Doing better....Oh wait

[otw]

So i dont think I had a dream about her last night. if i did then i cant remember.

Anyway, I took up dance lessons after BD because my wife is a dance teacher and it is her life. Initially did it to try and fix things. Around July i stopped when i was there one day and she called to talk about moving out. I couldnt go back for some reason.

I have a lesson today. I decided this is something that is not natural to me and i need to do it for me this time. I like the idea and what it looks like seeing a man that can grab a woman and lead her on the dance floor.

This weekend I am taking the kids out of town for a few days. We are heading to another beach town where a friend of mine has a great beach house on the water.

I am also looking into a bakery around here to get a special cake for S4 bday next week. he is into monster trucks and I need to get one made.
The day of his bday we are going to see the Monster Jam as it is in town! Great coincidence. the next day is his party.

W is actually going with us to both. I had bought tickets months ago for this and she was aware. It was her scheduled night with kids so I needed to ask to get time to take them. I never invited her. She responded back and forth via my emails and asked if there was a ticket for her. Looking back I wish i would have said i offered the ticket to my mother or something, but i didnt and told her she is welcome.
With the recent occurrences and my mind reading, i wish she wasnt going.


Another thing that i am battling right now is that since she left I haven't really messed with the pictures in the house that were left. There are pics of her and I and what not. I think I need to take down and replace. I am not sure at this point though. I know at xmas there were pics of me and her up in her house.

Anyway, looking forward to getting my self together again. One step forward and few back this past month.

[Enigma]

Hey OTW, just here for support.

I haven't caught up completely on your sitch but overall you appear to be doing well.

I know how difficult it is to keep your mind from not thinking of her. It always seems the more you try to stop your mind from wandering that direction the more it wants to on its own.

I think naturally over time the thoughts and pain will diminish, but no magic button unfortunately where one day you find yourself not thinking of her or better yet she snapping back to reality. With that continue to have fun with your kids and enjoy your quality time with them as you are. As your mind may in fact race, know that your kids are building a wonderful experience with their dad which from their perspective is very important.

Also, I like Vise's thought on hobby / GAL and the "What would you love to do"? This is key in my own personal books. I didn't know what I loved or passions, so I explored. Even learning something new can take your mind and focus away from your sitch. So what are you passionate about? Or what is something new you thought about doing at one time but never started? Now is that time.

[otw]

Thanks enigma
I have been an athlete my entire life. I am passionate about working out since I stopped playing competitively. I enjoy working out and do it a minimum 5 days a week. I get comments all the time about how all though I know 37-38 isnt that old but, how do i maintain at this age.
I am going to take up fishing as the weather gets better, I know this something the kids and i will have fun doing but i can do on my own as well.

To be honest it is like there just isnt enough to do! i want my day filled from eyes open to eyes shut. no time for mind to wander!

[otw]

So I do need some help regarding something I have been contemplating.

I have been on as much NC as possible. When we are I person doing kid swaps I make everything about them and answe her with one or two word answers. I noticed she is now doing the same to me.

Do
I continue the path or try opening up a bit and see what happens?

I know this prob comes up a lot but I feel like the more distant I get towards her the more she does it back.

I have an easy time
Reading other situations and answering but my own choices make me lost!

[Pax_luv]

Hi otw- I hope your lesson went well! Dancing is a great skill to have!

I'd be interested in hearing what the vets say about the NC and the same reciprocity from the spouse. I think that all of our initial intentions are to go NC in hopes that it would draw the spouse nearer (at least that was my intention). However, I'm finding it doesn't always work that way. I went pretty dim with my h for 7 months and we just had our first r talk (specifically about divorce) and he made the comment that I seemed like I needed my space to figure this out so he was completely leaving me alone this whole time. We can't control our spouses... We can only take our sitch's as they are and move forward.

Hope you have a great rest of the day!

[otw]

That is kind of what was I wondering. Is going NC not the best after a certain period if they are just cool with it. Like you just gave up and they did too?

[Sotto]

I think it is ok to have occasional contact if time is passing and you are largely leaving your spouse to it. However, remember that NC or dim contact is largely for you, and if you have a little contact, do so with no expectations.

I occasionally drop my H a text, but only once every couple of months or so. Next month it is his B'day, so I'll drop him a text then. I also wished him HNY - but it's minimal and pleasant from my end. He pretty much always responds promptly and pleasantly, and that's all...

Hope this helps and take care xx

[otw]

Thanks Sotto
I guess we do have occasional contact about children, but there is nothing further. Nothing between the two of us or about each others lives.

I know we both get some information from being heard when talking to the kids or when kids tell us stuff.

I am also aware of the NC for me. For a while it helped me tremendously. I am hoping i get to another point of the help. Maybe it is just as i am coming up on the one month marker the reality of it set back in.

I think i have made the decision to replace some pics in the house of her and I. I will keep some but there can not be any good from all still being here. I need to make the house more about just me and the kids.

[otw]

So interesting afternoon

I was going to surprise D7 at school and eat lunch with her.

I stopped at 7-11 to grab a drink then was going to head and get lunch for her and I.

I get back in truck and phone is ringing, it is W. I answered and she told me her and S4 saw me and he was making her turn around. they pull up and he runs up to me. I told him what i was doing and he told W he anted to go to D7 school for lunch. She said she was all sweaty from the gym and maybe next time. He replied,no I want to go with Daddy.

I looked up at her and told her if she is ok with it, i will drop him back off after. She said ok.

After lunch taking s4 back and he got all quiet. I asked what was wrong, and he said I just want to stay with you. I told him i understand, then he said he wants us all to live together again.
It is so hard trying to stay strong when they say these things.

So i was carrying up to the door and he kept saying for me to stay and play a little. He promptly asked W and she said ok.

