Wife has filed for divorce

[excile101]

My wife has filed for divorce after 10 years of marriage.
She has been preparing herself for this for a year now and I finally understood that I needed to change when she said that she had had enough. I had a problem with porn online which I have stopped viewing and have started attending therapy. I have improved my parenting skills and act happier every time I am with my wife.
She wants me to move out as she wants to heal and move on with her life. She says she fell out of love with me and I was a bad husband. She doesn't want to work on the marriage or attend counselling but we at least talk about the kids and are ok in each other's company and I compliment her about what she is wearing and that I appreciate her. I feel that underneath she is resenting me being around but I cannot leave until I have more money put aside.

I feel that she has developed an action plan with the divorce papers being point 1 and me leaving point 2. She says she just wants to be happy and has no intention of dating anyone short term. I know she is hurting for what I have done and compares herself to the women in the videos but she won't accept any reassurances that it was not about her and that she is beautiful.

I feel that this situation is steam rolling towards her resolve but would love to know if there is away to slow this down and get her to look at me differently and eventually trust me again.

[PigPen]

Sorry you're here excile. Read up on Trumpet's threads, he's gone through a similar situation as yours.

Cadet will come by soon enough and give you a LOT of homework. Do it. Read all of it. Then read it again.

This is going to be a long haul, but you want it to be. Your wife took a year to prep, she's not going to turn around in a day or so. Start doing the things you need to take care of yourself.

Have you joined any kind of support program for your addiction? If not, I'd do that now. Porn is a tough one, but it's not about the porn, it's about what's underneath it. Start really diving into that, what's underneath and then what's underneath that.

Again, sorry you're here. Use this board, and give back to it and it will save your life at this difficult time.

Good luck to you,

PP

[sgctxok]

Hi exile, welcome to divorcebusting.com! It is a wonderful thing that you have realized that you have an issue to work through and are actively seeking to heal yourself and your marriage. I hope that your wife will be able to soften her heart to see your earnest changes and that a path is made clear for the two of you to rebuild.

Stay the course. This is a great place for support, encouragement, and even to learn tools to strengthen your relationship.

Rebuilding trust takes time, and you understand that. We are with you.

[excile101]

Whilst my wife is at her mothers for the weekend, she sent me this article. I don't know what to make of it.
I don't know if she is trying to use guilt to push me out of the house or if she feels that with space and allowing myself to let go of her, there may be a chance to save the marriage.

...

What do you guys think?

[ARose]

Excile, the advice in the article is actually right on target. You need to focus on yourself and stop pursuing her. I don't know what your w's intentions were in sending the article, but since she is filing for D I would assume that she means what she says. That said, it is not hopeless.

This is a huge opportunity for you to show her that you have changed, not through your words but through your actions. The outcome is uncertain. When we all get to this forum we want to hear that we have a great chance at saving our marriages, but really, we don't know what the outcome is going to be. But you do have a chance right now to turn your own life around, to be a man that only a fool would leave.

Keep posting and keep reading. I am sorry that you are here but this is a great place for support.

[excile101]

Well she spoke to me tonight about how she feels this cloud over her and that we are both in limbo whilst I am living in the house. She wants me to leave asap so she can deal with her feelings but says that although she appreciates me working on my issues, she say that we are on different pages and that we should be ok with each other for the kids sake but she doesn't want to be with me as it didn't work out. She says that by staying I am delaying the inevitable and will only make her ask the lawyer to get involved with a financial settlement.

I feel completely hopeless. She makes it all so final. I don't want to leave but she says I need to put her and how she feels first. She knows that I love her and am living in hope for the future but she isn't interested and wants to be happy as a single mom with no more tension or bad feeling in the house.

Should I go or hold it out? She can't make me leave as we both own the property but although I feel for her, I'm not sure what to do.

[G8r]

excile10,
I am in the same boat except that my WW is a little more adamant about getting me out of our house. She threatened for a 4th time today that she would call sheriff to kick me out of house. Can't really offer you any advice since I don't know what I'm going to do but I feel your pain. All 3 L that I've spoken to say that I should stay but I feel like I would have better chance at R by leaving. Like you, I have no idea what to do. I wish you well and hope things work out for you.

[rich4j]

Don't leave the house (both of you)

I know it stinks as its a hard situation....I am in the thick of the same thing

But depending on your financial sitch and ownership of the home, you leaving could be a bad legal move.

I am not a laywer but I was advised until we reach any sort of settlement...even interim....to stay.

I would consult a L. Don't put yourself at risk if not needed even in a stinky situation.

I do think having space is really needed and hopefully there is a good way to protect yourself and have space

[excile101]

I have been advised to stay in the house until a finacial agreement is reached about the house and the divorce process is in progress. She has no idea that I am going to stay and will use emotional blackmail to try and make me leave.

My issues were partly because my wife found that I had looked at porn on my phone and feels as if I cheated on her with lots of women. That was not how I saw it and have always found my w attractive but we had hardly any intimacy since our second child 4 years ago.

She is hurting badly but is adamant that we cannot continue. She has always needed male attention when she is feeling unwanted and I suspect the case now as she can't leave whatsapp alone.

I am so exhausted that I avoided speaking to her yesterday. She seemed curious as to why. Is there a tecnique I could use that would be helpful to create some distance between us in the house in a positive way? I don't want her thinking that I am sulking and we have to cooperate with looking after the kids.

[Painter]

I agree that you should stay put. Why should you put her needs above your own and the children's needs when she doesn't reciprocate? She is not looking out for your or the children's best interests right now, and she will not appreciate you more for moving out - meaning, it won't save the M. You will shoot yourself in the foot if you move out. This is valuable time for you to remain in the same house and divorcebust.

You may feel like you have ignored her needs so now you should do this, at least - but it is not the right need to fulfill.

If she wants space, she can move out and you can stay with the children. Why do so many men assume the children go with the wife?

*She* is the one who wants to leave - not you. She can find a solution if she wants. You don't help her reach a goal that you don't want. Let her live the consequences of her choice.

Was the advice to not move from a L? If not, talk to one so you are prepared for what *might* come.

She can't see you as sulking if you are neighborly friendly with her when you interact, but keeping it brief is best. Her curiosity is a good thing.

Can you say a little more about what was wrong besides the porn? You said she wanted male attention when she felt unwanted - did she feel unwanted by you?