Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[inpain]

I too think your H is genuinely interested in your opinion on his job search. He also confirmed it to you.
You answered it very well in both saying it doesn't concern you and that it would have been the dream hours if you were still together.

I think it just upset me that he still values my opinion but doesn't value me enough to work on a R with me.

[quote-=IrishM]As for him helping you. That's great . Is it because he needs to relieve guilt? Is it because he considers you a friend and he's helping out? Is it because the old H is shinning through? I'm sure all these questions and more ran through your head.[/quote]

Yes all of the above ran through my head. Of course, I hoped/hope it is the last one but realistically it is more likely to be the first one. I did thank him but it didn't sound very heartfelt because I was struggling to compose my voice and not cry!

[inpain]

Feel so upset today and have burst into tears as soon as I got home. I just miss H so much. He used to text me all the time throughout the day (and evening if he was at work) and the whole time just feels so empty without him doing that. I don't even get my phone out at break or lunch anymore - I know there will be no messages. H was the only person who contacted me by text. I wonder how he stands it. He was the one who initiated almost all of the texts - surely he must miss that too? I could cry every day when I see all my colleagues on their phones and mine is forever silent. Tired of every little thing making my heart ache. Wish I was as good at detaching as H clearly is.

[NYGal]

inpain, don't try and figure out what H is thinking. You have no idea. He may be missing you but trying really hard not to contact you. That's what my W is doing, I believe. I saw her last Friday and she looked so happy. (So did I, if anyone had bothered to look. Inside I was a mess.) Then a few days later she told me how unhappy she is, and that she made so many mistakes. Which is all well and good, but it doesn't mean we're back together. We're not.

It's OK to cry, it really is, especially now that you're home. The tears are cleansing. If you can't stop, then try deep breathing and try to clear your mind. Or go to a place where no one can hear you (car perhaps?) and shout. For me it's every nasty word I can to describe the OW. Whatever works for you. It feels good. But in the meantime, just keep crying. It's OK.

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain

I too have seen my W so happy. Once parked at the bank laughing it up on the phone like life was so much better. I was a mess and my D's were torn apart. Like NYGal my W messaged me later near Xmas and said it was all her fault, the damage etc. She's not doing anything to fix it but she had a moment of clarity.

So sorry you have this hurt. It is ok to cry. it's normal to cry. Don't hold it in. So glad you share it here though.

keep yourself busy... one day you will look back and you will see your progress.

the first 2 months for me was hell. Seemed like the days were so long and the month lasted forever. I look back now and it feels like 2 weeks have gone by since BD.

Does reading other situations help you at all or does it make is worse? Me it helped me so much to understand all this. To feel like I'm not alone. Than I'm not crazy... and I'm not to blame.

Also the support from others is so valuable.

take care of yourself.
Hugs
Irish

[inpain]

Hi NYGal and Irish

Thank you both so much, I really need support today. My H doesn't even seem happy, that hurts too, he's no happier yet still doesn't want to work on a R.

Reading other situations seems to help and not help all at the same time really. It helps to know I'm not alone and to see similarities between my situation and other situations but at the same time I find it fills me with despair. I don't see any recent success stories (and by success stories I mean R with the WAS). The whole thing just seems so hopeless. My S said today that he doesn't think Dad is ever coming back now. That broke my heart too. Also I've been looking at banking figures and the bills that H wants paying off before he'll go to a solicitor will be paid off on Friday. In one way that fills me with dread that he might go to a solicitor once he knows they are paid off, and in another way the thought of that fills me almost with a kind of relief that at least I'll know, and won't keep torturing myself with the hope that he will come home.

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain

I understand your search for success stories. I did it as well and was so saddened by all the tragic ending and no reconciliations.

I now believe there are many successes. There are so many poster here that are current situations. All like you and me searching for answers. I'll say it again because i really want you to think about it. The answers are in yourself. This forum is about you. Not your H. Or finding that secret recipe to snap him out of it and get him home.

The success stories are probably not even being told. If your H came back and you worked on your R. You wouldn't come here. Many disappear so we never get updates. There are a handful that do come back to share their story. These are amazing souls. Sad thing is humanity is selfish. We all want but many don't give back.

