Hey everyone, I am recently new to this site. I will just give a run down on mt situation. I'm 24, husbands 26 kids are 5&3. We have been married 4 years and together for 7.
I was completely shocked when my husband told me he wanted a trial separation because he was leaning towards a divorce but doesnt know what he wants. He said he loved me as the mother of his children but not in love with me at all. Very surprising after he just spent almost 2000$ less then 3 months before to take us on a family cruise for my birthday- our wedding anniversary. I went to my mothers with the kids for 3 days while he collected stuff and moved out into his parents spare room across town.
In the beginning, I did the begging, crying, calling non stop, pretty much made him snap on me after about a month of wanting him home. He said he wanted a divorce, wanted to get rid of me, has never loved me, was forced into marrying me, etc and had even told his friends he felt like he was forced into marrying me because we were young and had kids early.
THAT is when it hit me, oh man I'm getting a divorce. This isn't a small phase or fight. That is when I got serious about saving my marriage. He left December 5th and our fight was about January 6th. I asked him not to make a decision like that while in the middle of a fight and he said okay( his parents told me the day before that he told Them he was confused on how he felt and just needed time to think so I HOPE he threw out divorce in anger but who knows). I told him I'm never bringing up the divorce again and we will talk when he is ready.
He had a 3 week vacation January 1-19 where he wad home almost everyday to spend time with our children and it was emotionally hard on me. Him being home made me miss Him so much when he would leave. We are back to our normal schedule of I'm living in our home as a stay at home mom(looking for a job!) and he pays for everything still and lives at his parents for free. He never wanted me to work and always wanted me to be able to stay home with the kids until they went into kindergarten.
Since then (Jan 19th) I have been doing the 180 technique. (Since he left in December)I'm getting up, doing my hair, my make up, looking cute, perfume, getting my nails and hair done..EVERYTHING I USED to do before kids and "letting" myself go. I know I got into this phase where I would throw my hair in a bun with yoga pants and call it good for the day. Awful I know.Making sure my house is spotless, and little things I know he always ask me to do BUT id only do it half the time. BUT As of January 19 I'm actually following a lot more of 180 techniques.
I'm less available, I told him for the first time NO, I cant cancel my plans since you changed the hours you wanted to visit but you can come later once I'm home, stopped calling or texting, I'm very happy around him, going over to friends, losing weight ( ive lost 20 lbs since being separated and down to a size 12 from 14).
I THINK its sorta working. He asked to come home one night and slept in our bed, snuggling and holding my hand.( all him, I was asleep when he got here. Confused me on why he wanted to come but I didnt ask or bring it up the next day.) He asked if it was okay to go see a friend and play cards even though he said he would spend the day at home with the kids (first time ever asking since our separation), I told him I didn't care and its up to him. He noticed my hair was dyed (because he smelled it when he hugged me, he said he could smell the hair dye in it mixed with shampoo.) He was going with a good friend of ours somewhere and they drove 30 mins out of the way to see if I was home, then called my phone non stop and resorting to calling my mom to get a hold of me, he usually will call once or just send a text but now he will call me every 5-6 minutes until I answer or until he needs to go into work or something. He mentioned my lipstick yesterday and asked why I'm wearing lipstick and who im kissing ( literally worn it everyday for almost 2 months now.) He also asked why I'm so happy. When he left he took 90% of his clothes and I noticed that about 1/2 is back (for now??)
I'm trying to not get excited, I'm trying to see this is possible small changes that maybe he misses me..maybe he doesnt. Going to read DB again and REALLY try to add more things to 180 on!I really would like our marriage to work. As much as this separating [censored] I'm actually partially grateful because I've changed a lot of things about myself AND realized that while I may have waited on him hand and foot and thought I was a god wife. I really was kinda controlling, nagging, lonely -needy wife(always home alone with the kids so I would want his free time with me).
My goals are giving him space, 180 some more things, try not to get excited over little things, get a job..hit my goal weight ive been trying to hit for 3.5 yrs..-20 lbs to go! I'm trying. I still have my..after the kids go to sleep cry in bed for a long time and think about what he is thinking. Anyone have any thoughts or anything? I don't talk much about it with people. We told our close friends and family but we aren't putting it on social media or friends we aren't close with.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
He is clearly noticing that you are making some changes. The question is, are you doing them for him or for you? Be the best Rednail and Mom you can be...for you!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
P.S. Your display name is really clever since you mentioned that you are getting your nails done again. Such a treat!
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Rednail, sorry you're here but you can't find a better group.
So far you're off to a great start. My only tip at the moment is not to measure your progress with his behavior. You've got a graph with two different lines: Your behavior, and his. Yes, the whole point of DB is that you can influence the M without changing him (it takes one to tango)...but make sure to pat yourself on the back when you're doing well, even if it's the day he decides to see a lawyer or something. I hope it doesn't go that direction, but if it does don't think it reflects on how well you are doing. The hardest thing about marriage is that you really can't control him, so keep doing the great work on you and have faith that whatever happens life will work out.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thats actually good advice. Thank you. I know I need to try to remember that! Focus more on me! Im thinking of making little goals for me to accomplish to keep me motivated.
Rednail - Im sorry that you are here and for the situation you find yourself in.
Originally Posted By: Rednail
I THINK its sorta working. He asked to come home one night and slept in our bed, snuggling and holding my hand.( all him, I was asleep when he got here. Confused me on why he wanted to come but I didnt ask or bring it up the next day.) He asked if it was okay to go see a friend and play cards even though he said he would spend the day at home with the kids (first time ever asking since our separation), I told him I didn't care and its up to him. He noticed my hair was dyed (because he smelled it when he hugged me, he said he could smell the hair dye in it mixed with shampoo.) He was going with a good friend of ours somewhere and they drove 30 mins out of the way to see if I was home, then called my phone non stop and resorting to calling my mom to get a hold of me, he usually will call once or just send a text but now he will call me every 5-6 minutes until I answer or until he needs to go into work or something. He mentioned my lipstick yesterday and asked why I'm wearing lipstick and who im kissing ( literally worn it everyday for almost 2 months now.) He also asked why I'm so happy. When he left he took 90% of his clothes and I noticed that about 1/2 is back (for now??)
Zues gave you some great advice. It's working if YOU feel better. Dont judge your success on how HE behaves.
That said, why are you sleeping in the same bed and snuggling and such? It seems like you are allowing him the beenfits of being married after he said he didnt want to be married anymore.
Originally Posted By: rednail
My goals are giving him space, 180 some more things, try not to get excited over little things, get a job..hit my goal weight ive been trying to hit for 3.5 yrs..-20 lbs to go!
These are good in concept. But I think you need to be more measurable. How will you know if you are 'giving him space'? What discrete actions are you going o do or not do? Try to make your goals as specific and measurable as possible. That way you can look back and really judge whether you accomplished them.
