Thorton I believe your thoughts are dead on. She was able to have some drinks when she was alone. Now she is with you she cant do what she wants in the open.
I dont think this is about you, it is about her battling herself and her issue.
She may not have a problem anymore, but I think that is a slippery slope.
I am not qualified to help you address this with her. I think maybe you should seek some guidance from a professional that handles alcoholism. You may get some insight.
But yes you need to take care of yourself as well right now.
Do some things for you, but I may be wrong for saying this, I wouldnt turn my back on her right now. You could do some research and learning on your own about this situation.
Again that may be my problem though, always trying to fix!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
So I'm thinking of selling our house. She plans on getting her own place and I dont think I will be able to afford it here.
It really hurts that our dream came true and then was crushed in the matter of 6 months once we moved in. We saved for the down payment on this house for a year.
Im still struggling with her betrayal of drinking while we were reconciling. When we reconciled, she told me had a drink one time and I was empathetic as she said she didnt like the way it made her feel. In actuality, she drank for a year while we pieced our R.
It hurts because it was very painful for me when she went away to rehab for a month but I was commited and supported her.
As I look back, I see a broken woman trying to find her way through life. She's been in several abusive relationships with alchoholics. I was a perfect match for her - codependant.
I also have thought about the possibility that she is borderline. The first time she left me, she wanted to get married 2 days before she left.
This time around, she was wanting to look at wedding venues in January and telling me she loved me with all her heart. Alas, she's gone once again.
In our therapy, the counselor mentioned she suffers from a lot of shame. Almost like she doesnt feel deserving of anything good in her life.
I'll admit the last few months have been rough. We've have fought more often and spent time apart. I felt like she was distancing in the R and it caused me react. Im certain there is no OM because she was always where she told me she was going and had pics on FB to prove it.
I really dont know what to think anymore. But I am hurting so bad. The anxiety is the worst and I've just gone on anti-depressants.
It feels like there is no coming back from this one. The look in her eye when she spoke to me speaks volumes.
Sometimes I just need to get my thoughts out and process them. Im very much in a place of fear right now. Not just for my relationship but financially as well if things go the way they are going.
All of my family are about an hour away from me and I haven't made many friends in the city we live in yet. I'm very much alone. WAW has all her friends and family nearby to support her.
Hi Thornton, I'm sorry to see you hear again. I recall reading your sitch in the early days of mine. I think OTW is giving good advice and I agree that slowing right down is a good idea. I know you said about the look in her eye - but truly time will tell how things will unfold.
I think last time for you, a few months of solid DBing turned things around in your sitch. However, it sounds as though some underlying factors weren't addressed - her use of alcohol, some intimacy issues on her part, your own codependency and fear issues. You may not see this right now, but truly try to see what has happened as a gift - some time for you to examine your own part in what has happened and work on areas you want to improve.
From your post above, it sounds as though this is an opportunity to build a support network locally outside of the R. What about a CODA, NMMNG, or Alanon group for example? A way of meeting others locally and getting some support for yourself - or consider some IC too maybe? Does your employer have an employee assistance programme that includes counselling?
As you have been here once already, you have tools and knowledge under your belt that you can draw upon. However, I think it is a case of settling yourself and getting your DB skates back on - and remembering that DB is as much about saving yourself as about saving the R. If you emerge from this difficult time as an independent (not codependent) and fearless (not fearful) person, that would be a success - regardless of whether your SO chooses to come along for the ride.
For now, work on settling yourself, self-care and support in order that you can focus on some of the other stuff. Take care & keep posting my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks so much for your kind words. I think I'm still sort of shell shocked at the moment.
I vacillate between numbness (shock?) to intense pain and anxiety.
Thankfully I was able to sleep a little better last night but for some reason 4am rolls around and my eyes open and the stinkin' thinkin' starts up and I can't get back to sleep.
Concentrating at work has been very difficult.
I do plan on attending some 12 step groups. I had no idea there was NMMNG groups, I will definately look into that.
I have struggled with fear alot. I will tip toe around WAW and try not to piss her off. She can be grumpy and tends to not handle life's stressors very well (as indicative of her alcoholism). As a result, my anxiety slowly turns to resentment and anger and she will snap at me and then I will snap back at her. Rinse, wash and repeat.
Honestly I think alot of my fears stem from a fear of abandonment. My sister was killed in a car accident when I was 10 years old and both my parents were overcome with depression. I REALLY struggled for years.
I noticed I tend to rescue my dating partners (or chose emotionally unavailable or addicted partners). Very codependant.
I was so hopeful for my WAW when she went to rehab and quit drinking. However, she did not attend AA meetings for long after she got out. She remained sober for at least a year but I think she was still carrying around her own pain from her childhood.
Finding out she was drinking for a year while we piecing and hiding it from me felt like a huge betrayal (it almost felt like she admitted to an affair - at least that how it felt to me). She let me know during an argument and I exploded and said a bunch of mean things to her. I'm ashamed of that. Her daughter was in the other room and heard everything I said.
That night I apologized to her and her daughter but the damage was done. It was almost as if her lie to me was swept under the rug. I was fearful she was going to leave me. Ultimately she did 2 weeks later saying she couldn't get over our fight.
In the months leading up to this event, she was definately grumpy and on edge with everyone, including her daughter. Things would be ok and then she would find something to be angry about. It appeared she was picking fights to create some distance in our relationship.
Because of her big mood change when we moved in together, I can only assume she was upset she could no longer drink. When she left me, she said she wanted to get her own place and not have to worry about anyone else except her daughter. This reeks of the same thing she said when she left the first time. I remember back then, she was definatelt struggling with her sobriety.
After typing all this, I realize I definately need to attend Al-Anon.
I really struggle with the fact that WAW can seemingly just get back out there and start enjoying her life with friends etc.
I struggle with loss so when she just ups and leaves and get back out their in her social circle, it really makes me feel like I wasn't valued to her.
I understand I need to put my focus back on me but I just struggle with the thoughts of her out there having a good time without me. Almost like she has been freed from the ball and chain that is me.
It sure does. I know it made me feel like she would never look back at me. But just know if she does you need to show the same thing you are seeing her doing.
Even if you fake it. Very hard to do.
I love reading some of the success stories and how when speaking to the was after the fact they tell actually how they thought about them all the time and were not as happy as they put out there.
They are trying to convince themselves and others just as much
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Well, I had to spill the beans about everything going on with my boss. I'm having a hard time concentrating at work.
She is very supportive but also a little disappointed in my WAW. She saw what I went through when I split from WAW last time and was so happy we were able to reconcile.
This is really hard. Any tips on how you all manage your anxiety during this early stage?
Thorn, you need some friends. Join a gym, a church, a meet up thing. Go hang out at a pub, and stick to drinking coke. Watch a ballgame. Anything and everything to occupy your mind. You can't make yourself not think about it. So, find something interesting and let it take your mind off things.
There is always al-anon. The support group for those affected by someone else's drinking. It won't get your mind off her, but they can teach you how to cope.
Wishing you the best! Be strong, it won't feel this bad forever.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
