The Start of my Happiness 2

[Tyler12]

I forget sometimes that I am only a month into this and it could potentially take years... That's one of the hard things to grasp.
And doing things with the kids for us. I want to send her pics and tell her how great we are. I'm not tho. It's for me and te kids. I don't need to manipulate her with how we are.
It really bothers me that she acts like the older 2 are not here. She asked how the boys were yesterday. And I believe she plans her drop off and pick up so she doesn't have to see older 2. I'm not sure but I am monitoring her actions. She has been a mom to them for over 1/2 their lives and she acts like they don't exist anymore. It troubles me deeply. She saw them the day she moved out and hasn't since or even brought up anything about them. It feels like she doesn't care and it angers me she is being so cold about it. Because they miss her too

I just have to be the parent they need. The stable one right now. The first time I detached I did it all wrong and know how to approach it. I just never thought I would have to go through it again

[sandi2]

It must be terribly discouraging. In the past, I would not post that information, although, I saw more and more LBH'S who I could see just were not grasping how long it took the WW to make a turn back to the MR. Many of them would talk about the WW not "snapping out" of it. The only stories where I observed the WW snapping out of the fog, were the ones where the LBH'S acted quickly with very tough love. For the most part, the LBH'S have been nice-guy types who were much too skittish to do either. Anyway, a few times I decided that maybe the LBH'S need to know that it usually takes much, much longer than they ever dreamed.

There is something else LBH'S need to know. Once she comes back into the M, the issues are not automatically resolved. There have some men who actually stuck around long enough to tell us that they (the LBH) came very close to being the WAS after reconciling. You see, they would be so focused on just saving the M that once they were reconciled, then his issues with the WW would hit him. He would be faced with his own anger and tons of resentment for what she put him and the kids through. Some of them discovered that their forgiveness was doubted, and asked themselves why they weren't happier. Not by the WW, but by themselves (the LBH).! This would always comes after the reconciliation and it would be like he couldn't understand why his feelings about his W had changed. Wasn't this what he wanted? For her to end her affair and go back to him and the kids? Yes, it was. However, after it would seem things should settle down and get back to normal, then all these negative feelings would arise.

We tell newcomers to take very good care of themselves, and that includes mental health. It is a tremulous occurrence in the life of the betrayed. I have learned that much by reading endless accounts of personal pain and outcome from LBS's. To come through it unscathed is not possible, IMHO. The fact that a couple can come back from it, at all, is incredible. They can, but it's not easy and I think they need to know upfront that it is more than challenging and takes a long time b/c of the various stages of how it all plays out.

[pinn]

great posts Sandi... I am glad I caught them.

Tyler, I think the most important things is to focus on yourself. I am 7 months into this weird limbo state and while I do occasionally spin, most the time I am on solid footing because I focus on myself. I am trying to make myself better in every aspect. I reflect on our marriage and try to figure out my role in the issues. I also am trying to get in tip top physical shape and improve my social skills. All of this takes my mind off her.

Sandi's comments on the LBH becoming the WAS are interesting, I can easily see how that could happen, I can see how it could happen to me. In a lot of ways I think reconciling would be more difficult than where I am at currently.

Best of luck man

[Tyler12]

Thanks guys. I'm working on my gal. Think I need to slow it down a little tho. I feel run down and been ill more In the last 2 weeks than in years. Today was a role reversal. I feel like crap today instead of her. Or she may I dunno. I know I looked better anyway. Not that she looked bad, she looked tired tho.

I smiled through the whole exchange and must have done a good job faking feeling great cause she said she hopes I don't catch what they had.

As for the reversal on WaS. I can see that at times too. I ask myself why I want to work on this. Why put myself In a position for this to happen again. The one unchanging factor is the kids. I want to try for the kids. Some days I love et some days I don't.

I dont know why I never thought of this before. Why don't I act around W like I do around XW? I am civil and polite with her. and unaffected by her bs. No reason W should be any different at this point.

[Tyler12]

Well. I had a good weekend with the kids. We played some games, did some crafts together, played a lot! And I finally watched inside out with them one night.
It always seems to feel like I'm not doing enough with them though they are happy and often the 3 that can talk say they don't want to leave. So that's nice to hear.
I wanted to study a lot this weekend when I had free time. That didn't work out either. I was so tired after playing fri and sat. I just went to bed. Then last night I wasn't feeling good and after dropping off kids I got home and slept for 12 hours until I had to get up for school today. But I feel much better.

So I'm not sure why I did this. Saturday night S3 got sick in the middle of the night. I got up and cleaned him up and his bed and he went back to sleep. In the morning he was fine and played hard all day. I told W when I was dropping the boys off and she got upset I didn't tell her earlier in the day. Like she did when S1 got sick. If I expect her to tell me this kind of stuff why did I feel like I didn't have to tell her the same thing?

After a few upset texts from her about how I wasn't going to tell her etc. I said. I get that your mad and I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier in the day. I should have like you did with S1. I watched him all day and he didn't show any signs of still being sick. I should have told you and I am sorry for that.

I didn't get any response after that probably because she got what she wanted in a apology from me. I feel a bit forced into that apology. I don't see how I did anything wrong as far as he was fine after getting sick. I do see that she had te courtesy to tell me about S1 right away and I was expecting it when we met. I just kind of dropped it on her when we met.

