Hello dearest Lou. I love the self-awareness and your clear-eyed assessment of what you did in the past and what you are doing now in contrast, the owning of your responsibilities.
I had some of that same realization with the latest roof leak. I too used to call H and blast him with it all, not realizing what feelings it would bring up in him. We can only do better from here, eh?
I love your attitude about work. Very long-range/big picture. Perfect perspective to get you through. Great job! Keep going!!!! I love it!
Oooooh, wish we could see your cushions! I cannot sew, Lou. I can do many many things, but alas, not sewing and not hanging things on walls (not without chipped plaster and a million zillion holes in the wall). I wish I could though. How about some matching curtains as the next project?
Your upcoming time off sounds like it will be fun with a few challenges thrown in. But you will get through it all with flying colors Lou. You're amazing! xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Its been a couple of weeks since my last update, I dont have much to tell you really, so its just a bit of journaling instead.
Decisions:
Its been a very up and down time emotionally, I feel all over the place. I think my biggest problem has been Decisions - being so indecisive. As a child/teen my mother controlled my decisions, she made them all for me, then I met h and he did the same, it was normal to me, maybe that is why I was drawn to him. So when h left me I was thrown into having to make decisions for myself. I struggle with it, the fear of making bad ones has me sitting in indecision which I know is not a good place to be. I read this week that indecision is in itself a decision, its a choice, I am choosing not to decide and therefore risking losing out on possible great things in my life. I feel that living in my current limbo is making me worse, I have a bad case of the "what if's" !!
Last week I had a terrible week at work, I can't seem to get my new support person to have the same work ethic as me, her productivity level is low and her speed just getting from a-b is tortoise pace, it drives me insane. A colleague explained to me that I work at a higher level than most and should not expect others to follow suit ....zero expectations ha ha.
On top of all that I decided after months of indecision (!!) to go and see my Dr about a mole that has appeared and changed over the past year. He has referred me to a skin specialist, my appoint is mid feb. While I was there he noticed I have not been to see him since 2014 so decided to do full blood work and asked if anything else was causing me troubles - I mentioned my fingers and knees being in pain, said I presume its a bit of RSI and before I knew it he was looking at my hands and talking arthritis. It looks like I have osteoarthritis in my fingers and knees, my left hand being the worst - swelling around the joints. Blood tests confirm its not any other type so I now have to have a x-ray to confirm but he is pretty confident that this is what is causing the pain. So I am now taking Glucosamine, Chondroitin and fish oils to try and slow down the process. Getting old su$ks !!
As for h - he text me the day after he arrived back in NZ safely. He text me again in the week, just chit chat stuff, I had no idea what to say to him so it ended up a short conversation. He rang me Sunday 17th, he wanted to talk about our car project, saying its not cost effective and thinks we should cut our losses with it. He also told me that s21 has moved in with him to save money for a trip. He said its not ideal but he will be away a lot with work over the coming year so having a dog sitter will be handy. He talked about the things he has planned for the next few weekends - a buskers championships, camping , going to visit a friend. He mentioned skyping with his mum, said she is doing ok. I replied that that was good and that FIL had emailed to tell me about his surprise visit and how its gone down well with everyone - h replied "I guess so". Odd answer, that's the problem with texts, no tone to the speech.
And that was the last I heard from him, he has gone into his world again. There has been no mention of seeing me again, no talk of xmas or his trip. I have not asked and he has not offered. The last time he went this quiet he had met someone else, she was his new focus. Nothing I can do about it if he has, it will be the end of the road for me if there is a new ow .....oh look, I made a decision lol
I don't know if he is doing what he did once before - waiting for me to inciate the contact - he pointed out that its always him so will wait for me to "give in". Its like he is testing me to see if I am still interested and I am sitting back and waiting him for him to show me the action and prove this wanting to be in my life is not just words from him. The funny thing is ...and I know I am rambling on in a nonsensical way ... that if I get in contact he will be as polite as always, and if he contacts he will say something bright and breezy like How's you day going; like we only spoke yesterday, not over a week ago ! IDK, are we in a Mexican stand off now lol.