Also so many sitch end in no R. Not because the MLC doesn't come back... it's because us the LBS move on. Find a new love and don't look back.

I know of 3 stories local to people i know.

-1 My bosses best friend. His W left. gone 3 years. he had full custody of his young kids. He waited... She crashed, nearly overdosed and ended up in the hospital. She called out to him for help. they have been back together for the last 2 years . going strong in their NEW relationship together. recently remarried.

-2 My hairdressers SIL - same thing left her brother we will call Mike. 2 years. Mike has the kids. Mike waited a year but eventually met someone. She went nuts when she saw mike moving on. ..Wanted him back. Saying things like how could you do this to me. During the time she was gone she had 5 OM's.. Mike got married last year to his new girlfriend. His ex showed up the day before the wedding and scratch his face so deep it left a scar. Mike did not want the MLC back it was his choice.. too much damage.

3- My brothers neighbor. H left his W for an employee of his. One day happy family the next day moving van. 8 months he was gone.. He was living his dream life of freedom, cashed in his retirement and nearly lost his business. He crashed and he came running back. He had to be hospitalized because his chemical imbalance was affecting his judgement. He was treated and gets bi-yearly follow ups. They are still together. Working on it but He knows he was not himself and regrets it all. He is a changed man. works less hours, even dresses more relaxed.. My brother says it was good for him because the other guy was a jerk.

I've spoken to all of these LBS and none of them even ventured on a site like this. They dealt with it alone. So imagine how many out there don't even come on this forum. And the many that just read the posts without sharing their stories.

I'm sure there are a lot more successes out there. People just don't share.

Don't give up hope if that's what you want. Don't dwell on it either. Let him go.

If and when he comes back. It's up to you if you take him back.

Irish

[inpain]

Thank you so much for sharing those 3 stories Irish. They show that there are so many different endings to these situations. I am really struggling with letting him go. I love him and miss him so much. Missing him seems crazy when he is here almost every day to see the kids, but it is not the same. I know he isn't here to see me and there are no smiles, no hugs and having no contact through texts like we used to do when we were apart feels like it is killing me. I want to text him so badly. Then there is the fact that when he does text about coming round to see the kids there is the larger than life lack of an X on the end. Who would have thought that a simple letter X not being there could hurt so much. I wonder how the people that don't come to sites like this handle the situation? They know nothing of going dark etc.

I also wonder what other people's families say and what they think about our situations. My family seem to think I'm crazy for wanting anything more to do with H after everything he has done and are furious with him for what this is doing to the children.

I have been pondering the whole thing for days now and I just don't see how I can get past my current state of mind whilst I still see H almost every day. Reminding me every day that he doesn't love me.

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain

you are still thinking about what he thinks. If he loves you etc.

What are you doing to keep yourself busy. Even if its just to paint the bedroom a new color. You have to change your thoughts about your H.

Eventually you will stop talking about this to your surrounding family and friends. Do not talk to his family about him... that's a big no no.. In my case my mom is the only one that truly understands that my W is not well. My friends all say get over her and move on. They even ask me " If she comes back can you really live with the idea that she could do this again."

I got to the point I know who supports me and who doesn't judge me.. they let me say what i need to say because holding it all in is no good.

That's what this forum is for. So you can vent here. Talk to others that are living it. Get tips on bettering yourself and hopefully have a better future relationship with your H, if that is what happens... and I hope.

As for texting him... don't. Most times they won't answer anyway or it will push them further away. If you want to write him something, write it on a paper then throw it away.

Have you done any of the homework they sent you when you first joined here and posted? When you start your new thread you should put it in Mid Life Crisis section. You will get more attention to your thread and more support.

Trust me i was exactly how you are now.. I thought of it day and night. I still do but i see it differently and I have disconnected.

many are here for you... keep writing your thoughts and questions... you are not alone.

Irish

[inpain]

Hi Irish

Thanks for your post, you're right, I am still trying to figure out what he thinks and feels, even though it's hopeless.

What am I doing to keep busy? Well, mostly just enjoying time with my kids. It's hard to think of things to do when I feel so low. It is really an effort to actually get up and do the day to day run of the mill things right now.