I stayed and played while she showered. When she was done I was getting ready to leave.
She asked me where i was taking them this weekend. I let her know and some of the details. She had a strange look to her face, mind reading it looked like she probably wished I initiated more of these things in the past, but who knows.

So, at this point I said screw it and asked her where she was going. I know, i know.

She told me she is heading to FL for a fundraiser, i asked for Zumba or something? She said it is for a run. I was stunned. she has never done one before. I asked if her girlfriend from the gym got her into this and she said yea kind of. Don't know what that meant.

But i was excited for her and told her she will have a great time and as long as she wasn't too tired after should have a good time that evening.

As i was leaving I turned and told her to have a good time on the trip. She said ok and i will see you in the morning. She has to drop kids early at my place while she goes and teaches.
Overall, good interaction and most in almost a month.
I looked at her in the face and I still feel really strongly for her.

I hope i am showing her so much about being a different person that what she believed. I will have one last positive contact with her in the morning, then i am back to NC until S4 bday.

I know still too much about her, but this all just happened and I wanted to process it all, better to write it out here.

[otw]

Well her we go with an update/journal

Picking up where I left off, W dropped kids off in the morning. I had gotten up to cook breakfast for when the kids got there. everything was ready. W came inside a bit more than normal and stood closer to me than normal also. I offered her some food to take with her, she said no thank you. I didnt expect her to take any as she doesnt eat a big breakfast . Kids ran off as usual forgetting to give her a hug goodbye, got them back over and I walked her to the door and looked straight at her and told her to have a great time and smiled at her.
So kids went to school, I got some work done and then picked up S4, headed home to pack for a surprise weekend getaway for us 3. Got it all done then went and picked up D7 from school early.
They were dying to know what we were doing. A friend of mine owns a beach house about 3 hours away from us and it was available. The weekend was supposed to be great so I wanted to go. We live right by the beach, but the house is in a remote area, literally on the beach. The kids were excited, but not about the 3 hour car ride!

We finally got there, the house was unreal. # floors 8 bedrooms, elevator, ping pong, pool table, hot tub, pool...the works.

Kids were running around like maniacs while I settled us in and started cooking dinner. As we were eating S4 started saying his tummy hurt. thought nothing of it as it is his normal not wanting to eat routine. We were getting ready to play a game a little later and he looked at me funny, i grabbed him and ran to the bathroom. Yep, vomit!

we did this about two more times. I felt so bad for him. Finally he fell asleep on the couch. D7 and I played a few games. We head ed to bed, I put a trash can next to bed for him, yep vomit in bed! Had to strip the bed and wash everything, give him a bath.
We finally got to sleep.

the next day he was not vomiting anymore but had a little fever and was sluggish. We relaxed during the morning. Eventually D7 and I went down on the beach. I didnt want to leave S4 alone and the weather was great so I went to see if he wanted to try some fresh air. We all walked and gathered shells and had a good time.
Went back inside for some lunch and S4 fell asleep. Let him sleep for a while and when he woke up I mentioned going to see the lighthouse. I wanted to know if he was ok to go, he said yes but his head hurt.
We stopped and got some medicine then headed over. We had a good time there and bought some souvenirs. Where we were you can actually drive on the beach if you have a 4x4. So we decided to do it!
I apparently did not let enough air out of the tires of my heavy truck and we almost got stuck! I had to do a little digging to get us back out. D7 was very scared that we were going to be stuck there forever!

We wrapped up the night with puzzles and tv and headed home the next day.

So the first night while we were there and S4 got sick, i figured i better let W know. I was conflicted in letting her know since she was away on a trip and hadnt taken the time to check in with the kids. This makes me very mad. Anyway she eventually called and I filled her in and told her I would keep her updated. I let her know through the evening and then eventually told her i will not update anymore unless it was serious and told her to have a good time.

She did call once the next morning to check on him, but then not again the rest of the day until late at night and he was already alseep.
this part of the WW confuses me. Hoe to be so self absorbed to almost seem to forget about her children. This could also just be me thinking too much.

So as we were heading home I got a text from her in the morning asking about S4. This is not normal. She would typically just call to talk to them. I filled her in a bit and then told her I would tell her the rest when she calls them. She text back ok, just checking in at airport and will call soon.

She called and I let her know about slight fever and then when it broke he got a little rash then passed phone back to kids.

So we got back in town and D7 had to go straight to a bday party, that i found out about the day we left, W forgot to tell me!
S4 and I headed home to unpack and get situated. We went and had some dinner then W calls and said she is back and on her way to pick up. We met at home. S4 wanted her to come see the lighthouse statue we bought and showed her our shells. I asked her if she had a good time, and nothing more about the trip. She talked a little and we had a good exchange. As i was helping gt kids in the car the kids were asking the usual questions about how long they were with her, S4 said i dont want mommy living at her house anymore and all of us to live here again. I dont think she heard. D7 made sure she knew when she would be back. I was giving kids kisses and hugs then I looked up and saw her looking at me, so I smiled and said goodbye.

So the interactions between her and myself have been strange, but good. I forgot to mention that the night before we all left I got a text from her around 10pm sending me a link about cakes for S4. We went back and forth as I told her about my experience of ordering the cake already. It was really weird to be communicating with her like that, but nice. I was the one to end it by saying i was exhausted and good night. She replied back "me too, good night".

so with all of the interaction, things just seem different. I am not trying to read into too much, but it makes me feel good. I kind of wish it didnt make me feel either way, because i still did some bad thinking about her on this trip as well, not knowing who she was with etc..

So i am trying to let things go a little dark again until friday when we are all together for S4 bday stuff.

I would be lying if i said i wasnt excited and looking forward to being with her, but I also dont want my rug swept out by thinking anything is more than it is.

That was a long one!