On top of all this I have had a look at my finances and savings for my girls trip end of Feb and see that I can't really afford or justify the cost of it. I want to go, I really do, I know it will be a lot of fun and laughing, but at the cost of my low bank balance. The right thing and utterly sensible thing to do is to not go, face up to the fact that this is my life now; living paycheck to paycheck. I have saved some each week, but not really enough for the trip - well not enough for their kind of trip, I dont want the pressure to spend more than I have and I dont want to spoil their holiday by asking them not to do the things they want to do. They have the luxury of partners and income, I haven't, its a reality that slaps me in the face quite often at the moment.
So with all this going on, I got very very drunk on Friday night ...alone ...this is not good. Thankfully my wonderful g/friend in the uk was online and kept me company all night. The following night her and my other wonderful g/friend also got drunk and spent the whole evening trying to get me to fly back to the UK so they can look after me - bless them lol.
So back to decisions -
What to do about work: the damage its causing me, but I need income. What to do about my trip: I so need some time out, but can't really afford it. What to do about h: Do I contact him with a hi, hows your day going, or do I remain quiet, taking the silence as him processing whatever he has going on in his head. What to do about going to the UK: I could do this, take a sabbatical for a couple of months, I put enough away for an emergency flight and my g/friends would put me up, I could pick up some casual work for spending money.
So far I have come up with June. Giving myself until June to decide what I want to do. June is 2 years since he left, 1 year since he told me he wants me and its my b/day month, another year older.
I know I can't keep going along like this, feeling this way, living this joyless life, its not a life, its an existence, always waiting to see what is around the corner. It obvious that h is still deep in C, his peek outs seems to be less often now, I have no idea what he wants anymore, I am not convinced he does either.
Okay, well re reading this it is just a long ramble and jumble of thoughts. Just remembered I have work today lol. So off to do battle with another day. Sorry its so long, a lot going around in my head right now.
Lou, I'm sorry to read about your health issues. If you are wearing heels to work, then you will need to start wearing flats that have a good sole/support on them for hitting the concrete/tile floors. Also, I discovered for myself, that if I ate foods that had a lot of salt in them, my knees would hurt. I don't know if that would happen to you, but you might want to pay closer to attention to what you are eating to see if something is making your knees and fingers hurt more. The OTC meds didn't work for me.
I ended up having a partial left knee replacement 3 years ago this month because of the same situation that you are in. I'm doing great and there is no pain in the knee now. The surgeon advised me that my right knee will need to be done when it starts to give me a fit...but for now...it's okay.
As for your h, he is no where near ready to recommit to you and the marriage. He's still looking to you as a friend and someone he can talk to about things. I am going to suggest that you text or call him once in a while. Not every day, but at least once a week.
As for your trip w/your girlfriends, if you don't have the funds, I would be honest w/them about your situation and cancel the trip. You can't put yourself in a financial bind right now because you don't know if you'll need what you have socked away for an emergency.
For now, I think you need to focus on your health issues and see what your options are for some relief to your knees and fingers. BTW, stress doesn't help when it comes to our health (I know you know this already...but just a reminder.)
Lou, it's okay to try something different w/your h. We advise here that if something isn't working, try something different and see what kind of reaction, if any, you'll get, i.e., positive or negative.
Please take care of yourself and get some really good flats to wear. Your high heel days are pretty over because of your knees for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi job, thank you so much for your reply and advice.
I am going at near running speed all day to keep up with deliveries and am up and down ladders putting excess stock away so I wear trainers, they have a memory foam insole to cushion the impact. At the moment the pain is when I go to sit or stand, really feeling it more after being still for a while. My hands are the worst though - they feel hot and when I make a fist it feels like I am wearing really tight gloves. a couple of joints are starting to look deformed (dr suspects spur growth) and are painful to touch. My job has exasperated it, the repetitive motion of handling small items all day long. The lesson learnt in not to wait so long going to a dr when something is troubling me !!