My Mum vacillates between agreeing he's having some sort of MLC or is depressed, and thinking he's just a selfish *%*% who is showing his true colours. My Dad is just so disgusted with his behaviour that he just wants him out of our lives.

I am being good at not texting him. I just wish I could, that's all.

Yes, I've done all of the homework that is posted on your first posts. Read it all several times. I keep trying to be the lighthouse - that is the story that spoke to me most for my situation. Not sure if it is just allowing H to cake eat though.

I cried in front of H on Friday. H said before Christmas that he wouldn't be going to a solicitor until certain bills were paid. I do all of the banking and I paid them on Friday. I felt so scared about it, because it felt like those bills were the only thing keeping me from being a divorced person. H came round to see the kids and again acted perfectly happy with me, just like old times, like nothing is wrong. Before he left I asked to speak to him away from the children. I told him the bills were paid so he could go to a solicitor and divorce me now. He looked perplexed and confused. I asked him what was wrong, that I thought he wanted them paying off. He said he did, just didn't expect them to be paid so soon. I told him I can't carry on like this any more. That I need to know how my life is going to be because I'm going to have to claim benefits and things without his money to support me. He said, "I know." He said we'd talk about it on Sunday when he comes round. I told him I just didn't understand why we can't work things out as he acts perfectly happy with me when he comes round. He said that getting on when we don't live together is different to getting on living together. I told him again I'm sorry for my part in our M problems and that I don't want a D and wish we could work things out. I burst into tears and asked him if he realises how hard it is for me to have him coming round almost every day, acting OK with me and the kids and then walking out to another home. He said that he hadn't really thought about it because he's just thinking about himself right now. Could have laughed right there, like he needed to tell me he's only thinking about himself! That has been very apparent since the moment he said ILYBNILWY back in September! He said he was sorry, put a hand on my shoulder and then left.


Before our talk the kids had asked him if we could have a film night over the weekend. So we had that last night and H was still chatting away with me as though nothing is wrong. After the film D and I were playing games and having a lot of fun. There was lots of laughter. He just watched like he was watching a film. Didn't attempt to join in. Then he left.

He is supposed to be coming round again today as it's his weekend off. At least this time he is choosing to spend it seeing the children instead of whatever he's chosen to do on the other 3 weekends off he's had since he left us. Perhaps that's a baby step. I'm wondering if he will actually talk to me about the D and finances like he said on Friday or not. I'm thinking that if I don't bring it up he won't. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to go to a solicitor obviously, but at the same time it is hurting me so much having him come here to see the kids almost every day and act like nothing has changed for the time that he is actually here. I read somewhere on here that they don't wake up out of their 'fog' until they actually lose something. This plays on my mind and makes me want to do something different. I don't feel like allowing him to come and go as he pleases is making him lose anything. Nor is it making him see the reality of the life he is creating if he divorces me. At the moment he hasn't really lost anything so what is there to snap him out of his 'fog'?

[Zues126]

Inpain, if you want to save your marriage you'd better step it up. I get that you're in pain and I'm sorry. It's now up to you. Do you want this forum to be a support forum while you mourn the loss of your marriage? Or do you want it to be a support forum to help you save your marriage? There is a difference. Right now you are destroying your marriage and looking for shoulders to cry on. I'm not interested in that. I believe in marriage, which means I believe you have a responsibility to pull it together and do your part. While WAH is responsible for the decision to leave, you are not making it easy for him to return. I'd recommend rereading your posts from the beginning, maybe by seeing the patterns play out repeatedly you could break free. For example:

H said before Christmas that he wouldn't be going to a solicitor until certain bills were paid. I do all of the banking and I paid them on Friday. I felt so scared about it, because it felt like those bills were the only thing keeping me from being a divorced person. H came round to see the kids and again acted perfectly happy with me, just like old times, like nothing is wrong. Before he left I asked to speak to him away from the children. I told him the bills were paid so he could go to a solicitor and divorce me now. He looked perplexed and confused. I asked him what was wrong, that I thought he wanted them paying off. He said he did, just didn't expect them to be paid so soon.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. See, WAH made a casual comment over a month ago about not seeing a solicitor until certain bills were paid. Great. That is something he said. Why did you believe this to be so factual? You literally spent over a month stewing about this comment, then when you referred back to it you surprised him and completely caught him off guard because it's so bizarre that you clung to this offhand comment as if it was written in stone. The fact that he doesn't mean everything he says isn't strange, the fact that you continue to think he does is. I have posted this to you before. There is a reason I keep bringing this up.

