My wife and I are separated. I am an attorney. Her complaints about me are primarily lack of intimacy and neglect. I of course thought we were in a rough patch but did not know it was that bad. How quick your world can change!
Any way she is working on moving out of the house. I have helped her locate a place to rent and continue to look for others. That seemed to help her attitude toward me. She also mentioned divorce and having the complaint drafted which she knows I could just print up. I have done that but god it is going to kill me to give them. I said I would just leave them at the house but I really want her to wait before filing. It seems the longer we are away from each other (2 weeks now) and the times I do not have melt downs, her attitude gets better toward me. But if I ask her something regarding our marriage it goes back down.
Should I leave a note with the papers that says: "Here are the divorce papers you asked me to draft. I just ask you save them for a couple months before filing. However, I leave that up to you and trust you will make the right decision."
Any suggestions would be appreciated!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It seems the longer we are away from each other (2 weeks now) and the times I do not have melt downs, her attitude gets better toward me. But if I ask her something regarding our marriage it goes back down.
STOP asking - read the 37 rules. You want to give her space.
Originally Posted By: TimR
Should I leave a note with the papers that says: "Here are the divorce papers you asked me to draft.
I personally would not unless you really want to be divorced.
There is not going to be any magic thing that is going to FIX this right this minute.
Start reading the homework, stop begging, pleading and bargaining with her.
But if I do not give them to her, will she see that as me trying to control her? Or should I just wait until SHE specifically requests I give them to her? BTW this is one of my topics I am going to speak to my counselor about tomorrow...
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Welcome to the madhouse that we call the DB Boards. I am so very sorry you have found yourself here. There is a lot of love and support here and you will find good people, helping other good people.
Strap yourself in because you are in for a bumpy ride. It can be painful and overwhelming, but the rewards from this journey are huge. I'm not sure if you were a lurker before posting. Some of us were so learned the DB lingo before posting.
You will hear alot about GAL - Get a Life, doing a 180's, NC - no contact, LRT- Last resort technique, and detaching and boundaries, and validation.
Read and study everything that has Cadet has provided for you for homework. There's gold there.
What ever you are expecting from DBing, it will not happen overnight. This journey is one of saving yourself yourself, so you MIGHT, save your marriage.
My journey here is different from other's but I have a huge respect for the people here and MWD's work. This journey will be transformational if you let it.
There are vets (who know Dbing like the back of their hand) and other posters with experiences in number of sitches that marriages go through. Let them be your guides.
Expect to be challenged like never before. Remember kindness can be cruel at times, so expect a 2 x 4 every now then, when someone sees you falling in the same hole over and over again.
So you get the most from the board, keep posting regularly, I mean like frequently. It will allow others to get to know you and your sitch. Post on other people's there, if you have no advice to offer, offer support. Giving to other's allows for two things, 1. It FEELS GOOD and 2. You personally gain insight when you provide other's with advice, information and empathy.
Again Tim sorry you are here, but welcome to journey of a life time.
The longer you can wait to print the papers, the better TimR. As Cadet always says, we have been given the gift of Time. Use it wisely.
Is she in an affair? Did you have any info on background that could help us?
My W and I might be reconciling this week - I was served on Friday. I would rather see people not have to pay for court filing fees/retainers when they don't have to. You being an attorney makes it really easy for her to ask for a D. Maybe if she wants the D she files?
Either way, have you really neglected your wife? No intimacy? Work taken over? Family/work/life balance way off? We are always half the equation. Are you cleaning up your side of the street? You can't fix her, her street is hers to fix.
Just throwing these things out there. Keep posting - journaling here has been really good for me. The posters, many of them vets here, are unbelievably good.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I posted about the Divorce Papers and one of the comments was to give some more information. Rather than just reply I figured I would do this as a new post. Sorry if this is a breach in custom. Also I have not memorized all the abbreviations so forgive me for not using them yet. Finally, I have the book Divorce Busters but am only on Chapter 5 so far. Some of it I am not sure I understand so will have many questions.
In my family there are the four of us. Me, her, and my two step kids. I love my step kids as though they are my own. That is easy to say but I REALLY mean it. The one is into a sport I excelled at, so I coach his jr. high team and run a club that teaches kids. I also run him to other lessons. We are always together. The older and I used to click too but now he is a teen and parents are not cool. He also has jealousy issues with the other.
About my marriage. Simply put I was neglectful. Even before marriage my wife would sleep on the couch. It started as once here and there. At that time I would ask and she would just say she fell asleep. Then I would try and get her back to bed and would fail. So I would give up and the dog would sleep in the bed while my wife slept on the couch. Then she would complain about the dog in the bedroom. I would be mean and tried kicking him out for awhile but when she would not come back I would give up. Then I just gave up trying. After marriage we RARELY had sex. We have only been married 3 years but I lived together for 4 years before that.
Then the fights started about sex. I would try and touch her and get "why are you doing this you never touch me?" Next time I tried it would take me longer to work up the nerve. Finally, it took a whole year with no contact for me to try and get rejected. Some times I would blow up about it and say this is no marriage. One time I took off my ring for about a month or two. I would pout and say mean things. She then would do the same. Talk about the cheeseless tunnel?!? We tried counseling and she walked out after the second session. I did a reconciliation letter and tried leaving little notes and sending flowers. This did not go over well and she said it was creeping her out.
Now there is a guy whom she speaks with via text and social media. Maybe more than one. I do not know if it is physical. We are separated. I am living out of the home and soon she is getting an rental.
Like I said I am only on chapter 5 so far. Also I think I can not ask tell her my wants yet. She is very angry and we have had fights where I have slipped back to blame. I did help her find the rental in order to ensure the kids stay in the same school district. She actually warmed a bit and said she appreciated my help and thanked me. I am noticing the small things.
My goals are: Her to allow one or both of the boys to stay with me occasionally on weekends.
For her to initiate a face to face conversation about something pleasant, not our current state of our relationship.
And to begin just small text messages to talk like we first started out.
Are these specific enough Action Goals?
If I were to Tell her My Wants, keeping it small and realistic I would say: I want us to still be friends and cooperate especially when it comes to the boys.
Any advice is certainly appreciated.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Hi Tim, welcome aboard. No matter the point in the journey, this community is a great source of support. Stick with us and post often, and you'll receive more replies.
I'm going to start out by asking you why did you marry her if she was already sleeping on the couch and the sex was an issue? When she did have sex with you, did she seem to enjoy it and was satisfied?
I could not help noticing something in your post. Before you told us anything about your W, you talked about the boys and how much you loved them. Then, when you listed your goals, they were your very first one. I think it is admirable and says a lot about you. I'll admit, however, I had the question to cross my mind, if you really M her for the sake of the kids. Clearly, you want to be a family with them. Is their biological father active in their lives?
How long has she been living in a separate place, and what is the interaction with her?
If you had another chance, what would you change in order to give the MR a better chance of being stronger?
Did you never talk to her about what you wanted in the MR? Did you know what her emotional needs were?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