Good idea re diet, I will look into it. Its all a bit new to me so will need to read up. Just getting my head around it, 45 and my body has had enough already ! I know it means I cant stay in my job, its aggravating it and I need to think of my future, I hopefully still have a few years left in me and would prefer to spend it as active as possible !
As for h, it taken a while for me to see it and I know that you drum it in to us all about zero expectations, but any glimmer of hope he gives does tend to get me going further ahead than he can give me, I do feel this is a normal reaction, we are emotional beings and I would rather feel them than be void of them. He has said he wants me and us and this is what he is working towards so I have to have faith and trust that this is indeed what he is doing and over time this will become evident. It is hard though, he came forward all guns blazing and 6 months later we are no further forward, boy, when you say this re connection process is long you sure do mean it !!
As for g/friend trip. Yesterday I thought, nah, I will go, what the heck. But today, I know that its not the right thing, I worked out how much I need to save for Feb bills without the trip included and like you point out job, what if I have an emergency. Yes they will understand if I don't go and I would not want to hold them back doing extravagant things because of me, I would also feel really bad if they chipped in to help me out; whilst a lovely gesture I am not a charity case, this is my reality right now and they and I have to accept - hopefully one day my position will change. It will be hard seeing all the fun photos they post, but it is what it is.
I have decided though to still take the time off. Its unpaid as I used my holiday up last year, but I feel I need some time off to allow my body to have a break, its telling me it needs it. I have saved enough to cover the lost wage and cover my feb bills, so anything I save from now will be able to go into my emergency pot.
Lou, I hear you on the knees! I went through that for about 8 years thinking it was a tendon issue until one day, I had to sit and try to figure out how I was going to walk to my car in a shopping mall lot. Nothing wears you down like pain. I wish that I had more to offer you in the way of info, but I can only tell you what I had discovered about my own situation. Are you taking any Aleve or Advil? They helped me with the pain.
I agree, the job you are in isn't helping your joints! Since you are now aware of what's going on, it might be time to start searching for new employment. Do you have any idea what you may be able to do and not aggravate your condition further?
I think some time off will help your body to heal and hopefully cut down on some of the stressors too. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just done a hard phone call. Told my g/friends I wont be joining them on the trip. It was a hard conversation to blurt out, but I have done it now and actually whilst I am gutted I am not going, I feel relieved. I know it is the right decision for me.
Thank you so much on the advice re my joints. I take Nuramol (a mix of paracetamol and ibuprofen) when the pain is unbearable, but I am trying not to take anything if I don't have to, I dont want to become reliant. I have just read that salt, sugar and alcohol are triggers - well that's my life over ha ha.
As re your thoughts on h I text him this morning, just to say hi. As i mentioned before, he is all bright and breezy, like we only spoke a few days ago ! Will leave it at there and let him carry on with his day.
I'm sorry you had to make the call to your g/friends, but I do think it was a wise decision considering the fact that you didn't all enough money stashed away for the trip at this time. There will be another time to go w/them and you will be feeling much better by then (hopefully).
I didn't want to mention sugar to you because I didn't want to bring you down on all of those "good" things we like to add to our diet. Try to reducing the amount of each of the items and start drinking more water and see if that helps some. I know that when I reduced all of them, my "joints" felt better.
I hope that your h finishes baking up and make a move toward reconnecting completely. It does take a long time for this to happen and generally people get so discouraged the opt for moving on and leaving the crisis people in their rabbit hole.
Again, please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lou, I am sorry to hear that you had to cancel your trip and that you are having some hard times at work. I was going to say that I would probably still take a vacation, even if I would have to pay some debt later. But, it is me. I am glad that you got some relieve after talking to your GFs.
