It's my W's birthday today. I've had the kids all weekend as W has gone to her parents and SD has gone to her paternal father's 50th birthday bash. I have no idea what W is doing down there. Maybe she's gone to the party, maybe she's gone out with her sister - who knows!
My D, however, wonders why W has gone away (so, I guess she didn't tell her) and why hasn't Daddy bought Mummy a present. Hmm..tough one to answer. Well, I have arranged for SD to buy a box of chocolates from the kids for her, but I haven't bought anything. That may seem mean etc., but W didn't get em anything for Christmas, not even a card, so, I think that is the right and proper process. My D wants to buy Mummy a cake, so I guess I'll have to do that.
She'll be back late tonight to pick up the kids.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Not mean. You followed sandi's rules. You don't acknowledge birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas or any of that stuff. She fired you as her H remember? You should do something on behalf of the kids. That's a given but it's from the kids and not you. My ExW's birthday is soon as is mine and I will get a gift from S10 to her and that's it. I also know she won't acknowledge my birthday either. So be it. Your doing the right thing.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Stuck to the rules. Felt weird. Bought a cake from the kids, which she seemed to appreciate. W came with SD to pick up kids. I chatted briefly, but thought it best that she didn't stay long. She seemed cheerful, seemingly not regretting what she's done. Bluff or realism - I don't know. Weekend with the b**** SIL has probably been a festival of 'well done' from her and her mother. I always thought when you left somebody, you did it for a better existence and only a fool would leave for something worse.
So yeah, feel a bit deflated tonight. A mini downer, you could say, but off to the bath for a soak. I'll be fine by bedtime!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy. It does feel strange and against how you feel you should behave
Whether she's happy or not , it doesn't really matter. It does of course but in the scheme of things , right now it doesn't matter. I would imagine that W has her ups and downs but if she doesn't she is a cold person
I've read a lot on here and it's very rare that the WAS doesn't have regrets
First, work is getting me down. I am in the middle of trying to create some efficiency in a workplace situation. I have come up with the best solution, based on parameters given to me by my boss, which saves 210 hours work of work a week. I've now been told that is unacceptable as it doesn't meet the new criteria that has just been decided upon, which means I have to add hours back in, for people who won't be doing any work! I have protested, to such a move, that this task has now been given to my understudies to do. Normally, I would talk this over with my W - but she's not there anymore. That $ucks.
Secondly, my W call up in the middle of this nonsense to tell me she's getting a new telephone deal, which is cheaper, and that she is leaving me with the old one. Again, I protest that this isn't right, but she gets all pissy about it and tells me I am causing problems. I wouldn't mind, but the deal isn't in my name and the money comes out of the old joint bank account, which I have no control of anymore. I could, of course, just refuse to pay the bill, and leave it to come out of W's money. Peeved.
Ten W tells me she's moving, again, to another temporary accommodation location, about five miles from me. So, now what do I do if she requests me to help her move? My natural inclination is to say 'no', but I don't know if this is the best course of action. I appear to be paralysed right now in my actions. My slightly depressed feeling hasn't lifted since she came back on Sunday. Stuck and feeling a bit lame right now.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy. Sorry your a bit down. The work thing sounds crazy and not like there is much you can do
Telephone plan , if it's not in your name , what's the issue ? I'm not sure why W is even telling you , it's her business ?
Re W moving , again what's that got to do with you ? If she needs a hand moving why not see if your free on that day. Play it by ear. I think as long as there is no OM then things are a bit different for you
I would suggest you separate your thinking here. If you add everything to the one pot, you could be crushed by the world against huddy feelings. You do your job to the best of your abilities to the purpose you are there for. From experience I have learned that whereas you should never be a pushover with bosses, you need to be able to adapt. The second thing I learned is to keep work for work and to minimise it's affect on outside life.
As for W, strange. The phone is hers and she can do whatever she wishes. I presume that it is on the joint account she recently got you taken off of. As long as you are not liable (phone co or bank), tell her it is hers to do as she wants. It is nothing to do with you. No need to argue your point .
As for helping, I think you can make that call. I don't see any reason to make yourself available and if you have plans KEEP them. Don't come across as peeved, just busy. I do wonder in your case whether you need to actively be non available to W. It is hard to know, but could be the new xt change to try.
Take an extra long bath tonight. You'll be grand.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
When I get overwhelmed I take it once step at a time and eventually I get back in balance. You should consider disconnecting from her more, drop the phone plan and get your own. The phone company may release you from the contract if you sign another for a longer time period. If she's causing you pain keep her at arms length. Reward good behavior, like helping with the move. If she is acting selfishly, be unavailable. Actions have consequences. Be well
The phone was on a deal which couldn't be changed for 18 months. In the UK Broadband is set up this way. So, when we moved out of the family home, W didn't have a place to call 'home' so moved the contract to my address. The deal runs out in March when it was planned to finish the deal and do whatever was required.
W has arranged a new deal for herself now, saying I can transfer the old deal to my name. Funny, her deal is significantly cheaper, so I guess that's why she's done it. In effect she has two accounts now and I can't simply stop the old account as it's in her name.
So, shite week so far. I now have a huge stress headache and have developed a back problem as well! They do say it never rains, but it pours. Roll on my GAL activity on Friday.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
