Hi ATP, I still don't think you're getting this. For me, it isn't a case of you pushing things towards a D, or truly moving on. Those things would be closing the door on possible future R, and I don't believe that is what you want.
I think the shift that needs to happen is one of accepting where things are just now and working with the reality of the situation. And making the best of that situation - even though it was unasked for. I think it is about letting go of the fear of losing your M, and the fear of living alone. It is about thinking - this is where I am now - it's not where I wanted to be, but everything happens for a reason and I need to move forward as best I can.
I think it is about respecting your W's decision and understanding 'it takes two' to make a R and she is 'out' just now. I think if you can truly accept your W's choice, you will lose the reactiveness and that is important. Do you notice that when she tells you something you don't like, you start stuffing a bin bag full of stuff?
None of the above means that you close the door on a possible R - but it does mean looking at your life and working out how to rebuild it in the event that you do S. For me, that means engaging in (not resisting) the mediation process and taking any steps needed to get yourself and the kids into a comfortable and secure situation. It means acting from an 'adult' (logical, reasonable, aware) and not a 'child' (fearful, needy, reactive) place.
I hope this helps a little & take care
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
But ATP, you don't actually know what she wants. Stop mind reading. And no; what someone says is not always what they mean. This is why you need to not focus on her and what she wants. Focus on you.
You also don't know what is going to happen...you can't see the future. So you don't have to accept it. You can accept that you have no control over the future or your wife, but that acceptance does not change your path. Focus on you and the things you can change, the rest will just happen...maybe in surprising ways.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I am here with you, W is pushing more now for the S to move forward and I had to go to he next step and see a Lawyer. It was something I was putting off. I was avoiding as I was telling myself I was not ready. I also had to deal with the thoughts of what could be next and I am currently thinking about where I am going to live, what I want as far as looking after the kids ect. This is something that I was avoiding thinking about. But I had to go there, it was time. I think you are there too, Its time to think about these topics but in a way that you think about solving a problem. Not the sad part of it.
you can do it.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Hi Ghost. Been reading and not sure you want to " get it " Jelly offered great advice but your not seeing it. Let go of the hurt and the injustice of your Ws actions for a minute Your W no longer wants to be married , that's how she is feeling right now
Ghost however does want to be married and that's how he's feeling right now , ghost has wise DB vets ( and the rest of us ) telling him he must accept this but at the moment Ghost can't , now put yourself in Ws shoes , she doesn't want to be married and the only person who is telling / showing her she's wrong is you.
If you can't accept what lots of well meaning people are telling you then why would W be any different ? She's made up her mind ., she's not going to change it easily if ever W took years to get to this point and whatever her reasons are ( real or imagined ) she made her choice.
JellyB is telling you to stand strong , show W that your life will go on and you will be ok Trust me Ghost W knows she can snap her fingers and you will come running That's why you show her that you will deal with this and not in a I don't care manner but in a respectful neighbourly manner If W wants meditation then go to mediation and listen , put your thoughts toward and see what happens
There is no step by step guide but acceptance is key here. You see the fake it until you make line a lot and it's true.
My W calls me daily and texts , sometimes I would love to reach out to her and help and I will sometimes help but to a point and if I offer and it's declined then I will never push it because before BD I would have. My point is it's not easy and if it becomes easy then you are truly detached To my W and all our friends and family I'm detached , I treat well like a good neighbour and will offer support and advice when asked but never step over the neighbour line and let W get on with her life
It's tough for us all G but we have to accept the reality of their choices. WAS don't change their minds quickly if ever and that's the reality
Become a man only a fool would leave , become the best dad that's humanly possible and choose to live a life for you The gift your W is giving you is time, time for G to be G You will look back at this time and you want to look back and say you became better for this experience whatever happens with you and W
At the moment you are lost so pick a path , IMHO you need to be out of the house because being there is not making your sitch any better and actually making it worse.
Let go of W , it's heartbreaking but what choice do you have ? She's done and bolting for the door , imagine how she views a man that's trying to stop her ? Now imagine she sees a man who is intent on being there for the kids and a man who is dealing with this cr@p in a strong , mature way , standing up for himself in a respectful way
Which guy would you prefer to be ? G if W changed her mind in the morning and you took her back the fear of this happening again would be worse than now Get to a place where G is confident with himself whatever happens in an R will be able to be dealt with
This is very easy for me to post and I fully appreciate that but choose to start the journey and that's a huge step. The future is unknown and there are plenty of success stories on here but a lot of them happen when the LBS lets go G needs to let go
Jelly is right and so many of you have been I have not seen it for the mist that is all arround me
I have to think of my children and this is not healthy for them
I have spoken to my W and I have sent her the email that I received regarding attending the mediation . I have no idea where it will take us
Time to decide what I want out of all this
I have been happy to go along with her decision howeve I want to have my hands on the wheel of this ship I want to take y turn in steering this I a not just here for the ride
So my wife is proposing that we share the child care fifty fifty I am not sure if my eldest daughter will want to live with me at all or not this we will have to see
My W is proposing that I have the kids from Friday night Saturday daytime Saturday night Sunday daytime Sunday evening then she wil collect or I will drop home Sunday night Then the next week I get them for an addition day if I can
So she gets to have the kids in the days that they have school and I get them every weekend
Anyone else have ts arrangement and how does this work for you
Thank you
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
She is looking to have you take the days when she wants to go out in the weekends.
I have a rotating schedule where we end up alternating and the following week we each have them opposite of the week before. I can post if need be. It may seem confusing but it is fair to both of us. I have also heard some people go week in week off
You can steer this ship and do it together. Why do refer as when she gets them as you dropping them at home?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
what do you want my friend? What arrangement would suit you and make you feel like and an involved father. What arrangement would make you feel like you were the best dad you could be.
And most importantly what is in your children's best interest? What works and in the best interest of your 17 year old isn't necessarily going to work or be in the best interest of your very gorgeous 2 year old.
All this is up for negiotation and mediation G. As Otw said you get to steer this ship.
Run your dream arrangement past us. We may be able to wiggle a little magic wand over it and support you to make it happen! No guarantees but we will certainly do our best.
Ghost, she gets them while they are in school, and you have them every weekend? What do you see in that picture?
At the moment she is taking on a night job working Friday night Saturday's night and Sunday night
I am not totally happy having the kids every weekend she could change her job and get a job working days when the kids are at school and this would then give her every weekend free. I do not get to tell her how she lives her life
She has chosen the weekend job so that she can then be arround for the kids Monday to Friday during the school holidays this would be a difficult time for me to cover I as I would still need to work and so would she
I just feel this is going to get extremely messy Thank you ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