Have you ever tried the celery juice? It had a lot benefits, plus it is used as an anti-inflammatory for the joints specifically. I take it when I have some inflammation due to gout (I’m a red wine drinker.) My sister and her H also swear by it. All you need to do is buy a bunch of celery (I’m talking North American celery stalks) and put it through the juicer, if you have one. You can google what makes it so special in reducing the joint inflammation. Another thing I’ve been taking is turmeric supplement, which is also very powerful anti-inflammatory natural remedy for any inflammation in your body. I buy it in powder and put a tea spoon in my juice every morning. I like the taste, but I’m weird this way, I like all kinds of natural herbal/earthy tastes. You can also get it pills. You need to do it consistently though to get the benefit. Ibuprofen can be taken up to 6 capsules a day for a few days (2 capsules 3 times a day.) There is no dependency risk. You can try it for a couple of weeks and give it a break. I know this because my sister is a nurse.
As for the contact with H, I agree with job. Maybe send a friendly text once a week, asking him how he is doing. I would not do more than that. He needs to be the one to come to you. All you have to do is to show him that you are open to a R with him.
Take care of yourself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Lou, I'm sorry to hear about your health troubles. I always think it is worth reading to see if you can make any lifestyle or diet changes that will help. Also, as you say, the job sitch may add to your pain and a change might benefit you.
Sorry about the trip, but glad you will still take some time off. Hopefully you can do some gentle and nourishing things on a small budget and still enjoy yourself.
As for H, it is so useful to read the sitches of others and see how things unfold. As you say, months ago H was fully 'in' and now seems to be processing again. I would just give him some space, dropping in every so often to say hi or send him some light anecdote or news. Time will tell how things will unfold further.
Take care, and good to hear an update - I've been thinking about you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Lou babe, been thinking about you! Yes, I would say you have to trust him now. Not easy I know, enough already, right? Let's get on with it? I feel that way sometimes anyway about my h, but they have to go thru their process all the way or it just won't work. So I'm rather hesitant to go all herbalist here, but ... diet is key. There are those who advocate elimination diets, removing sugar, wheat/gluten, diary and eggs for a time then slowly reintroducing them, one at a time so you can see what your body reacts to and how. I've done it. I used to have chronic clicking noise in my knee when I walked up the stairs. After eliminating sugar and gluten it went away. I also have a lot of fine capillaries in my face, so I usually have a rosy glow ... that went away also, thankfully. The world doesn't need more red faced women of a certain age! Tumeric, as Bright said, is a great anti-inflammatory. Solomon Seal and Horsetails are also wonderful. Solomon seal oil topically is great to help with the pain. Tiger Balm salve is also great. Solomon seal tea or tincture internally are also good. Now I'm to the point where I've added gluten and sugar back and I realize I do NOT like how I feel. Aside from adding extra pounds, ugh, anytime I have refined sugar my anxiety level spikes. Same with caffeine ... makes my anxiety level go off the charts. It's not how I want to live my life and there are plenty of delicious alternatives like cinnamon and cacao to take the place of both. And sure enough, my joints ache with the gluten. It's all information; what we choose to do with it is up to us. One other great help to me is medicinal mushrooms, namely chaga. Something about chaga really tends to help those with arthritis, plus it is anti-carcinogenic. Many of the anti-inflammatories are also anti-carcinogenic. funny that, eh?
While I know the conversation couldn't have been easy I'm glad you opted out and are also still able to take some time off. I've done the retail gig, it killed me in my 20s when I was a heck of a lot more fit than I am now. It's a brutal job. Take as many mini breaks during the day as you can. Try to stretch, especially your hands and arms. You are way too young to be going through all this. Maybe your body is encouraging you to think about some different occupation. You're getting great experience. What about becoming a buyer? Is that a natural progression?
Anyway, sending you happy thoughts and {{{hugs}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