The next thing is I hope she gets paid soon and can start paying me back. I am covering a large chunk of change today and it takes up pretty much all I had saved to get me through school. As long as I tighten up any spending I will be fine. It bothers me tho as after I separated from first W I took up all the debt myself and it screwed me over. W knows this and was with me while we struggled to climb out of the trouble I was in. Now it's almost like I'm headed in that path again. The difference is this time I'm not going to just let it slide. I know that when I do bring it up with her it will be met with anger in her end. It stresses me out

[Zues126]

So I'm not sure why I did this. Saturday night S3 got sick in the middle of the night. I got up and cleaned him up and his bed and he went back to sleep. In the morning he was fine and played hard all day. I told W when I was dropping the boys off and she got upset I didn't tell her earlier in the day. Like she did when S1 got sick. If I expect her to tell me this kind of stuff why did I feel like I didn't have to tell her the same thing?

After a few upset texts from her about how I wasn't going to tell her etc. I said. I get that your mad and I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier in the day. I should have like you did with S1. I watched him all day and he didn't show any signs of still being sick. I should have told you and I am sorry for that.

I didn't get any response after that probably because she got what she wanted in a apology from me. I feel a bit forced into that apology. I don't see how I did anything wrong as far as he was fine after getting sick. I do see that she had te courtesy to tell me about S1 right away and I was expecting it when we met. I just kind of dropped it on her when we met.

You allowed yourself to get forced into an apology because you're afraid of her being mad at you.

You can't nice a WW into being respectful.

This doesn't mean you should be rude or disrespectful to her, only that you can't use her emotions towards you as a compass with which to steer your ship.

In this case you don't even have to apologize. If you agree you could say something validating like 'I hear you feel the children being sick deserves communication. I have no problem doing that in the future.'

If you need your WW's approval to feel good about who you are it's going to be a bumpy ride because she's going to have nothing but spew for months or years. I'd recommend finding alternate places to validate yourself (not other women!).

[Zues126]

I think the point of the response I worded out isn't what I said, it's what I didn't say.

What I said is that I can make an adjustment.

What I didn't say was that I was freaked out that I had allowed her to be upset, and that I was going to desperately beg for the opportunity to find a way to make her no longer mad at me.

I can be respectful, but I'm not walking on eggshells as if her throwing a tantrum hurts me personally. It doesn't. I have a 5 year old that throws a lot of fits. They last about 10 seconds because she knows I don't care and it's up to her if she wants to scream and cry or not, but it won't change my behavior.

[Tyler12]

I understand what your saying Zeus. I'm working on not being effected by her.
It's hard not to tho. I don't want her mad at me, it's tough to take what I know, that she has her feelings about me whatever they may be and her actions toward me and I know that they are not what I would like them to be. I get she has them and I'm still struggling with letting her have her feelings and not be effected by them and doing what i can to change those into positive ones toward me.

I guess what I'm saying is I want to detach and not let her effect me. I feel like I'm not doing a good job at it and want to fix things. I don't know if it's a time thing or if I'm approaching it wrong.

[Tyler12]

I have been contemplating a upcoming issue I have. My youngest son turns one next Saturday and it is a huge deal to me to be with him on his b day. When my D turned 1 I made the decision to go to work that day and miss her party. It is one of my biggest regrets.
The issue is this. Before W left and possible before DB, we talked about the weekend of his birthday. Normally I would get the all the kids Friday. That weekend however D12 and S9 have a dance at school Friday night and have been involved in planning it. So arrangements were made to get them Saturday morning. youngest a b day.

I mentioned meeting with W Saturday at a neutral location to have S1 b day with all the kids and that I didn't see her place as an option as I wasn't comfortable with who may be at the party as well. We never really made a solid plan.

Now the issue is this. I think it's a better option for me to get the boys Friday like i usually do and get the older 2 Saturday and we can do his b day at my place. If W wants to drive up for it I guess that's fine. I just don't really care if she is there or not.

So how would you guys approach this discussion? Just flat out say. I will meet you Friday as normal? And when she brings up S1 bday or the somewhat plans we had how do I say sorry. You chose a separated life, this is how it's going to be.

I am nervous of the anger I am sure I will be confronted with and the possible backlash from it. And also the negative affect on any part of her that isn't done with me.

I know I shouldn't care but I do still

[- MB -]

[quote=Tyler12]Now the issue is this. I think it's a better option for me to get the boys Friday like i usually do and get the older 2 Saturday and we can do his b day at my place. If W wants to drive up for it I guess that's fine. I just don't really care if she is there or not.

So how would you guys approach this discussion? Just flat out say. I will meet you Friday as normal? And when she brings up S1 bday or the somewhat plans we had how do I say sorry. You chose a separated life, this is how it's going to be. [quote]

Tyler, how exciting that your son is turning 1! That should (and will) be a great day. There are times that you and your wife have to put your differences aside and act like adults. As adults, you can get along for one day. Saturday isn't about you or your wife, it's about your sweet little boy and the celebration of his first birthday. That day is about him, so put what he wants above what either of you do or don't want. I can promise that if you try to keep your W away from him on his first bday you will be met with a LOT of anger and resentment.

I think it's absolutely fair that you get the younger 2 on Friday just as you normally would. Then, you can get the older 2 on Saturday. If it were me, I would contact your spouse and tell her what you're planning and see what she says. If she has something different in mind, don't reject it without thinking about it. Just because it's her idea, doesn't mean it's not a good one. Then, perhaps you can both compromise and choose something in that you can both agree on and be happy with. If she is willing to work with you and be willing to compromise, then work with her. If she puts her foot down and tries to run the show, then explain nicely that you would like to work together to make it a wonderful day for him and that you would appreciate her working with you on making sure that happens. If she's still not going to work with you on it, then have it at your house and invite her. At that point, she can either come or not, but you will know that you tired to put your son's happiness above yours or your wife's.

That's just my opinion. I hope it works out well and that he has a great birthday.