will get a closure and get some certainty about my living situation and start moving on.
Floyd - Im very sorry that you find yourself here. I will reply in blue.
Her complaints are:
1) I am never happy with my life. Constantly complaining. 2) I am always trying to save money. 3) I listen too much to my mom and because of that I am a mama's boy. My parents and her are not on speaking terms. 4) I have a lot of problems with her family - even though they love me. 5) I am not interested in buying a house or having a kid. 6) When I fight with her I keep aloof for several days. 7) I always controlled all the finances. 8) I was in touch with an ex girlfriend - she saw some emails. They were nothing showing anything more than normal conversation but she freaked out. This happened last year. 9) I don't pay attention to her even though she is prettier than all of my friends wives. 10) I have a lot of ego and pride about my job and how much money I make etc.
A lot of those complaints are indeed true and in some cases I had reasons (however mistaken) for doing certain things. Heres the thing. If she thinks it, then they are all true. To her. What she believes to be true is true to her. If she says that you "complain too much" then to her, you do - even if you dnt think that you do.
Now, that doesnt mean that if you fix these ten things that you will reconcile. My point is that instead of considering the veracity of her feelings, you should accept them as truths, because her feelings are valid.
I understand - it's now been two weeks since I am separated and I am accepting her feelings as truths since her feelings are what her feelings are.
Since I moved out, I have started seeing a therapist and started working on myself when you say "working on yourself", what exactly do you mean? Ar you just trying to fix items in that list above? Or do you have other plans?
working on myself means going to therapist that she wanted me to do. Being very calm and cordial with everything. Trying to fix the list above and also adding more things like working out, going to social events and trying to pick up some hobbies like Yoga etc.
but I have not talked to her on our relationship or tell her how miserable I am. If you are truly working on yourself, then I would start HERE. If you are miserable, why woud she think about taking you back? Have you always allowed her to be your center point of happiness? How can you regain your own happiness?
With that said, have you started to GAL for yourself? What kinds of new, exciting things are you doing?
It's been a short time but I am trying to pick up some things like new hobbies, learning to play the guitar, going out to social events, got a gym trainer for working out etc.
I am trying to keep positive when she texts me (she is the one who usually initiates it) and I respond positively and courteously. Most of the texts (3 to 4 a day) are about general things etc. Do all of these need responses? This seems like a lot of contact. How is she going to miss you if you are always talking to her?
It seems like a lot of contact but it's very hard for me not to message her. Usually she is the one who initiates the messages but the less I am talking to her the more angry she is getting when I do talk to her.
I don't know but I think she was expecting me to be needy and clingy and desperate and the more I am showing that I am ready to move on with or without her, the more she is getting rude with me.
I am not sure if this whole GAL and showing that I am not needy is turning her away from me even more or if this is more of an act to get me to go back to being needy for her.
She asked me to move out of the house for 2 months and she is going to be out for a week for new years and she hasn't allowed me to even come back there. My situation is such that I am living out of a suitcase and would really like to go back and stay for a few days when she is not there but she said clearly that even if she is not there I can't come to the house.
I am paying for all the expenses - rent etc. - over $3,000 a month.
Legally she has no right to do this as the apartment is mine as well as hers for but I am trying to be calm about it in front of her but get very angry at it.
I am at a loss to figure out what my next step should be. Should I ask her to meet up (we had discussed before I moved out that we will try and meet once a week) but I didn't bring it up till now.
I would advise against it. Why show off an unfinished product? What do you have to GAIN from meeting up with her right now?
Not sure - as I said she is getting ruder and more angry at me whenever she does talk to me. I have a feeling that I may push her away from me a lot if I continue not meeting her and not showing some interest in her.
I also signed up for the DB phone sessions and had a great chat with one of the DB reps today. Great! Hopefully, they arent saying something different from me
The coach is great although she is saying something slightly different from you. What she is saying is to continue the positive interactions and not talk about the relationship which I am doing but not to go dark completely. As long as the topics remain positive I should increase my interaction and perhaps even ask her to meet up sometime.
So question is, basically, what should be my next step. I do really want to get back with her and want to show her that I am trying to do a 180. Then do what you said you were going to. Work on yourself! Let her do her own thing.
At some point I feel like basically giving up and asking her to go ahead with filing. At least at that point I will get a closure and get some certainty about my living situation and start moving on.
So what do you want to give up or to save your marriage?
This is an update to my original thread back in December.
It's been months of roller coaster with me and the backstory is that wife wanted to divorce back in November, I moved out for 2 months, took coaching from DB.com, got a life and really worked on myself.
I moved back to my apartment after wife said for the 4th time in the 2 months that she still wants a divorce.
She also said that in the two months that I had moved out I should have contacted her more - so maybe the less contact and GAL thing backfired a little bit or maybe not.
Situation right now is that she is moving out with her sisters, found an apartment that they will all share and I am once again at my wit's end. She says she is not going to commit whether she wants to stay with me or not and that give it time and maybe things will change but no promises. She says she does not want to file for divorce because she is not financially or emotionally ready but if I want to file for it she will be okay with it.
So now I really have three options with no commitments:
1) She moves out (in a couple of weeks) and she agrees to meet me and see how things go but has absolutely no promise or commitment that she will try to work on it. Just will give it time and see. We have no kids together. So my option here is to give her all the time she wants (maybe months) and try to keep working on it from myself.
2) She moves out and I wait for sometime to see (maybe a few weeks) and make a decision to move on.
3) Decide as soon as she moves out that I want to end it.
Sorry you are here and in this situation. We all know first hand just how much it [censored]. I'm a big believer in the DB process and believe it may have even saved my life. Had I not discovered and began the DB process before finding out about my wife's A and before our separation started, I'm afraid I may not have survived. I think I would have self destructed. So my advice is to just stick to the playbook. Detach, GAL and work on yourself. This is all easier said than done but you CAN do it. Find something to occupy your mind with. It won't take away the pain. It won't end your misery. But its better than sitting and constantly thinking about your issues. Last weekend, I swept and mopped the entire house. I dreaded doing it because it was a lot of work. But it really needed to be done and when it was done, I LOVED my clean floors and the clean smell. I know it sounds stupid, but I was really happy with my little accomplishment. I also started private pilot ground school training. Its been REALLY hard to make myself go and keep up with all the required learning but its been getting easier and I know I'll be really proud once I get through the program and start flying lessons this Summer.
You have to let you go. You must detach. That's incredibly hard to do but you have NO control over what she decides she wants to do. All you have control over is you and your life. So work on making YOU the best YOU that YOU can be.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
