Extremely confused

[keefa]

Hi all.
Well a very odd weekend for me. WAW took boys against our arrangement and just disappeared. I knew they would be safe and probably having fun so didn't dwell but it was strangely peaceful and I had space to breath. I closed WAW bedroom door and didn't go in there once. I went to bed exhausted friday night, slept heavy and woke up Saturday determined to carry on living. I did the cleaning, ironing etc ( nothing new for me) but also re-arranged the kitchen how I want it as WAW is moving out. I carefully stacked all her nic nacs cookbooks etc in a spare room and got it looking how I like it. I went shopping, took my pooch for a long walk, got home, did some pottering on my kit car and cooked a lovely dinner. It was strange, very peaceful and relaxing in a strange way. I had a phone call from her mobile at 10pm, no talk from her, just my eldest in fits and sobs crying his heart out because he wanted to come home. I managed to console him well enough telling him i loved him and i'm still here and excited to see them both. Sunday WAW came home. Not a word between us. But she promply went around putting the kitchin back to how she does it ( strange when she is moving out in a week) She also is selling one of her cars. She came in sheepishly an hour later asking for my help (I'm a mechanic) but I told her, "sorry, it is no longer anything to do with me or any of my business. If the guy buying it want to book it in with me i'd take a look but would charge as a normal customer"
She is nothing but hostile towards me but I don't care. i spend my time with my boys and do my thing.
I'd welcome feed back as it has been a major step for me....

[TxHubby]

She came in sheepishly an hour later asking for my help (I'm a mechanic) but I told her, "sorry, it is no longer anything to do with me or any of my business. If the guy buying it want to book it in with me i'd take a look but would charge as a normal customer"

This is great detaching. So many people mess this part up or don't realize the freedom they have when their partner is acting flaky and wants to separate or divorce. My own wife would still want me to do things for her or tell me what to do (she loves to tell me what to do). I stole a line from American Beauty and told her very calmly that she doesn't get to tell me what to do anymore. There were also times when I was going out at night to do some GAL and she'd want to know everything about where I was going or what I was doing. I'd tell her that I plan my comings and goings with my team and she doesn't want to be part of that team any longer so she doesn't need to know anything about what I have going on.

They want what they can't have. Maybe that's a stupid concept but it's the God's honest truth. If you're a guarantee then they don't want you. Never be a guarantee for anyone. A true loving marriage is where you both never stop trying to earn the other's love. Never take each other as a given. We both did that. When she strayed I wised up and changed. She didn't respond so I gave up and moved on. That was the thing that got her back, ironically enough, is when I no longer wanted her.

Anyway, good job, keep it up.

[TxHubby]

*forgot to add, if your detaching/GAL is making her mad then you're doing it right. Again, good job.

[mahhhty]

Never take each other as a given. We both did that. When she strayed I wised up and changed. She didn't respond so I gave up and moved on. That was the thing that got her back, ironically enough, is when I no longer wanted her.

I'm confused Tx. This doesn't seem to match your signature? Which says you are currently together.

[keefa]

the hardest part was hearing my boy cry for me. That was tough to deal with. Also when her and the guys buying her car were out there trying to get it going I was so close to going to help as it is in my nature, but I resisted and to be honest felt a bit smug too as I know I can fix it. As you said Tx, she is not on my team any more.
She was looking at me with daggers but I had in mind the 37 rules and just left it and made myself a brew and played with my boys.
ILYBINILWY should be next to 'we can still be friends'...oh...you think so ? Feeling stronger today as you can probably tell but it's still not what I want..... I want the person I knew as my wife back.

[TxHubby]

Never take each other as a given. We both did that. When she strayed I wised up and changed. She didn't respond so I gave up and moved on. That was the thing that got her back, ironically enough, is when I no longer wanted her.

I'm confused Tx. This doesn't seem to match your signature? Which says you are currently together.

I no longer wanted her at the time. I had given up and told her I was filing for divorce. She thought I was bluffing. I wasn't and I filed. The day she got served changed her. All traces of MLC vanished in an instant. All of her insanity, cruelty, stupidity, and self-destructive behavior vanished. Poof. Getting served D papers sobered her up and she realized that her 28 year marriage was going bye bye. I think something that hurt me was being on record for decades saying I don't believe in divorce and that anything can be worked out and that I'd always be by her side. In retrospect those are dumb things to tell any spouse. Why would you give them such a guarantee without any footnotes? There should be an asterisk by the "I'll always stand by your side*"

*As long as you honor your part of the marriage.

Don't ever be a guarantee for anyone. She had the luxury of me being a guarantee. I forced her to choose a life because I said I'm removing your option of the current situation where she leaves me hanging in limbo and miserable while she explores her options.

Bullsh!t. I'd never put myself through that again. You don't get to decide the future of my life. I do.

Anyway, we're still together and really working on everything. Sites like this were very helpful but are not gospel. You take some things from here but some of the advice her may not work for you at all. In my case it was exposure of the affair that gave me my first opening to change the dynamic of the situation. I don't think any marriage/relationship guru has it all figured out or they'd be batting 1000 and none of them are. Pick and choose pieces of advice that works for your situation.

[keefa]

I am struggling today. I have been positive for nearly a week but today tears just keep forming. I am fairly sure this is the grieving process and mostly a sad reflection of how lonely I have been for some time. Probably since our boys were born. I know this is a cliche. I am still GAL. WAW is almost completely out of the house. Lots of boxes of hers and my boys things. I am very slowly realising they are not gone for good and of course I will see them, but there is something deeply seated in my aspirations of fatherhood, having my boys run in and jump on my bed in the morning or playing dragons before school. I guess it is the loss of my family and fatherhood as well as my dreams of growing old together with someone I had total trust and vulnerability with. These dreams have been decimated.
I have been on long walks with my pooch most mornings. It does help clear my head. I am struggling so much with detaching / not helping WAW but don't want to be a jerk about it but she is not talking to me at all still so I guess I am off the hook and won't be asked for anything. Feeling like I am not needed as well as not wanted is hard to deal with. I don't value myself anymore.
It is limbo and I feel like I am treading water but slowly sinking.

[Wet]

Hi keefa, yes, it is normal for you to struggle today. Your W filed for divorce, she is moving out, she is taking your sons. Your feelings of loneliness and sadness are normal. Embrace the sadness today, and try and get back on track tomorrow.

B/c you don't want her to move out, do nothing to help her move her things. Get yourself out, and occupy yourself doing other things. You are not being a "jerk" by not helping her.

You have my best wishes.

[sandi2]

So sorry, Keefa, it must be very tough. It will be an adjustment for you. Allow yourself today to just feel.

[mahhhty]

"I guess it is the loss of my family and fatherhood as well as my dreams of growing old together with someone I had total trust and vulnerability with. These dreams have been decimated. "

Keefa - Keep in mind you are still a father. And your kids will need you more now than ever. Life goes on, be adaptable, move along with it and make your kids a priority. Good times are still to come.