I cried in front of H on Friday...

If you want to save your marriage you can't allow your emotions to steer your behavior. Guys have a word for women like this: Crazy. Crazy isn't good. Crazy is unsafe and to be avoided.

I understand these are your feelings. I am not suggesting that having these feelings makes you crazy. It is acting on them in this way that is scary to men.

Consider the reverse with a man acting on his emotion of anger. Suppose you were leaving your husband because you found the relationship to be scary. When you interacted it was sometimes ok, but other times he would lose his temper. When he'd lose his temper he'd get scary, turn red, sometimes throw things around, break things. Let me ask- would that make you feel safe?

When a woman lets her emotions control her behavior it makes guys feel as unsafe as when men do it. They don't understand all of these emotions, they just know that for some reason the woman is ultra intense, and somehow it is all their fault and what they are doing is horribly wrong. This is scary and critical, and makes guys want to go away to where they are safe and good enough. But if you can keep your emotions under control and express them in safe ways, there is a place to be your entire self while still allowing H to be himself without feeling threatened.

I told him I can't carry on like this any more. That I need to know how my life is going to be because I'm going to have to claim benefits and things without his money to support me. He said, "I know." He said we'd talk about it on Sunday when he comes round.

Don't start R talks. You basically asked him to please file a divorce. "H, I want this to be over, the bills you said were in the way have been taken care of, I need the D for legal protection, please file." You are literally pressuring him to file divorce.

I told him I just didn't understand why we can't work things out as he acts perfectly happy with me when he comes round. He said that getting on when we don't live together is different to getting on living together. I told him again I'm sorry for my part in our M problems and that I don't want a D and wish we could work things out. I burst into tears and asked him if he realises how hard it is for me to have him coming round almost every day, acting OK with me and the kids and then walking out to another home.

Validate How can your H possibly feel like you've ever heard what he says when you start in with this? Let me remind you, he left because he felt he spent years of his life trying to find a way to live with you, and went through so much pain he felt destroyed, and that he had to leave for self preservation. He tried to communicate that to you, and your response is 'why can't we work this out'? He TRIED to work it out. He has done everything he could think to do. In a last ditch effort he told you that, thinking maybe, just maybe there was something more YOU could do to bridge the gap. And you dismiss what he's told you and put it back on him to man up and make it work. Not happening.


IP, this is a 2x4 because I haven't seen you get on a DB road. I haven't seen detachment. I haven't heard about GAL. I see no goals set. You haven't talked about 180s and I have seen no changes of any type as a result. You're not validating what he's telling you. And you're breaking most of the 37 rules.

I looked through your old posts and didn't find much of you working on yourself. I found this from the beginning: I know that I have caused some of the situation too - I was angry and hurt for a long time and couldn't seem to stop myself being snappy with him. I suppose I want a chance to show him that I can change that side of me, but there is no chance of doing that when he isn't living here. Clearly you were wrong, you've had many opportunities to show your behavior but haven't used them well.

Meanwhile I can tell your H loves you, he hasn't filed, he continues to spend time with you and with the family. And YOU are a good person, loving, committed, loyal, passionate, and a great mom. You ask H why he doesn't want to work on the marriage...Inpain, why don't YOU want to work on the marriage? The only catch is you don't get to work on it your way, in which you bury your problems, act out your emotions, and wait for H to make it all better...you'd have to work on the marriage the DB way in which you transcend your emotions, challenge yourself, and hold yourself accountable for bridging the gap between you and WAH.

At this point I'd really like to know if you are committed to your marriage enough and believe in the DB approach. If not I'm sure the good people on this forum will support you as you go through your divorce. I just think it would help us to understand what you want from us. DB coaching or comfort?